The Leg Suspects Chris and Olbermann Competing to Out-Stupid Each Other (Update: Olby Wins!)

The Leg is beginning to suspect that Chris and Olbermann made some sort of wager while The Leg was asleep. The bet?

Who can make the most absurd pronouncement in the run up to and aftermath of the Massachusetts Miracle.

This is the only possible explanation for the non-stop gusts of straight-faced howlers proceding from the mouths of America’s most earnest cheerleaders for the Obama-Pelosi-Reid agenda.

Olbermann opened strong by calling Scott Brown: “irresponsible, homophobic, racist, reactionary, ex-nude model, tea bagging, supporter of violence against women and against politicians with whom he disagrees.” Ahhh, just like Edward R. Murrow used to do.

Chris, ever the zen master of measured understatement, countered with an assertion that a vote for Brown is the equivalent of “deliberate, premeditated murder for health care!”

Olby saw Chris’s hysteria and raised on election night by teasing before a break that he would be apologizing to Scott Brown. Later he smugly apologized for forgetting to include the word “sexist” in his list of slanders. The apology was contrived and superfluous because most folks probably assume that a charge of sexism is fully covered under “supporter of violence against women.”

At that point, Chris realized that he was completely out of his league in the jackassery Olympics and threw in the towel.

Why? Because, as The Leg knows, Chris has a fatal character flaw for an MSNBC show host. He has occasional fits of intellectual honesty . . .  like this one that compelled him point out that Howard Dean is either full of crap or crazy.

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This is What Olbermann Was in a Hurry For?

After two weeks of bungles, missteps, oopsies, doh!s and spectacular foul-ups by Team Obama, The Oracle is pretty sure these guys weren’t ready for prime time and needed every day of transitional preparation they could get and then some.

Which prompts this remembrance: Back in December, Keith Olbermann was the loudest among a gaggle of liberal media types calling for Bush to step aside early and allow Obama and friends take over the government early. Seriously.

Matthews, Olbermann: We meant to say ‘Assent’ is the highest form of patriotism. Or is it ‘Consent?’

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Precisely what constitutes the highest form of patriotism has been the focus of robust debate at 30 Rock since inauguration day. So reports, “The Oracle”–the official interpreter of the thoughts and thrills of Chris Matthews’ Leg.

Sure, for eight years the journalistic industrial complex and the intensely earnest comment throngs at DU, Daily Kos, and HuffPo have operated in breezy metaphysical certitude about patriotism. Dissent was the thing. A hundred thousand Suburu bumper stickers couldn’t be wrong.

That fragrant little orthodoxy meant that throughout the Bush 43 administration guys like Bill Maher and Olbermann could feel like the love child of Thomas Paine and Betsy Ross in suggesting that Dick Cheney eats the heads of live puppies for breakfast. It was awesome.

But then the day of bliss happened. Which led to “the conundrum.”

Chris suggested changing the bumper sticker beatitude to: Helping make this administration a success is the highest form of patriotism. Olbermann felt that was too wordy and countered with: Genuflecting is the highest form of patriotism. Maddow offered: Screaming “You’re freaking awesome Mr. President!” is the highest form of patriotism.

Other h.f.o.p. contenders were:

Giving the president a verbal hot oil foot rub . . . (Andrea Mitchell)

Abandoning all pretense of objectivity . . . (David Shuster)

Among America’s news men and women you’ll find a few holdouts stubbornly clinging to old fashioned notions of objectivity and journalistic integrity.  Throw backs like ABC’s Jake Tapper–who told Charlie Rose the other night:

I would say for a lot of my colleagues, it’s perhaps an unrequited love between them and the president. He’s — you know, he’s a cool customer. You know, I think that there are some of us that, you know, maybe try to report on our feet a little bit more than on our knees and he doesn`t necessarily know what to make of us all the time. You know, he eyes us warily.

That comment gave The Leg an idea for his bumper sticker:

Reporting on your knees is the highest form of patriotism.

Then The Leg went online to order three pairs of kneepads for some friends who will need them.

Olbermann in Post-Bush Crisis. Must Find New Focus for 17 Million Gigawatts of Incandescent Hate or Risk Spontaneous Human Combustion.

The Leg is concerned about colleague Keith Olbermann. From the moment Air Force One disappeared over the western horizon on inauguration day (also known at MSNBC HQ as “Mission Accomplished Day,” “The Dawning of Perfect Joy,” and “The Day of Indescribable Bliss-y Goodness) carrying outgoing President Bush to Midland, Texas, the Countdown host seemed to slip into a bewildered funk.

“He’s like a little lost boy now,” one perky intern observed. “Albeit, a boy that will grope you then scream at you fetch him a Powerbar.”

Since Countdown debuted on March 31, 2003, George W. Bush has done the world a service by serving (along with Bill O’Reilly and Rush Limbaugh) as a safety valve-like target for Keith’s bombastic, self-important, spittle-flecked rage.

But now the locus of 70 percent of that irrational, Daily Kos-fueled hate energy has been removed and the laser of loathing must find a new outlet or risk melting down. But whom to unfailingly impute bad faith to? Whose difficult decisions to put the the worst possible construction upon? Whom to label a “liar” every time they are merely mistaken?

In desperation, Olbermann has recently lashed out at targets as innocuous as John Gibson, pro-lifers, the infield fly rule, and beets. But it just wasn’t the same.

And so an anxious world watches and wonders as the East Coast’s answer to the Yellowstone caldera builds up pressure. To turn some old Queen lyrics on their head, The Leg wonders, “Won’t somebody find KO, somebody to hate?”

Random Restless Leg Thoughts

  • So MSNBC has banned Ann Coulter for life. The Leg is sooooo relieved to hear this. It would be such a shame if the network gave air time to anyone being screedy, ideologically shrill, hyper-partisan, or mean.

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  • It seems Minnesotans have finally equaled the electoral trick of putting Jesse Ventura in the governor’s mansion for four disastrous years. It took a little creative bookkeeping by the state canvassing board and some magically appearing ballots, but Al “The Body” Franken is poised . . . as crazy as this sounds . . . to be seated in the most important deliberative body on planet earth. The Leg says, “You gotta love Minnesota. They always have a critical mass of half-toasted ice fishermen willing to vote for the novelty candidate. And the Twin Cities are like a big, frozen Berkeley, California but with Swedes, Norwegians and lutefisk.”

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  • The Leg wonders if MSNBC can get a ratings bailout. “It sucks that we’re always in last place among the cable news networks,” The Leg whines. “Some FoxNews viewers should be shifted to us. They’ve got millions of them. In the words of a certain President-elect, ‘It’s a question of fairness.'”

Chris Matthews’ Leg Flings Shoe at Olbermann’s Head

The sensitive appendage doesn’t recall what put the idea in it’s mind but it was suddenly siezed with an irrestistable urge to kick off a J&M tassel loafer and send it flying toward the back of Keith Olbermann’s head today as  he walked through the MSNBC commisary.

The cordovan leather missile grazed the Countdown host’s left ear, caught David Schuster square in the forehead and dropped into Rachel Maddow’s bowl of organic quinoa.

Tom Brokaw saw the whole thing and remarked, “In the words of Austin Powers, ‘Who throws a shoe?’

Leaked: Keith Olbermann’s “To Do” List

Found by a cleaning lady at MSNBC studios . . .  a piece of executive-sized stationery with the initials K.O.

To Do

__ Browbeat the interns.

__ Call the Dale Carnegie people. Demand refund.

__ Check Daily Kos threads to find out what the kids want to hear tonight.

__ Repeatedly stab photo of Bill O’Reilly muttering oaths and curses.

__ Taunt CM, RM about my salary increase.

__ Renew “Verbal Advantage” subscription.

__ Send vocabulary out to be waxed.

__ Hit GoDaddy. Register InsufferableTwit.com and PompousGeek.tv

__ Hit Netflix. Put “Reds” at the top of the queue. Again.