Olbermann in Post-Bush Crisis. Must Find New Focus for 17 Million Gigawatts of Incandescent Hate or Risk Spontaneous Human Combustion.

The Leg is concerned about colleague Keith Olbermann. From the moment Air Force One disappeared over the western horizon on inauguration day (also known at MSNBC HQ as “Mission Accomplished Day,” “The Dawning of Perfect Joy,” and “The Day of Indescribable Bliss-y Goodness) carrying outgoing President Bush to Midland, Texas, the Countdown host seemed to slip into a bewildered funk.

“He’s like a little lost boy now,” one perky intern observed. “Albeit, a boy that will grope you then scream at you fetch him a Powerbar.”

Since Countdown debuted on March 31, 2003, George W. Bush has done the world a service by serving (along with Bill O’Reilly and Rush Limbaugh) as a safety valve-like target for Keith’s bombastic, self-important, spittle-flecked rage.

But now the locus of 70 percent of that irrational, Daily Kos-fueled hate energy has been removed and the laser of loathing must find a new outlet or risk melting down. But whom to unfailingly impute bad faith to? Whose difficult decisions to put the the worst possible construction upon? Whom to label a “liar” every time they are merely mistaken?

In desperation, Olbermann has recently lashed out at targets as innocuous as John Gibson, pro-lifers, the infield fly rule, and beets. But it just wasn’t the same.

And so an anxious world watches and wonders as the East Coast’s answer to the Yellowstone caldera builds up pressure. To turn some old Queen lyrics on their head, The Leg wonders, “Won’t somebody find KO, somebody to hate?”

Historic Inauguration Triggers History-Making Reaction in Chris Matthews’ Leg

There were reports of shattered windows up and down the east coast today as Chris Matthews’ Leg began vibrating at a frequency and amplitude previously unknown to science. Homeland Security officials noted that the peaks in the harmonic surge waves tended to coincide with certain inaugural events being covered by MSNBC.

Meanwhile, theoretical physicists at the FermiLab particle accelerator in Chicago and at the Large Hadron Collider in Geneva both reported that around noon EST, ultra-sensitive equipment deep within the earth had begun detecting new and exotic subatomic particles.

“The standard model of particle physics predicts the existence of ‘strange quarks,’ said FermiLab researcher Hans Delbrück. “But these quarks were stranger than we’ve dared to imagine. We’ve had a remarkable day here. One of the guys thinks we may have captured the elusive Higgs Boson. But were still compiling all the data.”

Whether there is linkage between the flurry of exotic particles and the excitability of Matthews’ lower limb has yet to be established. However, crew members on the set with Matthews and Olbermann have reported witnessing strange phenomenon around the anchor desk including strange orbs of colored light, disorientation and nausea in those standing close by, and brief episodes of time travel for those who look directly at the leg at the apex of a tingly phase.

Civil defense personnel and other first responders are standing by in the event of another episode during tonight’s inaugural festivities. Officials are urging citizens to remain calm, but watchful–and to stay away from plate glass windows for the time being.

Random Restless Leg Thoughts

  • So MSNBC has banned Ann Coulter for life. The Leg is sooooo relieved to hear this. It would be such a shame if the network gave air time to anyone being screedy, ideologically shrill, hyper-partisan, or mean.

unhinged-olby

  • It seems Minnesotans have finally equaled the electoral trick of putting Jesse Ventura in the governor’s mansion for four disastrous years. It took a little creative bookkeeping by the state canvassing board and some magically appearing ballots, but Al “The Body” Franken is poised . . . as crazy as this sounds . . . to be seated in the most important deliberative body on planet earth. The Leg says, “You gotta love Minnesota. They always have a critical mass of half-toasted ice fishermen willing to vote for the novelty candidate. And the Twin Cities are like a big, frozen Berkeley, California but with Swedes, Norwegians and lutefisk.”

jesse-the-bodyal-the-body1

  • The Leg wonders if MSNBC can get a ratings bailout. “It sucks that we’re always in last place among the cable news networks,” The Leg whines. “Some FoxNews viewers should be shifted to us. They’ve got millions of them. In the words of a certain President-elect, ‘It’s a question of fairness.'”

CML Enjoying the Leg Warmers Santa Brought. Reflects Back on an Awesome Year.

Dear Diary,

Three words . . . Best. Year. Ever.

Okay, actually it’s my only year ever. As you know, I spontaneously achieved self-awareness back in February during a speech by Barack Ob . . . oops . . . I mean President-Elect Barack Obama. (woo hoo!) Those beautifully vague platitudes; those soaring, unkeepable promises; those mesmerizingly affected oratorical cadences . . . well they combined powerfully to jolt me into sentience.

Like the rest of the “professional” press corps (wink, wink, nudge, nudge), Chris and I spent most of the rest of the year solely focused on getting our guy elected. And we did it. The price was our credibility, journalistic integrity and self-respect. Totally worth it!

Just when I thought the year couldn’t get any better, I was recently the recipient of a major award!

What will 2009 hold? A run for the Senate? Hard to say. Right now it seems like Chris may be getting cold feet, er . . . foot.

The Leg Thrilled That Obama Finally Makes the Cover of Time

Chris Matthews’ Leg has been sorely vexed by the major news magazines’ shameful refusal to put Barack Obama’s noble visage on their covers. This scandalous neglect was highlighted in an article on MSNBC today:

Time has featured Obama on its cover 14 times since Jan. 1. Newsweek was close behind, featuring the now-president-elect on 12 of its issues. Time has had 52 issues in 2008, so Obama has been featured on more than one-in-four of its covers, or about 27% of the time.

That number, though, goes even higher if you include how many times Obama has appeared in the “skybox” — 11 times.  That means Obama’s face or name has somehow made it onto the cover of Time just about half of the time this year (25 out of 52 issues — 48%)

Newsweek has had 49 issues this year so far (through Dec. 22), so Obama has been featured on about a quarter of its covers as well.

Thus it restored the sensitive limb’s tingly faith in cosmic justice to see the President-Elect’s reassuring image on Time’s “Person of the Year” issue today. But the sprinkles on this hope-filled cupcake were the newly discovered college pics of the future President sporting a panama hat, a cigarette, and a little something we used to call moxie . . .

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“I’m feeling more hopeful by the minute,” The Leg said to no one in particular.

Chris Matthews’ Leg Flings Shoe at Olbermann’s Head

The sensitive appendage doesn’t recall what put the idea in it’s mind but it was suddenly siezed with an irrestistable urge to kick off a J&M tassel loafer and send it flying toward the back of Keith Olbermann’s head today as  he walked through the MSNBC commisary.

The cordovan leather missile grazed the Countdown host’s left ear, caught David Schuster square in the forehead and dropped into Rachel Maddow’s bowl of organic quinoa.

Tom Brokaw saw the whole thing and remarked, “In the words of Austin Powers, ‘Who throws a shoe?’

Leaked: Keith Olbermann’s “To Do” List

Found by a cleaning lady at MSNBC studios . . .  a piece of executive-sized stationery with the initials K.O.

To Do

__ Browbeat the interns.

__ Call the Dale Carnegie people. Demand refund.

__ Check Daily Kos threads to find out what the kids want to hear tonight.

__ Repeatedly stab photo of Bill O’Reilly muttering oaths and curses.

__ Taunt CM, RM about my salary increase.

__ Renew “Verbal Advantage” subscription.

__ Send vocabulary out to be waxed.

__ Hit GoDaddy. Register InsufferableTwit.com and PompousGeek.tv

__ Hit Netflix. Put “Reds” at the top of the queue. Again.

Chris Matthews’ Leg Stunned, Excited to Learn They’re Now Selling Senate Seats

“What the heck!” the excitable appendage was heard to yell from a makeup chair at MSNBC studios this afternoon. The head had just been briefed about the arrest of Illinois Democratic governor Blagojovich for, among other things, attempting to auction off President Elect Barack Obama’s vacant Senate seat to the highest bidder.

“There are guys who will sell you a Senate seat? Why, in the name of Boss Tweed, are we putting an organization together in Pennsylvania?!” The Leg growled.

The makeup artist tactfully weighed in: “I think that’s just a Chicago thing, Mr. Matthews’ Leg.”

“And Louisiana!” an intern from Baton Rouge chimed in. “Or it used to be back when the state was run by Democrats. My Dad says that back in the day a guy could become Lt. Governor of the Sportsman’s Paradise for $250 and a case of Coors.”

The Leg wasn’t around to hear that last part. It had already run off to see what the going rate was on Senate seats in the Keystone state.

Sometimes a Leg Just Wants to Run

Chris Matthews’ Leg has a fever. And the only prescription, apparently, is . . . more power and attention.

Thus, Chris Matthews is planning to run for the United States Senate.

If you’re a manic bloviater who considers the sound of his own voice a rare and beautiful gift to all mankind, and deems every thought that pops into his head worthy of robust vocalization, then sitting at a network that gets lower ratings than The Colonoscopy Channel is just wandering in the wilderness.

The promised land is the club for pompous gasbags like Teddy Kennedy and Robert Byrd. You belong in the Senate.

Or so a certain self-aware appendage has been telling the man to whom it’s attached.

Sometimes a leg just has to run. As does the mouth.

Leg Cramps

Here are a few of the news items and events that gave Chris Matthews’ Leg a wicked cramp this week.

  • Hillary Confirmed as Pick for State Dept.–Chris’s “issues” with Sen. Clinton are well known, though poorly understood.  He was sure all his hard work shamelessly shilling for Obama over the last year had finished the Clintons. Taking a brighter view of the appointment was The Oracle of The Leg who looks forward to fresh accounts of our new Secretary of State ducking sniper finer in numerous world capitals, American urban areas, and some of the more harrowing suburban shopping malls.  As long-time readers know, Chris has been there.
  • Gov. Palin and The Silence of the Turkeys–This is what they would make PETA members watch if they were being held at Guantanamo. The YouTube of Sarah Palin giving an interivew with turkey dispatchment as a backdrop was the other source of buzz around the office today. “Clearly, I picked the wrong day to pack a turkey sandwich in the brown bag,” Chris muttered. “Hey Shuster, wanna trade?”
  • Al Qaeda Dares to Dis “He Who Must Succeed”–Osama Bin Laden’s #2 used a racial slur to insult America’s soon-to-be #1. This story was Leg cramp-inducing for two reasons. First of all The Leg loves Barack Obama the way Keith Olbermann loves . . . everything about Keith Olbermann. It’s profoundly hurtful to hear anyone speak ill of the Light Worker-elect. Second, Chris’s brain has a devil of a time keeping the words Osama and Obama from swapping file drawers in his mind’s vocabular storage facility. About twice a month, Chris refers to the worlds most wanted terrorist as “Obama” and the president elect as “Osama.” See here, here and here, for example. Chris has been undergoing expensive hynotherapy to break this infernal curse but now, with both names appearing in the same news item, it will be back to square one.

Memo: From The Office of the Leg of the Guy Who Totally Considers It His Job to Make The President-Elect a Success

From The Office of the Leg of the Guy Who Totally Considers

It His Journalistic Duty to Make The President-Elect a Success

Memo:

Re: Lost My Number?

First let me say, Mr. President-Elect . . . Love, love, love the new web site. Seeing that dot-gov behind the word “change” makes me tingle like a wet squirrel on a high-tension power line.

Now, I’m not fishing for a “thank you” or anything, but I was just wondering when I might be getting a call from you; or one of the top members of your transition team–maybe Rahm or Joe. I’ve made sure Chris’s Head has kept the phone close at all times. (He’s been putting it in a ziplock when he showers.)

I certainly understand how busy you guys must be. Just sorting through the mountain of bogus and dicey online credit card donations alone must be a major undertaking. (Disabling all fraud-prevention measures was genius, IMHO. And egalitarian! Kudos!)

By the way, if you come across donations from “Miss Inga Tooth,” “Joaquin Closet,” “Ariel Payne Diaz,” “Diana Boredom,” “Mahatma Coat,” “Constance Ubervision,” and “Pikup Andropov”–all charged to the same credit card number–well . . . you’re welcome.

I’m not looking for a high-profile, paid position, necessarily. I’m thinking I could be one of your secret, stealth advisers. You know, one of those controversial guys that you denounce publicly (wink, wink, nudge, nudge) but still talk to on your mobile.

Then it occurred to me that you may have lost my number. My mobile is 555-THRILL-ME.  I’ll be looking forward to your call!  Anytime is good. Really.

Warm Tingly Regards,

Chris Matthews’ Leg

First Ever Tingle Poll of CML Readers

Be heard. Smooth Jazz the Vote!

Chris Matthews Appoints Self to Obama Team. Flustered Obama Team Responds, “Uhhh, No, We’re Good. Really. But Thanks.”

On this morning’s edition of MSNBC’s “Morning Joe” program, Chris Matthews told Joe Scarborough, “I want to do everything I can . . . to make this presidency work. My job . . . is to make this work successfully.” A clearly stunned Scarborough tried to remind Matthews that here in America, we sort of have a tradition of a free and independent press that some people are fond of.

Behold:

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more about “Matthews: My Job Is To Make Obama Pre…“, posted with vodpod

Yes, after spending eight years bloviating about how he and his courageous colleagues in the fourth estate were the people’s vangard against government lies and over-reaching, Chris Matthews has suddenly decided that his “job” is to help the president succeed.

Especially precious was Matthews’ somber lecture at the first of the clip about how serious journalists like him never speculate about people’s motives. That’s right. Motive-speculating has always been beneath Chris on Hardball–unless, of course, the person under discussion was Hillary Clinton, Bill Clinton, any Republican, any conservative or a person with a pulse. Then it was pretty all motive-speculating all the time.

Nevertheless, Chris and the Leg are totally stoked to be members of the Obama team. Self-appointed, unofficial, informal, ad hoc, virtual members, to be sure. But still members.

“We’re totally a part of the President-elect’s inner circle,” The Leg boasted. “We’re just the very far outer edges of the inner circle. And the circle is pretty big. Huge, actually.”

Chris Matthews’ Leg Vibrates at 250 MHz. Causes Matthews to Slide Randomly Around MSNBC Set Like Electric Football Man.

Barack Obama’s victory speech overstimulated the sensitive neuro-receptors in Chris Matthews’ lower left extremity and caused it to hum like a tuning fork.

The Leg couldn’t help feeling it had played a small role in making this historic night possible.

Yes, Chris, MSNBC and pretty much the entire broadcast news industry traded the last bits of their journalistic credibility in the bacchanal of fawning coverage. Sure, Matthews’ and Olbermann’s Bush-Derangement and over-the-top Obama water-carrying during the election made them a national punchline.

But as the nation’s union bosses, trial lawyers, greivance mongers, Israel haters, and global warming hysterics uncorked the champagne and prepared their legislative agendas–The Leg could be heard to whisper:

“Totally, worth it, man . . . totally worth it.”

Olby Fails to “Get” SNL Skit. The Leg Tries to Explain, Fails.

The dry, shriveled husk of Keith Olbermann’s sense of shame was pretty stoked to learn that Saturday Night Live was planning, in Keith’s words, “a tribute” to the Countdown host, and that the great Ben Affleck was “doing” him. (btw, it never caught on to why The Leg giggled every time Olbermann would boast to someone, “Ben Affleck is going to do me on SNL!”)

However, after Affleck’s dead-on, 8 minute, 42 second spittle-flecked, psychosis-fueled rendition, Olby’s soul-void seemed genuinely perplexed: “What was so funny about that? And why was the audience laughing? They could have just run a clip of my show.”

The Leg wasn’t sure how to break it to Keith that he and Chris are so completely out of control with mindless partisanship that even their friends and allies are starting to be embarrassed by them.

The Oracle of the Leg notes that the humorless, seething comment mobs at The Daily Kos and The Huffington Post weren’t amused either. He suspects they’ve been living in the “progressive” echo chamber for so long that they, like Keith, have lost the capacity for self-awareness. Sort of like the way certain species of shrimp that live in underwater caverns have evolved without eyes, color, or ability to communicate without using bombastic, self-important cliches.