The Pluperfect Storm

It wasn’t pretty.

Yesterday Chris Matthews’ Leg was chatting with the dry, shriveled husk of Keith Olbermann’s sense of proportionality and watching the live feed of the President’s Townhall. That voice was working its electric magic on the senstive appendage once more.

Suddenly some intern came running through the room waving a news release from the Rasmussen polling people. The Leg wasn’t sure but it appeared the girl had been crying.

“What’s that about?” The Leg asked a passing card-carrying-union-member-in-good standing teleprompter operator.

She explained that the release contained survey data revealing that more people say their views are more closely aligned with those of Sarah Palin than with those of “The One” (may higher approval ratings be upon him.)

“Was it close?” the dry, shriveled husk of Olbermann’s sense of proportionality asked hopefully. The intern just burst into tears and ran from the room, which, come to think of it, happens with Keith a lot.

The news quickly sent a chill through the overwhelmingly white staff at MSNBC and Matthews’ overwhelmingly white Leg turned a whiter shade of pale. Olbermann stormed off in search of a staff member to browbeat.

From somewhere deep in the bowels of 30 Rock, Leslie Stahl let out a long, mournful primal scream. The smell of scotch and frying bratwurst started wafting from Ed Schulz office.

Suddenly, The Leg’s attention was drawn back to the live feed of the President’s Townhall. A nice-looking African-American woman was speaking. “This is more like it,” The Leg thought. “Now we’re going to hear someone make some sense.” The Leg turned up the volume and heard:

“I’m one of your middle class Americans. And quite frankly, I’m exhausted. Exhausted of defending you, defending your administration, defending the mantle of change that I voted for.”

At that moment a huge muscle cramp seized the calf of The Leg and it didn’t hear the rest. Just something about “hot dogs and beans” and the “new reality.”

“Let the doubters doubt,” The Leg muttered. “I’m keeping hope alive.”

Indeed, Chris Matthews’ Leg is clinging to its belief that Obama is a great president harder than a defeated Alaska Senator clings to power and privilege.

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Matthews’ Leg Agrees with President, Oil Spill Just Like 9/11, Both Involved Fire and Stuff

The Leg felt that old familiar thrill once more yesterday when President Obama passed up a perfectly good tee time in order to visit a beach in Mississippi and sample a bold and innovative variety of local culinary offerings.

In between the Shrimp Po’ Boy course and the Lemon Sno Cone that was forced to stand in as a sorbet palate cleanser, the President suggested that this crisis was his “9/11.”

The Leg totally agreed and added: “The parallels are obvious.”

Indeed, the Deepwater Horizon spill is the result of a too-cozy relationship between federal inspectors and the drilling companies they were supposed to be inspecting. Likewise, 9/11 resulted from a too-cozy relationship between Islamic jihadis and their all-consuming zeal for killing Jews, Christians and Westerners in general.

“The similarities are uncanny,” The Leg enthused. “It’s kinda like Lincoln had a secretary named Kennedy and Kennedy had a secretary, too.”

Later, the President, standing atop a pile of shrimp nets with the bullhorn, addressed a half-dozen noisy pelicans standing on the posts of a nearby pier. “Yes, I do hear you,” the President shouted into the bullhorn. “And soon those arrogant British imperialists who oppressed and exploited Kenya for decades will hear you too!” The pelicans expressed their obvious approval and appreciation for the President by fighting over the remains of the President’s crab cake.

“I swear to you on the square grooves of my favorite lob wedge,” The President vowed, appearing to choke up a little.”I will not rest until the ineffective and corrupt federal bureaucrats who failed to enforce the safety regulations that would have prevented this catastrophe have many additional complex regulations to not enforce.”

Elsewhere, catching the presidential spirit of Brit-bashing and narcissistic preening, the Nu-metal band Korn announced that its buses would be boycotting BP fuel on its tour this summer. (h/t DailyGut.com) Korn’s publicist also took the opportunity to announce the new sponsor for the band’s summer tour, The Ethanol Lobby. “Isn’t it perfect?” Korn’s manager beamed. “It’s the most beautiful tie-in between artist and sponsor I’ve seen since Ke$ha picked up both Jack Daniels and Clear Blue Easy for her Tik Tok tour.”

Leg Cancels Waxing Appt. to Protest IOC Decision

Chris Matthews’ Leg pretty much went through all five stages of grief (and sort of free-styled a sixth) after hearing the stunning news that the International Olympic Committee had chosen Rio as the site for the 2016 Olympics–thus snubbing Chicago, the cocoon from which President Obama (higher approval ratings be upon Him) emerged like a glorious butterfly just a few short years ago.

“How is this possible?” The Leg sputtered. “The members of the committee experienced the the full soul-healing and psyche-massaging sounds of His voice. In person!”

Still stinging at the injustice of it all, The Leg called and canceled his monthly leg-hair removal session at Brazilian Bob’s Day Spa and Depilatory Hut.

Insure Us Obami Wan! You’re Our Only Hope!

Chris Matthews’ Leg did it’s doughy best to keep a Twitter feed going during the President’s wise and soul-healing address tonight. But Tweety Tweets are tough to produce when you’re vibrating at about 2,000 cycles per second and singing “Oh, sweet mystery of life, at last I’ve found you!”

The only legs more excited than Matthews’ sensitive appendage tonight appeared to belong to Nancy Pelosi who repeatedly demonstrated a vertical leap that should enable her to dunk at will over Dikembe Mutombo.

The Leg loved the way Dear Leader showed he was a young man of fresh ideas by reminding us that politicians have been trying to put those uppity doctors in their place since Teddy Roosevelt. He also thought that having a smirking and grinning Nancy Pelosi seemingly perched on the President’s shoulder in a red dress throughout the address was surely a visually compelling way to reassure all the wavering rubes in flyover country and get them on board with the brilliant plan that’s going to make everything better in every way but not cost anyone any more money.

Sitting on the other shoulder was Joe Biden, who seemed to perk up and lean in when the Shining One said he wanted to address some remarks to senior citizens.

The highlight for the Leg is when the President pointed us all to the Social Security program as a shining example of how the government can run an entitlement program without it becoming a ticking time bomb of exploding deficits and impending national insolvency. (Brilliant!)

Now, surely, the American people will chill out and let those clever folks in Congress do what they do best.

Leg Lauds Obama Plan to Pretend to be “President of the World”

When the Financial Times reported yesterday that Barack Obama will become the first American president to physically chair the 15-member United Nations National Security Council, Chris Matthews’ Leg felt that familiar surge of bioelectric neural excitement.

“It’ll totally be like he’s all, ‘Hey, I’m in charge of the whole world’ for a couple of days, and the world will be all ‘woohoo! we’re on the Hope and Change Express!” The Leg enthused.

Past U.S. presidents have all delegated the job of chairing the Security Council to experienced ambassadors who, (A) have the diplomatic skills and experience to navigate the labyrinthine complexity of the U.N. bureaucracy, and (B) don’t mind wading around in the putrid, corruption-riddled, hypocritical, America-loathing, cluster-farg that is the United Nations.

But not this president. No sir. The Leg recalls that when candidate Obama spoke at the Brandenburg gate in Berlin, he  introduced himself as a “citizen of the world” How could he possibly turn down the opportunity to spend a few days pretending to be the king of it?

Chris Matthews’ Head Declares Obama “Last Kennedy Brother”

In a stunning revelation that is likely to increase pressure on the state of Hawaii to release the full version of the President’s birth certificate, Chris Matthews told the Today show’s Ann Curry that President Barack Obama was “the last Kennedy brother.”

Though it wasn’t picked up by NBC microphones, The Leg quickly added, “And in my heart, he’s the fifth Beatle; the eighth wonder of the world; and the fourth member of the Godhead.”

Legs Need Healthcare, Too

The Leg thinks it’s awesome that the President, between Rose Garden cigarette breaks, has come up with a plan to fix the nation’s heatlh care system.

“I’m uber stoked.” the self-aware appendage recently told the make up lady at MSNBC studios. “I’m looking forwward to enjoying the same efficiency and excellence in my doctor’s visits as I experience when interacting with the IRS or the Social Security Administration.”

“Let’s face it,” The Leg gushed. “Nothing fosters streamlined, hassle-free excellence like government oversight and colossal paperwork burdens. Just ask a car dealer.”

“Wise Doughy Leg” Endorses Sotomayor

Recently, Chris Matthews’ sensitive, self-aware limb pronounced that “a wise, doughy leg with rich tingly experiences will always reach better conclusions than will a more tanned, muscular leg that hasn’t felt those thrills.”

This is why The Leg gave its most vigorous endorsement to Sonia Sotomayor for SCOTUS today. “I think the President (high approval ratings be upon him) made a brilliant choice,” The Leg enthused. “Empathy rules! We need justices who won’t allow themselves to be constricted by trivialities like the actual words of the Constitution or the intent of elected lawmakers. We need judges who will make rulings based on whom they feel sorriest for.”

A Love Story for the Ages

David and Bathsheba. Cleopatra and Antony. King Edward and Wallace Simpson. These are some of the great romances of history. It is clear that we can now add to that list of legendary hookups: “MSNBC and The Obama White House.”

Not since a sidewalk collision got someone’s peanut butter on someone else’s chocolate have two entities been more treacly sweet on each other.

It’s been no secret that most of MSNBC’s “journalists” have had gigantic, giggly crushes on B.O.A.H.T. (Barack Obama and His Teleprompter) since the primaries. But then so did most of the rest of the post-journalism media. No, what makes this love story special is that when Chris, Keith, Rachel, et. al. slipped the Obama a White House this note:

Do you like us?  ___Yes  ___No  ___For a Friend

. . . it came back with the “Yes” box checked. This was confirmed by White House advisor Kareem Dale on C-SPAN the other day. The White House’s true feelings are revealed at about the 1:51 mark in this video:

This explains why Rachel Maddow was recently heard singing Roberta Flack’s “The First Time Ever I Saw His Face.”

CM’s Leg Initially Excited to Hear Obama Banking Plan Involves “Swedish Model”

The Oracle had assumed that The Leg’s ardor for the new president could not possibly burn any brighter. But for a few minutes today, a certain sensitive limb’s admiration for the Light-Worker-in-Chief pushed into the ultraviolet spectrum when it caught a glimpse of the main headline on Drudge:

“Obama Moves Toward Swedish Model for Banks.”

For a while there, The Leg was convinced Britt Ekland was about to be named new head of the FDIC.

The Oracle found another news headline much more interesting:

“Attorney General: U.S. a “nation of cowards” on racial matters.”

To the contrary, in the Oracle’s experience, regular folks in America feel free to have frank and meaningful conversations about race all the time . . . that is UNLESS there is a self-appointed member of the civil rights, professional-grievance-mongering class in the room–the very tribe of Jesse Jackson, Al Sharpton wannabes that Attorney General Holder and President Obama have spent most of their adult lives hanging with.

With one of these humorless scold-o-matics in the area, everyone suddenly pretends there is no such thing as race; or that they were born with a genetic defect that makes them oblivious to skin tones.

Thus most Americans have learned the hard way that when in the presence of one of these aggrieved prosecutors of white America’s ancient sins there are only three things that are permissible to say:

“I’m sorry.”

“Of course, nothing’s your fault.”

“Who should I make the check payable to.”

Matthews, Olbermann: We meant to say ‘Assent’ is the highest form of patriotism. Or is it ‘Consent?’

Precisely what constitutes the highest form of patriotism has been the focus of robust debate at 30 Rock since inauguration day. So reports, “The Oracle”–the official interpreter of the thoughts and thrills of Chris Matthews’ Leg.

Sure, for eight years the journalistic industrial complex and the intensely earnest comment throngs at DU, Daily Kos, and HuffPo have operated in breezy metaphysical certitude about patriotism. Dissent was the thing. A hundred thousand Suburu bumper stickers couldn’t be wrong.

That fragrant little orthodoxy meant that throughout the Bush 43 administration guys like Bill Maher and Olbermann could feel like the love child of Thomas Paine and Betsy Ross in suggesting that Dick Cheney eats the heads of live puppies for breakfast. It was awesome.

But then the day of bliss happened. Which led to “the conundrum.”

Chris suggested changing the bumper sticker beatitude to: Helping make this administration a success is the highest form of patriotism. Olbermann felt that was too wordy and countered with: Genuflecting is the highest form of patriotism. Maddow offered: Screaming “You’re freaking awesome Mr. President!” is the highest form of patriotism.

Other h.f.o.p. contenders were:

Giving the president a verbal hot oil foot rub . . . (Andrea Mitchell)

Abandoning all pretense of objectivity . . . (David Shuster)

Among America’s news men and women you’ll find a few holdouts stubbornly clinging to old fashioned notions of objectivity and journalistic integrity.  Throw backs like ABC’s Jake Tapper–who told Charlie Rose the other night:

I would say for a lot of my colleagues, it’s perhaps an unrequited love between them and the president. He’s — you know, he’s a cool customer. You know, I think that there are some of us that, you know, maybe try to report on our feet a little bit more than on our knees and he doesn`t necessarily know what to make of us all the time. You know, he eyes us warily.

That comment gave The Leg an idea for his bumper sticker:

Reporting on your knees is the highest form of patriotism.

Then The Leg went online to order three pairs of kneepads for some friends who will need them.

Historic Inauguration Triggers History-Making Reaction in Chris Matthews’ Leg

There were reports of shattered windows up and down the east coast today as Chris Matthews’ Leg began vibrating at a frequency and amplitude previously unknown to science. Homeland Security officials noted that the peaks in the harmonic surge waves tended to coincide with certain inaugural events being covered by MSNBC.

Meanwhile, theoretical physicists at the FermiLab particle accelerator in Chicago and at the Large Hadron Collider in Geneva both reported that around noon EST, ultra-sensitive equipment deep within the earth had begun detecting new and exotic subatomic particles.

“The standard model of particle physics predicts the existence of ‘strange quarks,’ said FermiLab researcher Hans Delbrück. “But these quarks were stranger than we’ve dared to imagine. We’ve had a remarkable day here. One of the guys thinks we may have captured the elusive Higgs Boson. But were still compiling all the data.”

Whether there is linkage between the flurry of exotic particles and the excitability of Matthews’ lower limb has yet to be established. However, crew members on the set with Matthews and Olbermann have reported witnessing strange phenomenon around the anchor desk including strange orbs of colored light, disorientation and nausea in those standing close by, and brief episodes of time travel for those who look directly at the leg at the apex of a tingly phase.

Civil defense personnel and other first responders are standing by in the event of another episode during tonight’s inaugural festivities. Officials are urging citizens to remain calm, but watchful–and to stay away from plate glass windows for the time being.

The Leg Thrilled That Obama Finally Makes the Cover of Time

Chris Matthews’ Leg has been sorely vexed by the major news magazines’ shameful refusal to put Barack Obama’s noble visage on their covers. This scandalous neglect was highlighted in an article on MSNBC today:

Time has featured Obama on its cover 14 times since Jan. 1. Newsweek was close behind, featuring the now-president-elect on 12 of its issues. Time has had 52 issues in 2008, so Obama has been featured on more than one-in-four of its covers, or about 27% of the time.

That number, though, goes even higher if you include how many times Obama has appeared in the “skybox” — 11 times.  That means Obama’s face or name has somehow made it onto the cover of Time just about half of the time this year (25 out of 52 issues — 48%)

Newsweek has had 49 issues this year so far (through Dec. 22), so Obama has been featured on about a quarter of its covers as well.

Thus it restored the sensitive limb’s tingly faith in cosmic justice to see the President-Elect’s reassuring image on Time’s “Person of the Year” issue today. But the sprinkles on this hope-filled cupcake were the newly discovered college pics of the future President sporting a panama hat, a cigarette, and a little something we used to call moxie . . .

“I’m feeling more hopeful by the minute,” The Leg said to no one in particular.

Memo: From The Office of the Leg of the Guy Who Totally Considers It His Job to Make The President-Elect a Success

From The Office of the Leg of the Guy Who Totally Considers

It His Journalistic Duty to Make The President-Elect a Success

Memo:

Re: Lost My Number?

First let me say, Mr. President-Elect . . . Love, love, love the new web site. Seeing that dot-gov behind the word “change” makes me tingle like a wet squirrel on a high-tension power line.

Now, I’m not fishing for a “thank you” or anything, but I was just wondering when I might be getting a call from you; or one of the top members of your transition team–maybe Rahm or Joe. I’ve made sure Chris’s Head has kept the phone close at all times. (He’s been putting it in a ziplock when he showers.)

I certainly understand how busy you guys must be. Just sorting through the mountain of bogus and dicey online credit card donations alone must be a major undertaking. (Disabling all fraud-prevention measures was genius, IMHO. And egalitarian! Kudos!)

By the way, if you come across donations from “Miss Inga Tooth,” “Joaquin Closet,” “Ariel Payne Diaz,” “Diana Boredom,” “Mahatma Coat,” “Constance Ubervision,” and “Pikup Andropov”–all charged to the same credit card number–well . . . you’re welcome.

I’m not looking for a high-profile, paid position, necessarily. I’m thinking I could be one of your secret, stealth advisers. You know, one of those controversial guys that you denounce publicly (wink, wink, nudge, nudge) but still talk to on your mobile.

Then it occurred to me that you may have lost my number. My mobile is 555-THRILL-ME.  I’ll be looking forward to your call!  Anytime is good. Really.

Warm Tingly Regards,

Chris Matthews’ Leg

Chris Matthews Appoints Self to Obama Team. Flustered Obama Team Responds, “Uhhh, No, We’re Good. Really. But Thanks.”

On this morning’s edition of MSNBC’s “Morning Joe” program, Chris Matthews told Joe Scarborough, “I want to do everything I can . . . to make this presidency work. My job . . . is to make this work successfully.” A clearly stunned Scarborough tried to remind Matthews that here in America, we sort of have a tradition of a free and independent press that some people are fond of.

Behold:

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Yes, after spending eight years bloviating about how he and his courageous colleagues in the fourth estate were the people’s vangard against government lies and over-reaching, Chris Matthews has suddenly decided that his “job” is to help the president succeed.

Especially precious was Matthews’ somber lecture at the first of the clip about how serious journalists like him never speculate about people’s motives. That’s right. Motive-speculating has always been beneath Chris on Hardball–unless, of course, the person under discussion was Hillary Clinton, Bill Clinton, any Republican, any conservative or a person with a pulse. Then it was pretty all motive-speculating all the time.

Nevertheless, Chris and the Leg are totally stoked to be members of the Obama team. Self-appointed, unofficial, informal, ad hoc, virtual members, to be sure. But still members.

“We’re totally a part of the President-elect’s inner circle,” The Leg boasted. “We’re just the very far outer edges of the inner circle. And the circle is pretty big. Huge, actually.”