Legs Need Healthcare, Too

Leg Splint

The Leg thinks it’s awesome that the President, between Rose Garden cigarette breaks, has come up with a plan to fix the nation’s heatlh care system.

“I’m uber stoked.” the self-aware appendage recently told the make up lady at MSNBC studios. “I’m looking forwward to enjoying the same efficiency and excellence in my doctor’s visits as I experience when interacting with the IRS or the Social Security Administration.”

“Let’s face it,” The Leg gushed. “Nothing fosters streamlined, hassle-free excellence like government oversight and colossal paperwork burdens. Just ask a car dealer.”

“Wise Doughy Leg” Endorses Sotomayor

Recently, Chris Matthews’ sensitive, self-aware limb pronounced that “a wise, doughy leg with rich tingly experiences will always reach better conclusions than will a more tanned, muscular leg that hasn’t felt those thrills.”

This is why The Leg gave its most vigorous endorsement to Sonia Sotomayor for SCOTUS today. “I think the President (high approval ratings be upon him) made a brilliant choice,” The Leg enthused. “Empathy rules! We need justices who won’t allow themselves to be constricted by trivialities like the actual words of the Constitution or the intent of elected lawmakers. We need judges who will make rulings based on whom they feel sorriest for.”

Chris Matthews Appoints Self to Obama Team. Flustered Obama Team Responds, “Uhhh, No, We’re Good. Really. But Thanks.”

On this morning’s edition of MSNBC’s “Morning Joe” program, Chris Matthews told Joe Scarborough, “I want to do everything I can . . . to make this presidency work. My job . . . is to make this work successfully.” A clearly stunned Scarborough tried to remind Matthews that here in America, we sort of have a tradition of a free and independent press that some people are fond of.

Behold:

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Yes, after spending eight years bloviating about how he and his courageous colleagues in the fourth estate were the people’s vangard against government lies and over-reaching, Chris Matthews has suddenly decided that his “job” is to help the president succeed.

Especially precious was Matthews’ somber lecture at the first of the clip about how serious journalists like him never speculate about people’s motives. That’s right. Motive-speculating has always been beneath Chris on Hardball–unless, of course, the person under discussion was Hillary Clinton, Bill Clinton, any Republican, any conservative or a person with a pulse. Then it was pretty all motive-speculating all the time.

Nevertheless, Chris and the Leg are totally stoked to be members of the Obama team. Self-appointed, unofficial, informal, ad hoc, virtual members, to be sure. But still members.

“We’re totally a part of the President-elect’s inner circle,” The Leg boasted. “We’re just the very far outer edges of the inner circle. And the circle is pretty big. Huge, actually.”

Chris Matthews’ Head calls Hillary “The Al Sharpton of white people.” The Leg Calls Chris, “the Jar Jar Binks of real people.”

The Chris Matthews of PoliticiansThe Hillary Clinton of Media Whores

The Leg cramped up a little the other night when The Head got worked up and referred to Hillary Clinton as “the Al Sharpton of white people.”

This prompted the snappy rejoinder from The Leg about Chris’s favorite Star Wars character during a commercial break; and further devolved into name calling after Chris called The Leg “the Alf Landon of body parts.”

A chair-throwing melee broke out when The Leg accused Keith Olbermann of being “the Keith Olbermann of Keith Olbermanns.”

The Al Sharpton of Movie DesecratorsThe \The Keith Olbermann of Keith Olbermanns

Oops. Chris Matthews Head Mangles Obama’s Name

When you’re excited, you get sloppy.

Here, The Head adds a creative classic to the growing list of ways to mispronounce Barack Obama’s name. This one comes off something like, “Baccarat Bok Obama.”

Link here.

Chris Matthews’ Leg Confident Obama Meant Small-Town Americans Are “Bitter, Gun-Crazed, Religious-Nut, Bigot Xenophobes” in a Good Way

Senator Obama’s “Condescension Tour” got off to a rocky start in San Francisco late last week. But The Leg can’t figure out what the rubes in flyover country are all chafe-y and hacked about.

It seems small town Americans are prickly about having their feelings caricatured by hyper-ambitious, Harvard-educated, self-styled Messiahs for the entertainment and ego-massaging of Left Coast beautiful people. As crazy as that sounds.

In spite of this little bump in the road, Chris Matthews’ Leg is confident Obama is going to win it all by a landslide. Why, The Leg doesn’t know a single person in the best zip codes of New York, DC or Los Angeles who isn’t voting for him.

Ted Says Global Warming Will Lead to Cannibalism. The Leg Now “More Wary” of Olbermann.

Ever since yesterday’s bombshell by Montana sheep rancher and future purchaser of the U.N. on Ebay, Ted Turner, in which he confidently predicted that global warming will result in cannibalism as a way of life. . . Chris Matthews’ Leg keeps thinking that Olbermann is “looking at me kinda weird.”

It wasn’t reassuring that Olbermann changed up his usual program format last night in order to declare The Leg–“Juiciest Appendage in the World.”

Olbermann Predicts Obama Administration Will Feature “Mystic Crystal Revelation and the Mind’s True Liberation”

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Chris Matthews’ Leg declared Keith Olbermann “right on” when the clearly-baked cable pundit issued the above pronouncement. Olbermann also predicted that Obama would dismantle the Defense Department and replace it with “The Ministry of Harmony and Understanding, Sympathy and Trust Abounding” or HUSTA.

81-Year-Old Veteran Fends Off Mugger. Code Pink Vows Protests.

Former Army Paratrooper Donald Clouston, a combat veteran of World War II and Korea, was confronted by a knife-wielding teenage thug near his home in the San Francisco Bay area. The 81-year-old declined the opportunity to hand over his wallet and opted to kick the mugger’s sorry hindquarters instead.

Hot Air has the report.

Chris Matthews’ Leg wasn’t sure how it was supposed to react to the incident. Part of it thought the whole thing was cool. It was like, “Whooo Hoo! Go super-old Army dude!” But another part remembered that violence was bad, especially when perpetrated by privileged white males. . .”The fascists. . .” The Leg muttered to Olbermann’s soul-void.

Thus conflicted, The Leg decided to wait to see what The Radiant One had to say about it.

“I’m guessing Obama will bring a hopeful message of reconciliation and bridge-building between elderly pedestrians and knife-brandishing teen muggers,” The Leg mused. “He’ll say something really deep like. . .”

“These two groups–elderly pedestrians and knife-wielding muggers–have been divided for too long in this great nation. For too many years they have been allowed to hide behind walls of cynicism and mistrust. Knife-weilding teens must be encouraged to no longer view the elderly only a source of quick cash for drugs. And America’s octogenenarians must be challenged to break free from their hardened stereotypes about young men who wave knives at them and demand cash. It’s time for the healing to begin.”

Meanwhile, leaders for Code Pink in the Bay Area were planning to divert some of their woman-power–currently deployed in Berkley harrassing Marine recruiters–to Santa Rosa to set up outside the old soldier’s home.

“This is why we can’t allow our children to be tempted into military service,” a Code Pink spokes-shrew declared. “It produces these testosterone-crazed Rambo’s like old Mr. Clouston walking around defending themselves. I bet he didn’t even stop to think about the root causes of why that poor young man felt the need to threaten him with a knife.”

At this writing, the gals were headed to Home Depot for fresh cans of fake “blood” to throw on the old man’s porch in the hopes that their courageous truth-speaking to power would help him “listen to reason.”

CM’s Leg Cheesed Off by Mouth’s Flakking for Hillary

The Leg is not happy with The Mouth. First, it blabbed to the world about The Leg’s giddy susceptibility to Obami Wan Kenobi’s oratorical mind tricks.

Then last night it had the gall to ask some poor unsuspecting Democrat legislator from Texas to name a single Obama legislative achievement—just one. The poor guy was too flummoxed to realize that it was a trick question!

It’s like asking someone to name the most thought-provoking episodes of The Teletubbies. It’s a nonsense question without an answer. You’re just supposed to look at the sun with a laughing baby’s face and feel better!

Chris Matthews’ Leg suspects the Mouth is trying to make up for gushing about Senator MesmerO by helping Hillary out a little. (AllahPundit at HotAir explores the topic.)