Leg Bummed to Discover “Righteous Wind” at its Back is Just Olbermann Being Gross

Oh, the tingles and thrills Chris Matthews’ Leg has been feeling in recent days as it has seemed increasingly likely that a majority of Americans were actually about to take a flyer on a community organizer with poor taste in friends and even worse taste in preachers-and in volatile, dangerous times, no less.

For a few minutes the other day, The Leg even thought it was feeling that righteous wind spoken of by “He Who Will Punish the Productive Through Wealth Spread-age.”

Unfortunately, the warm breeze just turned out to be Olbermann being juvenile (what’s new) after gorging himself on spicy tapas at Bobby Flay’s “Bolo” over on East 22nd. Giggling and giddy, the Countdown host proudly declared his productivity, “Worst Gas in the World.”

The Leg was not inclined to dispute that designation.

Tingly Leg Syndrome Infects Son of William F. Buckley

Chris Matthews Leg is thrilled to welcome to the Club of the Mesmerized novelist Christopher Buckley.

As The Leg knows well, there are many paths to enlightenment about “The One.” The Leg isn’t quite sure how a smart guy like Buckley, who claims to prize small government and conservative/libertarian principles, gets up that hill, but it’s totally stoked about it.

Not everyone is as tingly about Buckely’s awakening: Check out The Childlike Faith of Christopher Buckley.

CM’s Leg “Ecstatic” to be Part of America’s First Media Coup D’Etat

Chris Matthew’s Leg was partying with Barney Frank’s Tie and the dry, shriveled husk of Keith Olbermann’s sense of shame last night after the Palin-Biden debate.

Why a celebration – even after Sarah Palin clearly failed to live down to the caricature the MSM had furiously been painting for weeks ? Because it didn’t matter.

Chris’s Tingle Spot, Keith’s shame void, Barney’s poor, over-strained collar button . . .  they all know that the fix is in. And baby it feels good.

“It’s very exciting,” The Leg gushed. “We’re making history here. We, the members of the National Press Club, the Screen Actors Guild, and a few honorary members like Oprah and Soros, are going to install a President of the United States because, clearly, the American people can’t be trusted to pick one on their own.”

“We’re totally unified this time,” Olby’s soul-shaped vacuum chimed in. “It’s very cool to be a part of something bigger than my . . . well, almost bigger than myself. This is what it must have been like to be a campus radical in the ’60s . . .except we’re all rich and powerful and pretty.”

“And we bath,” The Leg Chimed in. “Well, most of us,” The Leg said jerking a toe over in the direction of Barney Frank’s neck.

“Right now we control everything but Talk Radio. And we’ll be shutting that nuisance down shortly after the election,” it said catching a high five from Olbermann’s shame void and shouting “Fairness Doctrine, baby!”

“Are we about to swing a close election via a complete abandonment of all pretense of objectivity?” The Leg asks. “Heck yeah. And if you don’t like it, then you must be a racist.”

Leg Blames Failure of Bailout Bill on Barney Frank’s Inability to Tie a Proper Necktie

Nice cravat.

Nice cravat.

While many observers attributed the stunning failure of the House measure designed to shore up tottering credit markets on Nancy Pelosi’s partisan primal scream immediately before the vote–Chris Matthews Leg floated an alternative theory.

The sensitive appendage believes it has traced the waves of negative energy that permeated the House chambers today to their source–a point about four inches south of one the Massachusetts congressman’s chins. “What the deuce is going on with that tie?” the Leg asked with a mixture of fear and revulsion. “Is that a single Windsor . . . a four-in-hand . . . I can’t tell, but it’s just wrong.”

The Leg wondered out loud if there might be less tension between the parties on this issue if there wasn’t so much tension on Frank’s top collar button.

The Oracle: “That’s Not an ‘Elephant in the Room.” It’s Just Jack Cafferty’s Enormous Capacity for Gas-Baggery.”

The Oracle — interpreter and translator for Chris Matthews’ Leg–has grown accustomed to hearing lefty blowhards spout nonsense analysis and bogus political theorums. After all, consistent proximity to Keith Olbermann provides a steady diet of passionate malarkey.

But  yesterday’s blog post by CNN’s Jack Cafferty was absurd enough to peg the needle on even The Oracle’s jaded Gas-o-meter.

In it, Cafferty claims to have discovered why the race for the presidency is currently so darned close. Echoing what seems to be the new official talking point — it’s Racism! Cafferty wrote:

Race is arguably the biggest issue in this election, and it’s one that nobody’s talking about.

The differences between Barack Obama and John McCain couldn’t be more well-defined. Obama wants to change Washington. McCain is a part of Washington and a part of the Bush legacy. Yet the polls remain close. Doesn’t make sense…unless it’s race.

Time magazine’s Michael Grunwald says race is the elephant in the room.

The Oracle is still working through the logic on this one:

“Let’s see. In 2000, in a race between a white liberal and white conservative, the nation was evenly split. In 2004, again a race between a white liberal and white conservative, the electorate was again divided 50-50. So now that the race is between a black liberal and a white conservative and the polls are once again showing a roughly tied race, the elephant-in-the-room explanation is racism? Really?”

The Oracle suspects that the real elephant in the room is the truth that desperation to swing this election is driving guys like Cafferty and Olbermann to become ridiculous parodies of their already ridiculous selves.

Update: Hot Air has moving pictures of the gas-baggery.

Leg thinks “Obama sure to win back middle-aged moms now that Sarah Palin is being trashed by rich, trampy celebrity girls.”

The Leg is encouraged.

“Sure, the Obama-Biden ticket was already losing the support of suburban moms because of that crazy perception that he is elitist and out-of-touch,” The Leg admits. “Yes, those McCain ‘Celebrity/Paris Hilton’ ads really stung.”

“And, of course, McCain’s pick of a hockey mom with five kids–one of them a special-needs baby– made all of Michelle’s whining about how unfair and hard life is when you have to juggle two kids and a $1 million-a-year job a little, well . . . elitist and out of touch.

But now The Leg is confident things are going to turn around. Why? Because nothing is as sure to rally busy thirty and forty-something moms back to the Obama cause like hearing Sarah Palin trashed by Pamela Anderson, Lindsey Lohan, and Pink.

“Having all these pampered, badly-educated celebs joining the Palin pile on Is just the thing to get those rubes in flyover country back on the plantation,” The Leg enthused. “I’m all tingly about it.”

Chris Matthews’ Leg to Auction Off Virginity to Aid Obama Campaign

The Leg overheard a couple of Hardball interns talking about some seedy story they read on Drudge and got one of its scathingly brilliant ideas: “Why not sacrifice my virtue in the noble cause of the Obama campaign?”

Yes, since Chris Matthews’ Leg only became self aware a few months ago when it was stirred to tingly sentience by the harmonic good vibrations emanating from Obami Wan Kenobi’s larynx–The Leg is (technically) a virgin.  (In contrast to Chris Matthews’ head which daily demonstrates almost no self awareness whatsoever.)

The Leg expects a major bidding war and ultimately to make a huge contribution to some 527 group working to mock John McCain’s physical limitations or dig for dirt on Sarah Palin.

Getting Fired Wakens Chris Matthews’ Leg. Spasms, Cramps Ensue.

The Oracle–gifted interpreter of the bio-electric pulses racing up and down Chris Matthews’ sciatic nerve–is pleased to announce that getting the hook has jerked The Leg awake.

The Oracle has been around quite a while. He’s been following politics and punditry so long, he can remember when Andrew Sullivan was intellectually honest. Why, he can even remember when David Letterman was funny. He’s been around that long.

Nevertheless he was still shocked to see Chris Matthews Leg thrilled into a catatonic state by the mere anticipation of hearing Barack Obama’s convention acceptance speech. But the news that Chris (the nation’s leading cheerleader for Senator Obama); and Keith Olbermann (the “nation’s televised face of sneering, drooling Bush hatred“); had been invited to vacate the anchor chairs of MSNBC’s election coverage snapped the sensitive appendage back to tingly consciousness.

After “The Great Injustice” as Chris is calling it, The Leg called an emergency meeting with the dry, shriveled husk of Keith Olbermann’s sense of shame in hopes of formulating a unified response strategy.

This proved to be impossible, however, as it quickly became apparent that the shock of MSNBC’s move to salvage it’s few, remaining wispy threads of journalistic credibility had pushed Olby utterly over the edge.

Thus, the Countdown Host’s long, heartbreaking descent into madness is seemingly complete. The last frayed mooring lines tethering the ex-sportscaster to the docks of reason have snapped and he is now adrift in the foaming sea of rage-fueled paranoia that is the comment threads at The Daily Kos, The Democratic Underground and the Huffington Post.

Chris Matthews’ Leg, though still stinging from the demotion, is ready to hum like a tuning fork at every messianic pronouncement from the world’s most famous community organizer. And Chris is ready to use the ever-diminishing influence of the Hardball pulpit to do his part for the holy cause.

Chris Matthews’ Leg is Asleep. . .

apparently. The Oracle predicts renewed transmissions from the sensitive appendage in the near future, and thanks you for you patience.

Jesse Jackson Reaction: Chris Matthews’ Leg Strongly Condemns All Talk Of Cutting Off Body Parts

“As a body part attached to high-profile figure who takes strong political stands, I want to express my solidarity with Senator Obama’s kahones,” Chris Matthews’ Leg announced today. “I must deplore in the strongest possible terms Rev. Jackson’s ‘hot-mike’ expression of a wish to surgically separate the presidential candidate’s huevos from his rancheros.”

[The Oracle would like to add that Senator Obama is certainly going to need them if he is going to continue making campaign promises he cannot keep and “refining” his positions every couple of days.]

The Leg was later heard muttering, “This is how it starts. ‘They came first for the gonads, but I did not speak up because I was not a gonad. . .'”

Dejected, CM’s Leg Vows to “Get Me One of Those Hindu Monkey-god Charms Like Obama Carries”

It wasn’t the best of weeks for Chris Matthews or his leg.

First, The Leg took hard the news that it would be Tom Brokaw’s leg tucked under Tim Russert’s desk for the forseeable future. Then, “The Head” mixed up the names Obama and Osama not once, but twice! To top it off, the Brokaw thing seemed to accelerate Olbermann’s heartbreaking descent into self-important madness.

It was the kind of craptacular week that makes a Leg restless for hope and change.

Hope dawned in the form of a news report from India that political party officials there were preparing a special gift for Barack Obama.

The Times of India

As The Leg learned from a Times of India news article:

Obama’s representative Carolyn Sauvage-Mar on Tuesday received a gold-plated two-feet-high idol which she will pass it on to the Obama after it is sanctified.

The idol is being presented to Obama as he is reported to be a Lord Hanuman devotee and carries with him a locket of the monkey god along with other good luck charms.

At first, The Leg was a little skeptical about the notion of a serious contender for the presidency carrying a little Hindu monkey charm around for good vibes. But then it remembered a Time Magazine photo essay it saw a while back–one which revealed what the presidential candidates carry in their pockets for luck.

What we have here, according to the Time essay, is:

  • A U.S. soldier’s bracelet (currently deployed in Iraq)
  • A gambler’s “lucky chit”
  • A “Madonna and Child” charm
  • “A tiny monkey god”
  • And three or four other unidentified items, among which seems to be a slug, an angel coin, yet another Virgin Mary charm, and some other coin-y detritus.

It seems that Senator Lightworker believes in hedging his bets. The Leg chose to view it as an example of Senator Obama’s commitment to diversity. A commitment that clearly extends even to his pocket mojo amulets.

Chris Matthews’ Leg needs to have a better week next week. Thus the search for a good, used Lord Hanuman monkey charm this weekend.

{Cross-posted at Olbermann Watch}

Chris Matthews Leg Amused, Appalled by Clumsy Jockeying for Russert Seat

The Leg operates under a very simple values system.

Every potential action is weighed against one question: Is this good for Barack Obama’s election prospects?

Thus, you can understand The Leg’s consternation at the escalating Machiavellian maneuvering between Keith Olbermann and Chris Matthews’ Head following the sudden opening of the lead position on “Meet the Press”–a real news show that actually airs on a real network with viewers other than seething, rage-drunk, conspiracy-nut commenters from the Daily Kos and the Huffington Post.

Tim Russert’s sad, sudden passing severed Olbermann’s and Matthews’ main connection to journalistic credibility (Tom Brokaw’s occasional fly-bys are too infrequent to undo much of the credibility-draining damage done every time one of the two opens his mouth.)

“Yes, the prize is tempting,” The Leg muses. “But these guys need to keep their eyes on the ball! It’s not about us. It’s about Him!” The Leg points heavenward. . . toward the Obama “HOPE” poster on the wall.

The Leg is really worked up now. “THIS CRAP ISN’T HELPING MICHELLE OBAMA’S KIDS!”

The Leg thinks Chris should stay focused on running for the Senate in Pennsylvania in two years. As Chris was clearly doing when he chose to desecrate a Tim Russert tribute with a selfish rant about Bush and the Iraq war.

“The “Meet the Press” gig should go to someone who actually cares about looking somewhat objective. And rational. Keith and Chris should stay in the fever swamp of naked partisanship where they belong,” says The Leg.

Shock and Sadness

On behalf of Chris Matthews’ Leg, The Oracle would like to express his deepest sympathies and prayers for comfort to the family and friends of Tim Russert–whose professionalism and journalistic integrity has seemed particularly rare and valuable over the last year or so.

Gone too soon. Missed already.

The Leg Profoundly Moved by Barack Obama’s History-Making Quest: To Become America’s First Utterly Unqualified President

As a student of history and long-time political junkie, Chris Matthews’ Leg is keenly aware of the historic implications of the Obama candidacy–and it has The Leg tingling from toe to hip joint.

Never has a person with so little experience running anything, or come to think of it, doing anything, come so close to running the most powerful nation on earth. And not since Jimmy Carter has naivete and hubris combined in such towering proportions in one person. “It’s truly exciting,” The Leg gushed.

“We’ve tried “experience” and what has it gotten us,” the sensitive appendage continued. “Nothing but victory in two world wars, victory in the Cold War, and Al Qaeda shattered and on the run all over the world.”

“I’m confident America is ready for a leader who doesn’t know what the crap he’s talking about, but says it in a truly beautiful and uplifting way. After all, we had the exact opposite for the last seven years. I’ve got that thrilling sense that we’re all witnesses to history.”

Chris Matthews’ Leg Briefly Achieves Elevated State of Consciousness During Obama Speech

As Barack Obama finally laid claim to the Democratic nomination in his speech the other night, The Leg was vibrating like a tuning fork.

Each soaring, ambiguous platitude took the sensitive appendage to a higher level of harmonic resonance. Each thrilling-though-utterly-undeliverable promise sent electric thrills radiating up the Hardball host’s tibia and femur.

As the speech culminated with a level of grandiosity and humble self-importance rarely heard outside a high school valedictory speech. . .

“We will be able to look back and tell our children that this was the moment when we began to provide care for the sick and good jobs to the jobless; this was the moment when the rise of the oceans began to slow and our planet began to heal; this was the moment when we ended a war and secured our nation and restored our image as the last, best hope on Earth.”

. . . The Leg momentarily entered a state of super-consciousness which resulted in Chris Matthews’ head getting a fresh case of. . .

The giggles.