The Oracle’s Mystery Book Project . . . Revealed!

Chris Matthews’ Leg does NOT want you to get this book. And the dry shriveled husk of Keith Olbermann’s sense of shame hates it too!

I, the Oracle, now have clearance to talk about the mystery book deal I mentioned in the previous post. It’s this:

Stephen is a friend who also happens to have a couple of New York Times best-sellers under his belt. A few weeks ago, when Tyndale House approached him about a Paul Harvey biography that could be rushed to market, he briefly took leave of his senses and recommended me to co-write the work with him.

The book that is emerging isn’t so much a pure biography–although the man’s life is wildly interesting–but also an exploration of his middle-American conservative values and how they were reflected and expressed through the major events of the 20th Century. And how we need them today. (Oh, how we need them!)

Having started on radio in Tulsa in 1933 at the age of 14, Paul Harvey was an observer and a commentator on almost every major event and movement of the last century, right up to and through the election of Barack Obama in this one.

That’s why the title of the book is Paul Harvey’s America: The Life, Art and Faith of Man Who Transformed Radio and Inspired a Nation.

Stephen has even lined up some old timer news guy to write the forward, a man who, as a young journalist just starting out had done a little news gathering work for Paul Harvey back in the 50s. I think he said his name was Dan Rather.

Olbermann actually filled in for Paul Harvey for a good while back before his PMS-NBC days. Harvey was gracious enough to give the sportcaster a shot. Classy Olbermann returned the favor a few years later by naming Paul Harvey his “Worst Person in the World.”

Anyway, Stephen and I still have a couple more weeks of writing to do, but in the meantime, you could do me a small favor. BUY THE BOOK!

It is scheduled to publish on July 4 but pre-sales on Amazon are a super important factor in a book’s chances for success these days.

Oh, how grateful I would be if you would be so kind as to pre-purchase a copy through Amazon and throw a link to this blog post to your friends and neighbors with an exhortation to do the same.

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The Oracle on Hiatus

The Oracle of the Leg has a book deal. And a looming deadline.

So, with his apologies, please expect radio silence for the next 30 days. If The Leg hasn’t exploded by then–and if the Hope and Change express hasn’t outlawed all dissent–reporting will resume in about a month.

Leg Cramps

Here are a few of the news items and events that gave Chris Matthews’ Leg a wicked cramp this week.

• Hillary Confirmed as Pick for State Dept.–Chris’s “issues” with Sen. Clinton are well known, though poorly understood.  He was sure all his hard work shamelessly shilling for Obama over the last year had finished the Clintons. Taking a brighter view of the appointment was The Oracle of The Leg who looks forward to fresh accounts of our new Secretary of State ducking sniper finer in numerous world capitals, American urban areas, and some of the more harrowing suburban shopping malls.  As long-time readers know, Chris has been there.
• Gov. Palin and The Silence of the Turkeys–This is what they would make PETA members watch if they were being held at Guantanamo. The YouTube of Sarah Palin giving an interivew with turkey dispatchment as a backdrop was the other source of buzz around the office today. “Clearly, I picked the wrong day to pack a turkey sandwich in the brown bag,” Chris muttered. “Hey Shuster, wanna trade?”
• Al Qaeda Dares to Dis “He Who Must Succeed”–Osama Bin Laden’s #2 used a racial slur to insult America’s soon-to-be #1. This story was Leg cramp-inducing for two reasons. First of all The Leg loves Barack Obama the way Keith Olbermann loves . . . everything about Keith Olbermann. It’s profoundly hurtful to hear anyone speak ill of the Light Worker-elect. Second, Chris’s brain has a devil of a time keeping the words Osama and Obama from swapping file drawers in his mind’s vocabular storage facility. About twice a month, Chris refers to the worlds most wanted terrorist as “Obama” and the president elect as “Osama.” See here, here and here, for example. Chris has been undergoing expensive hynotherapy to break this infernal curse but now, with both names appearing in the same news item, it will be back to square one.

First Ever Tingle Poll of CML Readers

Be heard. Smooth Jazz the Vote!

Chris Matthews’ Leg Vibrates at 250 MHz. Causes Matthews to Slide Randomly Around MSNBC Set Like Electric Football Man.

Barack Obama’s victory speech overstimulated the sensitive neuro-receptors in Chris Matthews’ lower left extremity and caused it to hum like a tuning fork.

The Leg couldn’t help feeling it had played a small role in making this historic night possible.

Yes, Chris, MSNBC and pretty much the entire broadcast news industry traded the last bits of their journalistic credibility in the bacchanal of fawning coverage. Sure, Matthews’ and Olbermann’s Bush-Derangement and over-the-top Obama water-carrying during the election made them a national punchline.

But as the nation’s union bosses, trial lawyers, greivance mongers, Israel haters, and global warming hysterics uncorked the champagne and prepared their legislative agendas–The Leg could be heard to whisper:

“Totally, worth it, man . . . totally worth it.”

Tingly Leg Syndrome Infects Son of William F. Buckley

Chris Matthews Leg is thrilled to welcome to the Club of the Mesmerized novelist Christopher Buckley.

As The Leg knows well, there are many paths to enlightenment about “The One.” The Leg isn’t quite sure how a smart guy like Buckley, who claims to prize small government and conservative/libertarian principles, gets up that hill, but it’s totally stoked about it.

Not everyone is as tingly about Buckely’s awakening: Check out The Childlike Faith of Christopher Buckley.

Leg thinks “Obama sure to win back middle-aged moms now that Sarah Palin is being trashed by rich, trampy celebrity girls.”

The Leg is encouraged.

“Sure, the Obama-Biden ticket was already losing the support of suburban moms because of that crazy perception that he is elitist and out-of-touch,” The Leg admits. “Yes, those McCain ‘Celebrity/Paris Hilton’ ads really stung.”

“And, of course, McCain’s pick of a hockey mom with five kids–one of them a special-needs baby– made all of Michelle’s whining about how unfair and hard life is when you have to juggle two kids and a $1 million-a-year job a little, well . . . elitist and out of touch.

But now The Leg is confident things are going to turn around. Why? Because nothing is as sure to rally busy thirty and forty-something moms back to the Obama cause like hearing Sarah Palin trashed by Pamela Anderson, Lindsey Lohan, and Pink.

“Having all these pampered, badly-educated celebs joining the Palin pile on Is just the thing to get those rubes in flyover country back on the plantation,” The Leg enthused. “I’m all tingly about it.”

Getting Fired Wakens Chris Matthews’ Leg. Spasms, Cramps Ensue.

The Oracle–gifted interpreter of the bio-electric pulses racing up and down Chris Matthews’ sciatic nerve–is pleased to announce that getting the hook has jerked The Leg awake.

The Oracle has been around quite a while. He’s been following politics and punditry so long, he can remember when Andrew Sullivan was intellectually honest. Why, he can even remember when David Letterman was funny. He’s been around that long.

Nevertheless he was still shocked to see Chris Matthews Leg thrilled into a catatonic state by the mere anticipation of hearing Barack Obama’s convention acceptance speech. But the news that Chris (the nation’s leading cheerleader for Senator Obama); and Keith Olbermann (the “nation’s televised face of sneering, drooling Bush hatred“); had been invited to vacate the anchor chairs of MSNBC’s election coverage snapped the sensitive appendage back to tingly consciousness.

After “The Great Injustice” as Chris is calling it, The Leg called an emergency meeting with the dry, shriveled husk of Keith Olbermann’s sense of shame in hopes of formulating a unified response strategy.

This proved to be impossible, however, as it quickly became apparent that the shock of MSNBC’s move to salvage it’s few, remaining wispy threads of journalistic credibility had pushed Olby utterly over the edge.

Thus, the Countdown Host’s long, heartbreaking descent into madness is seemingly complete. The last frayed mooring lines tethering the ex-sportscaster to the docks of reason have snapped and he is now adrift in the foaming sea of rage-fueled paranoia that is the comment threads at The Daily Kos, The Democratic Underground and the Huffington Post.

Chris Matthews’ Leg, though still stinging from the demotion, is ready to hum like a tuning fork at every messianic pronouncement from the world’s most famous community organizer. And Chris is ready to use the ever-diminishing influence of the Hardball pulpit to do his part for the holy cause.

New Alien Video Mystery Solved

Yesterday Chris Matthews’ Leg was shooting the breeze with the lifeless, shriveled husk of Keith Olbermann’s sense of shame as “the heads” (as The Leg affectionately calls them) were getting their makeup done.

Eventually, the subject of that new alien video came up.

The Leg said, “When I heard that someone had video tape of a menacing, bald, squinty little man leering through a residential window at night, my first thought was, ‘What’s Senator Leahy doing in Nebraska?”

Olbermann’s shame-void was not amused: “You, sir, are worse than Hitler’s leg.”

Clearly, the humorless Countdown host views all illegal aliens as future members of the new liberal electoral majority.

The Leg Assures Absolutely No Offense Will Be Taken If Candidate Obama Calls It “Sweetie”

In several public places frequented by Obama campaign insiders, Chris Matthews’ Leg has been heard casually but loudly mentioning that it wouldn’t be the least bit offended if the Senator happened to address it as “sweetie.”

“He can also call me Sioux Falls, Sioux City, the 57th state, or a Typical White Person’s Leg if he wants,” The Leg is also on record as stating.

“Just call me.”

Poultry-phobic Olbermann Relieved to Learn, “Chickens Coming Home to Roost” is Just a Metaphor.

The day didn’t start out great. First Olber R. Furrow had to endure what he loudly and pompously declared “the worst waffle in the world.” And finding out about that “chickens” saying was a little embarrassing.

But things turned around big time when he finally got around to reading Sunday’s New York Times op-ed page (or as he fondly calls it “checking in with HQ”) and he saw Frank Rich’s attempt to get some heat off of our man Obama by pointing at John McCain’s endorsement by San Antonio pastor John Hagee. Olby thought it made perfect sense.

“It’s the exact same situation, yet McCain gets a pass,” Olby fumed.

What about the fact that McCain’s never actually attended Hagee’s church or even heard one of his sermons, whereas Obama attended Wright’s church for 20 years?

“Hairsplitting,” Olby says.

And the fact that Obama repeatedly claimed Wright as a inspiration and spiritual adviser, while McCain barely even knows Hagee?

“Irrelevant.”

But what about the tens of thousands of dollars the Obama’s have donated to Wright’s church?

“A Red herring.”

“And what’s with all the questions, anyway! Look, Obama’s two decades joined at the hip with Wright are the exact same thing as McCain’s 15-minute brush-by of that Hagee fellow. And anyone who can’t see that is obviously the worst person in the world.”

“And you sir, are worse than Hitler.”

Chris Matthews’ Leg Boldly Predicts “As Guam Goes, So Goes Pitcairn Island.”

Following Barack Obama’s narrow, 7-vote victory over Hillary Rodham Clinton in the Guamian caucuses yesterday, The Leg was feeling. . .if not a full fledged thrill . . . at least a warm glow of satisfaction.

“It was a Gaum-Obama-Rama!” enthused The Leg, unmoved by the reality that Obama and Clinton both came away with two delegates. “A win is a win! This totally offsets getting clobbered in Pennsylvania. And likely future shellackings in Indiana, West Virginia and Kentucky.”

Chris Matthews’ Leg Confident Obama Meant Small-Town Americans Are “Bitter, Gun-Crazed, Religious-Nut, Bigot Xenophobes” in a Good Way

Senator Obama’s “Condescension Tour” got off to a rocky start in San Francisco late last week. But The Leg can’t figure out what the rubes in flyover country are all chafe-y and hacked about.

It seems small town Americans are prickly about having their feelings caricatured by hyper-ambitious, Harvard-educated, self-styled Messiahs for the entertainment and ego-massaging of Left Coast beautiful people. As crazy as that sounds.

In spite of this little bump in the road, Chris Matthews’ Leg is confident Obama is going to win it all by a landslide. Why, The Leg doesn’t know a single person in the best zip codes of New York, DC or Los Angeles who isn’t voting for him.

The Leg Breaks Silence After Close Encounter with Obama’s Leg

Though a clearly energized Chris Matthews’ Head hasn’t stopped talking for a moment since the “College Tour” fawn-fest with Obami Wan Kenobi, The Leg has been uncharacteristically silent since its close encounter with the glowing, hope-infusing, change-triggering, cynicism-stripping aura that surrounds the legs of the candidate.

Apparently, the sound vibrations generated by the voice of the Senate’s most liberal member touched a harmonic chord in The Leg and it began to vibrate like a tuning fork. Stunned by all the majesty, The Leg’s speech processing circuits overloaded and remained offline for several days.

“It was incredible, being that close to ‘him,'” The Leg gushed. “I mean, my knee was like, two feet away from one of his knees. And there was this positive energy . . . ”

At that point The Leg, overwhelmed by joy and hope, once again lost it’s capacity to communicate. 

The Leg Wowed by Andrew Sullivan’s Flexibility

Chris Matthews’ Leg was talking to the lifeless shriveled husk of Keith Olbermann’s sense of shame the other day. They were both totally in awe of the way ex-conservative Andrew Sullivan can turn his histrionic self-righteousness on a dime.

“It’s freaking incredible,” The Leg enthused. “I mean, one day he’s in his regular mode of demonizing any Republican politician who happens to be on speaking terms with a Baptist preacher unwilling to dance in Provincetown’s Gay Days parade dressed as Marlene Dietrich. The next day he’s calling his favored presidential candidate’s 20-year connection to a racist, hate-spewing, anti-American preacher a sign of maturity and broadmindedness. That’s flexibility a contortionist would envy.” 

Olbermann’s pallid, emaciated sense of decency agreed. “It’s a thing of beauty, man. The complete immunity to irony; the utter absence of self-awareness; the endless self-congratulatory citations of those who agree with him. . . sure we have all that in common. But oh, those rationalizing pirouettes! He’s in a class by himself there.”

Chris Matthews’ Leg said, “Amen, brother.”