Leg Cancels Waxing Appt. to Protest IOC Decision

Chris Matthews’ Leg pretty much went through all five stages of grief (and sort of free-styled a sixth) after hearing the stunning news that the International Olympic Committee had chosen Rio as the site for the 2016 Olympics–thus snubbing Chicago, the cocoon from which President Obama (higher approval ratings be upon Him) emerged like a glorious butterfly just a few short years ago.

“How is this possible?” The Leg sputtered. “The members of the committee experienced the the full soul-healing and psyche-massaging sounds of His voice. In person!”

Still stinging at the injustice of it all, The Leg called and canceled his monthly leg-hair removal session at Brazilian Bob’s Day Spa and Depilatory Hut.

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Insure Us Obami Wan! You’re Our Only Hope!

Chris Matthews’ Leg did it’s doughy best to keep a Twitter feed going during the President’s wise and soul-healing address tonight. But Tweety Tweets are tough to produce when you’re vibrating at about 2,000 cycles per second and singing “Oh, sweet mystery of life, at last I’ve found you!”

The only legs more excited than Matthews’ sensitive appendage tonight appeared to belong to Nancy Pelosi who repeatedly demonstrated a vertical leap that should enable her to dunk at will over Dikembe Mutombo.

The Leg loved the way Dear Leader showed he was a young man of fresh ideas by reminding us that politicians have been trying to put those uppity doctors in their place since Teddy Roosevelt. He also thought that having a smirking and grinning Nancy Pelosi seemingly perched on the President’s shoulder in a red dress throughout the address was surely a visually compelling way to reassure all the wavering rubes in flyover country and get them on board with the brilliant plan that’s going to make everything better in every way but not cost anyone any more money.

Sitting on the other shoulder was Joe Biden, who seemed to perk up and lean in when the Shining One said he wanted to address some remarks to senior citizens.

The highlight for the Leg is when the President pointed us all to the Social Security program as a shining example of how the government can run an entitlement program without it becoming a ticking time bomb of exploding deficits and impending national insolvency. (Brilliant!)

Now, surely, the American people will chill out and let those clever folks in Congress do what they do best.

Leg Lauds Obama Plan to Pretend to be “President of the World”

When the Financial Times reported yesterday that Barack Obama will become the first American president to physically chair the 15-member United Nations National Security Council, Chris Matthews’ Leg felt that familiar surge of bioelectric neural excitement.

“It’ll totally be like he’s all, ‘Hey, I’m in charge of the whole world’ for a couple of days, and the world will be all ‘woohoo! we’re on the Hope and Change Express!” The Leg enthused.

Past U.S. presidents have all delegated the job of chairing the Security Council to experienced ambassadors who, (A) have the diplomatic skills and experience to navigate the labyrinthine complexity of the U.N. bureaucracy, and (B) don’t mind wading around in the putrid, corruption-riddled, hypocritical, America-loathing, cluster-farg that is the United Nations.

But not this president. No sir. The Leg recalls that when candidate Obama spoke at the Brandenburg gate in Berlin, he  introduced himself as a “citizen of the world” How could he possibly turn down the opportunity to spend a few days pretending to be the king of it?

Chris Matthews’ Head Declares Obama “Last Kennedy Brother”

In a stunning revelation that is likely to increase pressure on the state of Hawaii to release the full version of the President’s birth certificate, Chris Matthews told the Today show’s Ann Curry that President Barack Obama was “the last Kennedy brother.”

Though it wasn’t picked up by NBC microphones, The Leg quickly added, “And in my heart, he’s the fifth Beatle; the eighth wonder of the world; and the fourth member of the Godhead.”

Legs Need Healthcare, Too

The Leg thinks it’s awesome that the President, between Rose Garden cigarette breaks, has come up with a plan to fix the nation’s heatlh care system.

“I’m uber stoked.” the self-aware appendage recently told the make up lady at MSNBC studios. “I’m looking forwward to enjoying the same efficiency and excellence in my doctor’s visits as I experience when interacting with the IRS or the Social Security Administration.”

“Let’s face it,” The Leg gushed. “Nothing fosters streamlined, hassle-free excellence like government oversight and colossal paperwork burdens. Just ask a car dealer.”

“Wise Doughy Leg” Endorses Sotomayor

Recently, Chris Matthews’ sensitive, self-aware limb pronounced that “a wise, doughy leg with rich tingly experiences will always reach better conclusions than will a more tanned, muscular leg that hasn’t felt those thrills.”

This is why The Leg gave its most vigorous endorsement to Sonia Sotomayor for SCOTUS today. “I think the President (high approval ratings be upon him) made a brilliant choice,” The Leg enthused. “Empathy rules! We need justices who won’t allow themselves to be constricted by trivialities like the actual words of the Constitution or the intent of elected lawmakers. We need judges who will make rulings based on whom they feel sorriest for.”

Tweety’s Leg Twitters

Follow the everyday tingles, thrills, and chills of “The Leg” over at the Chris Matthews’ Leg Twitter feed.

A Love Story for the Ages

David and Bathsheba. Cleopatra and Antony. King Edward and Wallace Simpson. These are some of the great romances of history. It is clear that we can now add to that list of legendary hookups: “MSNBC and The Obama White House.”

Not since a sidewalk collision got someone’s peanut butter on someone else’s chocolate have two entities been more treacly sweet on each other.

It’s been no secret that most of MSNBC’s “journalists” have had gigantic, giggly crushes on B.O.A.H.T. (Barack Obama and His Teleprompter) since the primaries. But then so did most of the rest of the post-journalism media. No, what makes this love story special is that when Chris, Keith, Rachel, et. al. slipped the Obama a White House this note:

Do you like us?  ___Yes  ___No  ___For a Friend

. . . it came back with the “Yes” box checked. This was confirmed by White House advisor Kareem Dale on C-SPAN the other day. The White House’s true feelings are revealed at about the 1:51 mark in this video:

This explains why Rachel Maddow was recently heard singing Roberta Flack’s “The First Time Ever I Saw His Face.”

Tweety’s Leg Twitters!

The Oracle says:

Since the Paul Harvey book project, things have been too quiet around here. Sorry about that. The book is off to the publisher now. And to make up for the neglect, The Oracle has launched a Twitter feed for The Leg.

You’ll find it here.

What could be more appropriate that regular tweeting by Tweety’s Leg? Go follow the tingle!

The Oracle’s Mystery Book Project . . . Revealed!

Chris Matthews’ Leg does NOT want you to get this book. And the dry shriveled husk of Keith Olbermann’s sense of shame hates it too!

I, the Oracle, now have clearance to talk about the mystery book deal I mentioned in the previous post. It’s this:

Stephen is a friend who also happens to have a couple of New York Times best-sellers under his belt. A few weeks ago, when Tyndale House approached him about a Paul Harvey biography that could be rushed to market, he briefly took leave of his senses and recommended me to co-write the work with him.

The book that is emerging isn’t so much a pure biography–although the man’s life is wildly interesting–but also an exploration of his middle-American conservative values and how they were reflected and expressed through the major events of the 20th Century. And how we need them today. (Oh, how we need them!)

Having started on radio in Tulsa in 1933 at the age of 14, Paul Harvey was an observer and a commentator on almost every major event and movement of the last century, right up to and through the election of Barack Obama in this one.

That’s why the title of the book is Paul Harvey’s America: The Life, Art and Faith of Man Who Transformed Radio and Inspired a Nation.

Stephen has even lined up some old timer news guy to write the forward, a man who, as a young journalist just starting out had done a little news gathering work for Paul Harvey back in the 50s. I think he said his name was Dan Rather.

Olbermann actually filled in for Paul Harvey for a good while back before his PMS-NBC days. Harvey was gracious enough to give the sportcaster a shot. Classy Olbermann returned the favor a few years later by naming Paul Harvey his “Worst Person in the World.”

Anyway, Stephen and I still have a couple more weeks of writing to do, but in the meantime, you could do me a small favor. BUY THE BOOK!

It is scheduled to publish on July 4 but pre-sales on Amazon are a super important factor in a book’s chances for success these days.

Oh, how grateful I would be if you would be so kind as to pre-purchase a copy through Amazon and throw a link to this blog post to your friends and neighbors with an exhortation to do the same.

The Oracle on Hiatus

The Oracle of the Leg has a book deal. And a looming deadline.

So, with his apologies, please expect radio silence for the next 30 days. If The Leg hasn’t exploded by then–and if the Hope and Change express hasn’t outlawed all dissent–reporting will resume in about a month.

The Leg Applauds Dem Strategy to Fiddle Sad Songs About Rush Limbaugh While Economy Burns

When you don’t know what to do, change the subject. Find a scapegoat. Demonize somebody.

That’s been a tried and true tactic for despots and demagogues through the ages and Chris Matthews’ Leg is thrilled to see that Chris, Keith and Rachel got the talking points memo from Rahm Emanuel about diverting attention from the devastating effects of the Pelosi-Reid-Obama TARPorkalypse.

The unexpected bonus for The Leg was seeing RNC chairman Micheal Steele stumble into the trap–inexplicably allowing Rush to be the topic instead of turning the tables and pointing to the staggering hypocrisy of liberals crying about a politically biased voice in the media.

Keith and Chris got some rich guffaws out of that one.

CM’s Leg Initially Excited to Hear Obama Banking Plan Involves “Swedish Model”

The Oracle had assumed that The Leg’s ardor for the new president could not possibly burn any brighter. But for a few minutes today, a certain sensitive limb’s admiration for the Light-Worker-in-Chief pushed into the ultraviolet spectrum when it caught a glimpse of the main headline on Drudge:

“Obama Moves Toward Swedish Model for Banks.”

For a while there, The Leg was convinced Britt Ekland was about to be named new head of the FDIC.

The Oracle found another news headline much more interesting:

“Attorney General: U.S. a “nation of cowards” on racial matters.”

To the contrary, in the Oracle’s experience, regular folks in America feel free to have frank and meaningful conversations about race all the time . . . that is UNLESS there is a self-appointed member of the civil rights, professional-grievance-mongering class in the room–the very tribe of Jesse Jackson, Al Sharpton wannabes that Attorney General Holder and President Obama have spent most of their adult lives hanging with.

With one of these humorless scold-o-matics in the area, everyone suddenly pretends there is no such thing as race; or that they were born with a genetic defect that makes them oblivious to skin tones.

Thus most Americans have learned the hard way that when in the presence of one of these aggrieved prosecutors of white America’s ancient sins there are only three things that are permissible to say:

“I’m sorry.”

“Of course, nothing’s your fault.”

“Who should I make the check payable to.”

This is What Olbermann Was in a Hurry For?

After two weeks of bungles, missteps, oopsies, doh!s and spectacular foul-ups by Team Obama, The Oracle is pretty sure these guys weren’t ready for prime time and needed every day of transitional preparation they could get and then some.

Which prompts this remembrance: Back in December, Keith Olbermann was the loudest among a gaggle of liberal media types calling for Bush to step aside early and allow Obama and friends take over the government early. Seriously.

Matthews, Olbermann: We meant to say ‘Assent’ is the highest form of patriotism. Or is it ‘Consent?’

Precisely what constitutes the highest form of patriotism has been the focus of robust debate at 30 Rock since inauguration day. So reports, “The Oracle”–the official interpreter of the thoughts and thrills of Chris Matthews’ Leg.

Sure, for eight years the journalistic industrial complex and the intensely earnest comment throngs at DU, Daily Kos, and HuffPo have operated in breezy metaphysical certitude about patriotism. Dissent was the thing. A hundred thousand Suburu bumper stickers couldn’t be wrong.

That fragrant little orthodoxy meant that throughout the Bush 43 administration guys like Bill Maher and Olbermann could feel like the love child of Thomas Paine and Betsy Ross in suggesting that Dick Cheney eats the heads of live puppies for breakfast. It was awesome.

But then the day of bliss happened. Which led to “the conundrum.”

Chris suggested changing the bumper sticker beatitude to: Helping make this administration a success is the highest form of patriotism. Olbermann felt that was too wordy and countered with: Genuflecting is the highest form of patriotism. Maddow offered: Screaming “You’re freaking awesome Mr. President!” is the highest form of patriotism.

Other h.f.o.p. contenders were:

Giving the president a verbal hot oil foot rub . . . (Andrea Mitchell)

Abandoning all pretense of objectivity . . . (David Shuster)

Among America’s news men and women you’ll find a few holdouts stubbornly clinging to old fashioned notions of objectivity and journalistic integrity.  Throw backs like ABC’s Jake Tapper–who told Charlie Rose the other night:

I would say for a lot of my colleagues, it’s perhaps an unrequited love between them and the president. He’s — you know, he’s a cool customer. You know, I think that there are some of us that, you know, maybe try to report on our feet a little bit more than on our knees and he doesn`t necessarily know what to make of us all the time. You know, he eyes us warily.

That comment gave The Leg an idea for his bumper sticker:

Reporting on your knees is the highest form of patriotism.

Then The Leg went online to order three pairs of kneepads for some friends who will need them.