Leg Bummed to Discover “Righteous Wind” at its Back is Just Olbermann Being Gross

Oh, the tingles and thrills Chris Matthews’ Leg has been feeling in recent days as it has seemed increasingly likely that a majority of Americans were actually about to take a flyer on a community organizer with poor taste in friends and even worse taste in preachers-and in volatile, dangerous times, no less.

For a few minutes the other day, The Leg even thought it was feeling that righteous wind spoken of by “He Who Will Punish the Productive Through Wealth Spread-age.”

Unfortunately, the warm breeze just turned out to be Olbermann being juvenile (what’s new) after gorging himself on spicy tapas at Bobby Flay’s “Bolo” over on East 22nd. Giggling and giddy, the Countdown host proudly declared his productivity, “Worst Gas in the World.”

The Leg was not inclined to dispute that designation.

CM’s Leg “Ecstatic” to be Part of America’s First Media Coup D’Etat

Chris Matthew’s Leg was partying with Barney Frank’s Tie and the dry, shriveled husk of Keith Olbermann’s sense of shame last night after the Palin-Biden debate.

Why a celebration – even after Sarah Palin clearly failed to live down to the caricature the MSM had furiously been painting for weeks ? Because it didn’t matter.

Chris’s Tingle Spot, Keith’s shame void, Barney’s poor, over-strained collar button . . .  they all know that the fix is in. And baby it feels good.

“It’s very exciting,” The Leg gushed. “We’re making history here. We, the members of the National Press Club, the Screen Actors Guild, and a few honorary members like Oprah and Soros, are going to install a President of the United States because, clearly, the American people can’t be trusted to pick one on their own.”

“We’re totally unified this time,” Olby’s soul-shaped vacuum chimed in. “It’s very cool to be a part of something bigger than my . . . well, almost bigger than myself. This is what it must have been like to be a campus radical in the ’60s . . .except we’re all rich and powerful and pretty.”

“And we bath,” The Leg Chimed in. “Well, most of us,” The Leg said jerking a toe over in the direction of Barney Frank’s neck.

“Right now we control everything but Talk Radio. And we’ll be shutting that nuisance down shortly after the election,” it said catching a high five from Olbermann’s shame void and shouting “Fairness Doctrine, baby!”

“Are we about to swing a close election via a complete abandonment of all pretense of objectivity?” The Leg asks. “Heck yeah. And if you don’t like it, then you must be a racist.”

The Oracle: “That’s Not an ‘Elephant in the Room.” It’s Just Jack Cafferty’s Enormous Capacity for Gas-Baggery.”

The Oracle — interpreter and translator for Chris Matthews’ Leg–has grown accustomed to hearing lefty blowhards spout nonsense analysis and bogus political theorums. After all, consistent proximity to Keith Olbermann provides a steady diet of passionate malarkey.

But  yesterday’s blog post by CNN’s Jack Cafferty was absurd enough to peg the needle on even The Oracle’s jaded Gas-o-meter.

In it, Cafferty claims to have discovered why the race for the presidency is currently so darned close. Echoing what seems to be the new official talking point — it’s Racism! Cafferty wrote:

Race is arguably the biggest issue in this election, and it’s one that nobody’s talking about.

The differences between Barack Obama and John McCain couldn’t be more well-defined. Obama wants to change Washington. McCain is a part of Washington and a part of the Bush legacy. Yet the polls remain close. Doesn’t make sense…unless it’s race.

Time magazine’s Michael Grunwald says race is the elephant in the room.

The Oracle is still working through the logic on this one:

“Let’s see. In 2000, in a race between a white liberal and white conservative, the nation was evenly split. In 2004, again a race between a white liberal and white conservative, the electorate was again divided 50-50. So now that the race is between a black liberal and a white conservative and the polls are once again showing a roughly tied race, the elephant-in-the-room explanation is racism? Really?”

The Oracle suspects that the real elephant in the room is the truth that desperation to swing this election is driving guys like Cafferty and Olbermann to become ridiculous parodies of their already ridiculous selves.

Update: Hot Air has moving pictures of the gas-baggery.

Chris Matthews Leg Amused, Appalled by Clumsy Jockeying for Russert Seat

The Leg operates under a very simple values system.

Every potential action is weighed against one question: Is this good for Barack Obama’s election prospects?

Thus, you can understand The Leg’s consternation at the escalating Machiavellian maneuvering between Keith Olbermann and Chris Matthews’ Head following the sudden opening of the lead position on “Meet the Press”–a real news show that actually airs on a real network with viewers other than seething, rage-drunk, conspiracy-nut commenters from the Daily Kos and the Huffington Post.

Tim Russert’s sad, sudden passing severed Olbermann’s and Matthews’ main connection to journalistic credibility (Tom Brokaw’s occasional fly-bys are too infrequent to undo much of the credibility-draining damage done every time one of the two opens his mouth.)

“Yes, the prize is tempting,” The Leg muses. “But these guys need to keep their eyes on the ball! It’s not about us. It’s about Him!” The Leg points heavenward. . . toward the Obama “HOPE” poster on the wall.

The Leg is really worked up now. “THIS CRAP ISN’T HELPING MICHELLE OBAMA’S KIDS!”

The Leg thinks Chris should stay focused on running for the Senate in Pennsylvania in two years. As Chris was clearly doing when he chose to desecrate a Tim Russert tribute with a selfish rant about Bush and the Iraq war.

“The “Meet the Press” gig should go to someone who actually cares about looking somewhat objective. And rational. Keith and Chris should stay in the fever swamp of naked partisanship where they belong,” says The Leg.

Tailings by Private Investigators, Tax Evasion, Grudges, Intrigue – The Leg Helpless to Stop MSNBC’s Slide Into Bad Falconcrest Episode

Exhibit A – Keith Olbermann may have a ongoing problem remembering to pay his taxes.

Exhibit B –  Chris Matthews may be carrying a grudge against Arianna Huffington for allegedly hiring a private detective to tail Tim Russert.

Exhibit C – Keith Olbermann may have audibly slammed his hand down on his desk, on-air, when David Gregory started eating into his camera time.

Chris Matthews’ Leg – a sensitive and romantic little fellow – has always seen itself as living in the hub of a busy, professional news organization . . . as a vital sensory organ in a world-class newsman in the tradition of Edward R. Murrow’s “gut” and  David Brinkley’s “nose” for a story.

Which makes it all the more painful for The Leg to confront the dawning realization that it is actually trapped in a bad Steven Seagal movie.

The Leg had hoped to discuss the spreading credibility crisis with that little soul-shaped vacuum where Keith Olbermann’s sense of decency used to be. But he learned that the Countdown host was busy watching some Corbin Benson infomercial offering relief from IRS tax liens and wage garnishments.

Ever Gracious and Fair Minded, Keith Olbermann Has Change of Heart on Scott McClellan’s Credibility. All Forgiven New BFF.

Sure, Keith Olbermann spent years vilifying Scott McClellan as a pathological liar, an unscrupulous shill, and as the “False Prophet” to George W. Bush’s “Beast of Revelation.” Yes, Olby repeatedly and unfailingly assured us that every McClellan utterance was a guarenteed fabrication.

But word that McClellan’s about-to-be-released memoir contains some cheap knees to the groinal areas of Bush, Cheney, Rove and Rice has triggered a rapid reconsideration in the former sportscaster’s wide stance on the man.

“He’s a walking tower of credibility,” Olbermann gushed today. “Integrity oozes from his pores. Waves of soothing veracity emanate from the virtue-saturated core of his being. He’s my BFF.”

To Olby’s annoyment, MIchelle Malkin is pointing out a little irony-clad hypocrisy in McClellan’s freshly-revealed-for-your-reading-pleasure concerns. But Olby can’t go typically ballistic over it. As a Time Magazine blog post recently pointed out, Hillary’s RFK assassination comment resulted in Olbermann blowing his “Last Remaining Gasket.”

The Leg “Concerned” About Olbermann; Laments Countdown Host’s Heartbreaking Descent Into Madness

With a mixture of shock and sadness, Chris Matthews’ Leg watched colleague Keith Olbermann’s “Special Comment” Wednesday night as the last remaining threads connecting the former sportscaster to the world of reality snapped like rotted mooring lines.

In a 15-minute snarling, spittle-flecked primal-scream of a rant, Olbermann accused President Bush of personally inventing disease, birth defects, sorrow, death and the way decaying garbage smells solely for his perverse entertainment.

“Hey, I’m no fan of Bush. And I’m fully in the tank for Obama, too. So, I’m sympathetic.” The Leg confided later. “But sweet smoking Judas, that was just embarassing. And sad.”

This, apparently, is what living for the approval of the Daily Kos and HuffPo mobs will do to you. It’s takes ever more incendiary rhetoric and Bush-slander to get the rage-drunk commenters at those sites to post your praises. And when they are pretty much the only people in the world who praise you (or even watch your show), it leads to a powerful cycle of addiction.

Later, a weeping Tom Brokaw was seen in the Countdown studio sweeping up the shards of what had been the tiny remnant of MSNBC’s journalistic credibility.

Chris Matthews’ Head calls Hillary “The Al Sharpton of white people.” The Leg Calls Chris, “the Jar Jar Binks of real people.”

The Chris Matthews of PoliticiansThe Hillary Clinton of Media Whores

The Leg cramped up a little the other night when The Head got worked up and referred to Hillary Clinton as “the Al Sharpton of white people.”

This prompted the snappy rejoinder from The Leg about Chris’s favorite Star Wars character during a commercial break; and further devolved into name calling after Chris called The Leg “the Alf Landon of body parts.”

A chair-throwing melee broke out when The Leg accused Keith Olbermann of being “the Keith Olbermann of Keith Olbermanns.”

The Al Sharpton of Movie DesecratorsThe \The Keith Olbermann of Keith Olbermanns

Re: Obama–Chris Matthews Vows Not to Be “Out-Fawned” by Olbermann. K.O. Retorts “Now THAT’S the Audacity of Hope”

Chris Matthews’ Leg (and the body to which it is attached) threw down the gauntlet yesterday amid galling observations that Keith Olbermann was exhibiting way more over-the-top adoration and gushing school-girl infatuation for candidate Obama than has Matthews.

“I will not be out-fawned by some beady-eyed, over-groomed geek who keeps his Smug knob cranked to ’11’ at all times.” declared Chris Matthews’ Head to a startled auto parts salesman on an adjacent barstool. “If you think I’ve been deferential and cheerleader-y up to this point, you just wait. You’re about to see the verbal equivalent of a hot oil foot rub every night. I’ll leave Gooberman in my dust.”

When told of Matthews’ trash-talking, Olbermann shot back:

“Matthews will never be in my league until he drops that quaint, old-school attachment to trying to appear fair every once in a while. You don’t become an iconic champion of the fevered, frothing, raging, Daily Kos comment swarms without abandoning all pretext of fairness, detachment, and reason.” Olbermann lectured. Smugly.

To illustrate his point, Olbermann pointed to the time Matthews stumped an Obama supporter by asking a reasonable question.

“What was that?, What, he couldn’t prep the guy a little? Give a brother a heads up?” Olbermann wailed. “Come on, pick a side and stay on it! Amateur.

Ted Says Global Warming Will Lead to Cannibalism. The Leg Now “More Wary” of Olbermann.

Ever since yesterday’s bombshell by Montana sheep rancher and future purchaser of the U.N. on Ebay, Ted Turner, in which he confidently predicted that global warming will result in cannibalism as a way of life. . . Chris Matthews’ Leg keeps thinking that Olbermann is “looking at me kinda weird.”

It wasn’t reassuring that Olbermann changed up his usual program format last night in order to declare The Leg–“Juiciest Appendage in the World.”

Olbermann Predicts Obama Administration Will Feature “Mystic Crystal Revelation and the Mind’s True Liberation”

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Chris Matthews’ Leg declared Keith Olbermann “right on” when the clearly-baked cable pundit issued the above pronouncement. Olbermann also predicted that Obama would dismantle the Defense Department and replace it with “The Ministry of Harmony and Understanding, Sympathy and Trust Abounding” or HUSTA.

The Leg Breaks News to Olbermann: “‘Stimulus Package’ Doesn’t Mean What You Think It Does”

A disappointed and red-faced Keith Olbermann was seen walking away from Chris Matthews’ Leg today. Later, The Leg said, “I drew the short straw in the office pool. We just couldn’t let the guy go on embarrassing himself that way. We want to see him continue to embarrass himself in other, more entertaining ways.”