Chris Matthews’ Leg to Auction Off Virginity to Aid Obama Campaign

The Leg overheard a couple of Hardball interns talking about some seedy story they read on Drudge and got one of its scathingly brilliant ideas: “Why not sacrifice my virtue in the noble cause of the Obama campaign?”

Yes, since Chris Matthews’ Leg only became self aware a few months ago when it was stirred to tingly sentience by the harmonic good vibrations emanating from Obami Wan Kenobi’s larynx–The Leg is (technically) a virgin.  (In contrast to Chris Matthews’ head which daily demonstrates almost no self awareness whatsoever.)

The Leg expects a major bidding war and ultimately to make a huge contribution to some 527 group working to mock John McCain’s physical limitations or dig for dirt on Sarah Palin.

John Edwards’ Follicles Issue Subliminal Shout Out to Chris Matthews’ Leg

It is a little-known and poorly-understood fact that John Edwards’ hair follicles have evolved to perform essentially the same function for him as the left leg has for Chris Matthews. That is, serve as a ultra-sensitive antenna-receptor for the cosmic good vibrations emanating from the cigarette-smoke-fogged voice box of Barack Obama.

For example, as Obami Wan Kenobi healed all our nation’s racial wounds with his Philadelphia speech a few months ago, Edwards scalp was tingling like. . . well, like his feet used to do whenever an ambulance would go by with it’s siren on.

Thus it’s no surprise that a savvy political observer like Michelle Malkin has been wondering what The Leg makes of speculation that Edwards voted for Obama in the North Carolina primary.

Michelle has pointed to speculation at the New York Times’ political blog that Edwards, while trying to be coy about which democrat he voted for, accidentally spilled the beans to MSNBC’s Mika Brzezinski. Apparently, at one point in the interview, Edwards said, “…I just voted for him on Tuesday. . .”

As it turns out, Chris Matthews’ Leg perceived a subliminal message from Edwards’ hair follicles during the interview. The hair sent a hearty greeting and then confided that the “him” Edwards voted for was not Obama. He had, in fact, voted for himself as a write-in candidate.

“John is a man of principle and had to vote for the very best person available,” the Follicles revealed. “John intends to keep his future political prospects shiny and manageable.”

And that, of course, will probably mean glomming onto and sucking up to the presumptive winner.

Update: Michelle Malkin on “Silky Hearts Obambi.

The Leg Breaks Silence After Close Encounter with Obama’s Leg

Though a clearly energized Chris Matthews’ Head hasn’t stopped talking for a moment since the “College Tour” fawn-fest with Obami Wan Kenobi, The Leg has been uncharacteristically silent since its close encounter with the glowing, hope-infusing, change-triggering, cynicism-stripping aura that surrounds the legs of the candidate.

Apparently, the sound vibrations generated by the voice of the Senate’s most liberal member touched a harmonic chord in The Leg and it began to vibrate like a tuning fork. Stunned by all the majesty, The Leg’s speech processing circuits overloaded and remained offline for several days.

“It was incredible, being that close to ‘him,'” The Leg gushed. “I mean, my knee was like, two feet away from one of his knees. And there was this positive energy . . . ”

At that point The Leg, overwhelmed by joy and hope, once again lost it’s capacity to communicate. 

Leg Thinks Obama Noseblowing Lacked Conviction, Focus


Chris Matthews Leg was unmoved today when Obami Wan Kenobi stopped in the middle of a Dallas speech today to blow his nose, even though the move was clearly a big hit with the largely pre-mesmerized-for-your-convenience crowd.

The Leg felt the impromptu nasal evacuation appeared tentative and timid—sort of the sinusorial equivalent of voting “present” on a controversial piece of legislation.

The excitable extremity had a more robust reaction to the news that Mike Huckabee’s wife was in Las Vegas to catch a prize fight featuring an Arkansas boxer and, because of a scheduling change, the pastor’s wife ended up staying at the Hooters Casino Hotel.

Simply hearing the words Las Vegas, fight, and Hooters in the same sentence sent a thrill running up Matthews’ leg to roughly knee level.