The Pluperfect Storm

It wasn’t pretty.

Yesterday Chris Matthews’ Leg was chatting with the dry, shriveled husk of Keith Olbermann’s sense of proportionality and watching the live feed of the President’s Townhall. That voice was working its electric magic on the senstive appendage once more.

Suddenly some intern came running through the room waving a news release from the Rasmussen polling people. The Leg wasn’t sure but it appeared the girl had been crying.

“What’s that about?” The Leg asked a passing card-carrying-union-member-in-good standing teleprompter operator.

She explained that the release contained survey data revealing that more people say their views are more closely aligned with those of Sarah Palin than with those of “The One” (may higher approval ratings be upon him.)

“Was it close?” the dry, shriveled husk of Olbermann’s sense of proportionality asked hopefully. The intern just burst into tears and ran from the room, which, come to think of it, happens with Keith a lot.

The news quickly sent a chill through the overwhelmingly white staff at MSNBC and Matthews’ overwhelmingly white Leg turned a whiter shade of pale. Olbermann stormed off in search of a staff member to browbeat.

From somewhere deep in the bowels of 30 Rock, Leslie Stahl let out a long, mournful primal scream. The smell of scotch and frying bratwurst started wafting from Ed Schulz office.

Suddenly, The Leg’s attention was drawn back to the live feed of the President’s Townhall. A nice-looking African-American woman was speaking. “This is more like it,” The Leg thought. “Now we’re going to hear someone make some sense.” The Leg turned up the volume and heard:

“I’m one of your middle class Americans. And quite frankly, I’m exhausted. Exhausted of defending you, defending your administration, defending the mantle of change that I voted for.”

At that moment a huge muscle cramp seized the calf of The Leg and it didn’t hear the rest. Just something about “hot dogs and beans” and the “new reality.”

“Let the doubters doubt,” The Leg muttered. “I’m keeping hope alive.”

Indeed, Chris Matthews’ Leg is clinging to its belief that Obama is a great president harder than a defeated Alaska Senator clings to power and privilege.

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Matthews’ Leg Agrees with President, Oil Spill Just Like 9/11, Both Involved Fire and Stuff

The Leg felt that old familiar thrill once more yesterday when President Obama passed up a perfectly good tee time in order to visit a beach in Mississippi and sample a bold and innovative variety of local culinary offerings.

In between the Shrimp Po’ Boy course and the Lemon Sno Cone that was forced to stand in as a sorbet palate cleanser, the President suggested that this crisis was his “9/11.”

The Leg totally agreed and added: “The parallels are obvious.”

Indeed, the Deepwater Horizon spill is the result of a too-cozy relationship between federal inspectors and the drilling companies they were supposed to be inspecting. Likewise, 9/11 resulted from a too-cozy relationship between Islamic jihadis and their all-consuming zeal for killing Jews, Christians and Westerners in general.

“The similarities are uncanny,” The Leg enthused. “It’s kinda like Lincoln had a secretary named Kennedy and Kennedy had a secretary, too.”

Later, the President, standing atop a pile of shrimp nets with the bullhorn, addressed a half-dozen noisy pelicans standing on the posts of a nearby pier. “Yes, I do hear you,” the President shouted into the bullhorn. “And soon those arrogant British imperialists who oppressed and exploited Kenya for decades will hear you too!” The pelicans expressed their obvious approval and appreciation for the President by fighting over the remains of the President’s crab cake.

“I swear to you on the square grooves of my favorite lob wedge,” The President vowed, appearing to choke up a little.”I will not rest until the ineffective and corrupt federal bureaucrats who failed to enforce the safety regulations that would have prevented this catastrophe have many additional complex regulations to not enforce.”

Elsewhere, catching the presidential spirit of Brit-bashing and narcissistic preening, the Nu-metal band Korn announced that its buses would be boycotting BP fuel on its tour this summer. (h/t DailyGut.com) Korn’s publicist also took the opportunity to announce the new sponsor for the band’s summer tour, The Ethanol Lobby. “Isn’t it perfect?” Korn’s manager beamed. “It’s the most beautiful tie-in between artist and sponsor I’ve seen since Ke$ha picked up both Jack Daniels and Clear Blue Easy for her Tik Tok tour.”

Leg Cancels Waxing Appt. to Protest IOC Decision

Chris Matthews’ Leg pretty much went through all five stages of grief (and sort of free-styled a sixth) after hearing the stunning news that the International Olympic Committee had chosen Rio as the site for the 2016 Olympics–thus snubbing Chicago, the cocoon from which President Obama (higher approval ratings be upon Him) emerged like a glorious butterfly just a few short years ago.

“How is this possible?” The Leg sputtered. “The members of the committee experienced the the full soul-healing and psyche-massaging sounds of His voice. In person!”

Still stinging at the injustice of it all, The Leg called and canceled his monthly leg-hair removal session at Brazilian Bob’s Day Spa and Depilatory Hut.

Insure Us Obami Wan! You’re Our Only Hope!

Chris Matthews’ Leg did it’s doughy best to keep a Twitter feed going during the President’s wise and soul-healing address tonight. But Tweety Tweets are tough to produce when you’re vibrating at about 2,000 cycles per second and singing “Oh, sweet mystery of life, at last I’ve found you!”

The only legs more excited than Matthews’ sensitive appendage tonight appeared to belong to Nancy Pelosi who repeatedly demonstrated a vertical leap that should enable her to dunk at will over Dikembe Mutombo.

The Leg loved the way Dear Leader showed he was a young man of fresh ideas by reminding us that politicians have been trying to put those uppity doctors in their place since Teddy Roosevelt. He also thought that having a smirking and grinning Nancy Pelosi seemingly perched on the President’s shoulder in a red dress throughout the address was surely a visually compelling way to reassure all the wavering rubes in flyover country and get them on board with the brilliant plan that’s going to make everything better in every way but not cost anyone any more money.

Sitting on the other shoulder was Joe Biden, who seemed to perk up and lean in when the Shining One said he wanted to address some remarks to senior citizens.

The highlight for the Leg is when the President pointed us all to the Social Security program as a shining example of how the government can run an entitlement program without it becoming a ticking time bomb of exploding deficits and impending national insolvency. (Brilliant!)

Now, surely, the American people will chill out and let those clever folks in Congress do what they do best.

Leg Lauds Obama Plan to Pretend to be “President of the World”

obama-sun

When the Financial Times reported yesterday that Barack Obama will become the first American president to physically chair the 15-member United Nations National Security Council, Chris Matthews’ Leg felt that familiar surge of bioelectric neural excitement.

“It’ll totally be like he’s all, ‘Hey, I’m in charge of the whole world’ for a couple of days, and the world will be all ‘woohoo! we’re on the Hope and Change Express!” The Leg enthused.

Past U.S. presidents have all delegated the job of chairing the Security Council to experienced ambassadors who, (A) have the diplomatic skills and experience to navigate the labyrinthine complexity of the U.N. bureaucracy, and (B) don’t mind wading around in the putrid, corruption-riddled, hypocritical, America-loathing, cluster-farg that is the United Nations.

But not this president. No sir. The Leg recalls that when candidate Obama spoke at the Brandenburg gate in Berlin, heĀ  introduced himself as a “citizen of the world” How could he possibly turn down the opportunity to spend a few days pretending to be the king of it?

Chris Matthews’ Head Declares Obama “Last Kennedy Brother”

In a stunning revelation that is likely to increase pressure on the state of Hawaii to release the full version of the President’s birth certificate, Chris Matthews told the Today show’s Ann Curry that President Barack Obama was “the last Kennedy brother.”

Chris-Today

Though it wasn’t picked up by NBC microphones, The Leg quickly added, “And in my heart, he’s the fifth Beatle; the eighth wonder of the world; and the fourth member of the Godhead.”

Legs Need Healthcare, Too

Leg Splint

The Leg thinks it’s awesome that the President, between Rose Garden cigarette breaks, has come up with a plan to fix the nation’s heatlh care system.

“I’m uber stoked.” the self-aware appendage recently told the make up lady at MSNBC studios. “I’m looking forwward to enjoying the same efficiency and excellence in my doctor’s visits as I experience when interacting with the IRS or the Social Security Administration.”

“Let’s face it,” The Leg gushed. “Nothing fosters streamlined, hassle-free excellence like government oversight and colossal paperwork burdens. Just ask a car dealer.”