Good Night and Good Luck in Your New Real Estate Career

It is the end of an error. MSNBC has shown the door to both Keith Olbermann and the dry shriveled husk of his sense of shame.

The Leg is going to miss the preening, pretentious, pompous fire hose of self-righteousness and bluster. And Chris Matthew’s Head liked having him around if only because he tended to make Matthew’s look like a model of proportionality and reason by comparison.

But when even Jon Stewart is finding you embarrassing to the liberal cause, it’s probably time for America’s most liberal news network to serve up a heaping helping of canned Olby.

The Leg has seen this coming for some time. Olbermann had not been the same since George W. Bush’s departure from the White House. (See: “Olbermann in Post-Bush Crisis. Must Find New Focus for 17 Million Gigawatts of Incandescent Hate or Risk Spontaneous Human Combustion.”

It was a little sad when, just moments ago, Chris Matthews’ Leg stopped by Olbermann’s desk and found only a scrap of paper containing an old “To Do” list:

To Do

__ Browbeat the interns.

__ Call the Dale Carnegie people. Demand refund.

__ Check Daily Kos threads to find out what the kids want to hear tonight.

__ Repeatedly stab photo of Bill O’Reilly muttering oaths and curses.

__ Taunt CM, RM about my salary increase.

__ Renew “Verbal Advantage” subscription.

__ Send vocabulary out to be waxed.

__ Hit GoDaddy. Register InsufferableTwit.com and PompousGeek.tv

__ Hit Netflix. Put “Reds” at the top of the queue. Again.

Sadly, those days are over. And The Leg is feeling a little blue.

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Fear and Loathing and Hypnotism at MSNBC

Interns spent all day Wednesday and most of Thursday in the studios of MSNBC with brooms and dustpans, sweeping up tiny remnants of the news network’s shattered journalistic credibility.

Yes it’s been in tatters for some time, but at some point during MSNBC’s jeering, sophomoric coverage of the election returns the ghost of Edward R. Murrow manifested in the studio and began to weep–softly at first, but ever more violently until, during a commercial break, a mournful shriek was heard and the last sad bits of MSNBC’s legitimacy exploded into thousands of little shards.

Listen carefully in the background of this clip of Chris Matthews interviewing Michelle Bachman and you can hear Murrow’s sobs, as well as the sound of Keith Olbermann giggling like a guy who has dared his friend to make a prank phone call and his friend, is like, totally doing it. He’s totally gonna ask a member of Congress if her refrigerator is running and whether she has Prince Albert in a can:

It has not yet been determined what the network will use in place of its journalistic credibility going forward.

GE has put a suggestion box by the water cooler and so far there are three votes for “fierce ennui,” two votes for “irony” (although someone pointed out that Jon Stewart owns that), and one vote for “off-putting neediness.”

Over to you Bernie:

Chris Matthews’ Leg Aches for Shot on Dancing With the Stars

Chris Matthews’ Leg doesn’t think it could ever get Chris Matthews’ Head to agree to it–not after the Ellen DeGeneres dancing debacle of 2008 (known around MSNBC studios as Spazgate, or occasionally, Grope-aquiddick, and in military circles, the embarrassing “Bay of Legs” fiasco).

Nevertheless, The Leg is itching to replace The Situation and do some more rug cutting on national TV. And this time, without that clumsy Ellen holding it back and leg-cramping its style.

The Pluperfect Storm

It wasn’t pretty.

Yesterday Chris Matthews’ Leg was chatting with the dry, shriveled husk of Keith Olbermann’s sense of proportionality and watching the live feed of the President’s Townhall. That voice was working its electric magic on the senstive appendage once more.

Suddenly some intern came running through the room waving a news release from the Rasmussen polling people. The Leg wasn’t sure but it appeared the girl had been crying.

“What’s that about?” The Leg asked a passing card-carrying-union-member-in-good standing teleprompter operator.

She explained that the release contained survey data revealing that more people say their views are more closely aligned with those of Sarah Palin than with those of “The One” (may higher approval ratings be upon him.)

“Was it close?” the dry, shriveled husk of Olbermann’s sense of proportionality asked hopefully. The intern just burst into tears and ran from the room, which, come to think of it, happens with Keith a lot.

The news quickly sent a chill through the overwhelmingly white staff at MSNBC and Matthews’ overwhelmingly white Leg turned a whiter shade of pale. Olbermann stormed off in search of a staff member to browbeat.

From somewhere deep in the bowels of 30 Rock, Leslie Stahl let out a long, mournful primal scream. The smell of scotch and frying bratwurst started wafting from Ed Schulz office.

Suddenly, The Leg’s attention was drawn back to the live feed of the President’s Townhall. A nice-looking African-American woman was speaking. “This is more like it,” The Leg thought. “Now we’re going to hear someone make some sense.” The Leg turned up the volume and heard:

“I’m one of your middle class Americans. And quite frankly, I’m exhausted. Exhausted of defending you, defending your administration, defending the mantle of change that I voted for.”

At that moment a huge muscle cramp seized the calf of The Leg and it didn’t hear the rest. Just something about “hot dogs and beans” and the “new reality.”

“Let the doubters doubt,” The Leg muttered. “I’m keeping hope alive.”

Indeed, Chris Matthews’ Leg is clinging to its belief that Obama is a great president harder than a defeated Alaska Senator clings to power and privilege.

Breaking News: Schultz Demands MSNBC Hire Joaquin Phoenix

In a desperate attempt to shore up his tattered image, Ed Schultz has demanded that MSNBC hire Joaquin Phoenix and make him his lead-in. So says, Chris Matthews’ Leg who overheard Schultz yelling at speakerphone yesterday.

Reading last weeks Leg Post was an eye-opener for Schultz.

“I’m done being ‘Shemp’ to Olbermann’s ‘Larry’ and Matthews’ ‘Moe,'” The Leg heard Schultz shout toward the phone. “I’m a Curly, dammit. Get Joaquin!”

The Leg Beginning to Suspect Schultz Was Hired Solely to Make Chris and Olby Look Less Unhinged

The Leg finally thinks it has solved the mystery. The addition of Ed Schultz to the MSNBC evening line up has always been a bit of a puzzle to Chris Matthews’ Leg.

After all there’s an Ed Schultz in pretty much every union bar in America. He’s the loud mouth on the end stool with an opinion about everything that flashes across the television screen. He’s the guy who, if you have the misfortune of drawing the stool next to him, starts telling you how the “suits down and the factory” don’t have a clue about how to run a company, and pretty soon you’re pretending to get a call on your mobile and mouthing “I’ve got to take this,” and backing away as quickly as possible.

He’s that guy. When you see him on your television you expect him to be standing in front a big stack of mattresses wearing a giant Nerf cowboy hat shouting, “Nobody beats our prices! Come on down!”

According to the Wikipedia entry on Schultz (which appears to have been written by his publicist or his mother) his primary claim to fame prior to being picked to be the lead midget car in the Shriner’s parade that is MSNBC’s evening fare, was being a big honking deal on the radio in Fargo. The entry tells us:

Schultz’s News and Views radio show was very similar to his WDAY Viewpoint program and quickly grew into a regional broadcast dominating the North Dakota airwaves, with additional listeners in South Dakota, western Minnesota, Montana, Manitoba, and Saskatchewan.

(Emphasis added.)

Perhaps mere domination of the North Dakota airwaves might not have been justification enough to add Schultz to the sinking ratings ship called MSNBC. It was probably that part about additional listeners in Western Minnesota and Saskatchewan that sealed the deal.

“Who are we kidding?” The Leg intejects. “Shultz presence on our television sets makes no sense.  At any level. The only possible rationale is that he makes the other guys on the channel look rational and thoughtful by comparison.”

That, of course, is no small feat given Matthews’ recent feverish fear-mongering about the Tea Party grandmothers being a bunch para-military neo-nazi’s and Olbermann’s spittle-flecked, nostril-flaring obsessions with Bill O’Reilly and Rush Limbaugh.

It’s a daunting task. But, given headlines like this one in the New York Post, it seems Schultz is up to it:

MSNBC’s Ed Schultz Goes Bonkers

But at least The Leg’s universe makes sense once more.

Rare Sighting Today – Obama Answering Reporter Questions. The Leg “Totally Jazzed.”

It was Chris Matthews’ Leg’s favorite holiday today. It was “President Agrees to Take a Couple of Questions Day.”

It’s kind of like Groundhog Day. Once a year President Obama comes out from behind a teleprompter and, if he hears a reporter’s question, answers it (sort of). This is thought to indicate there will be six more weeks of honeymoon with the press–at least at MSNBC.

“It was tops and taps,” The Leg enthused afterward. “This president is so accessible. I can access him on my television almost any time, day or night. He’s everywhere.”

The Leg looks forward to the President’s next freewheeling, no-holds-barred encounter with the Fourth Estate, sometime in the Spring of 2011. It’ll be here before we know it.

Sweet Mother of Cheese, Even Jon Stewart is Finding Olbermann Embarassing.

The Leg used to think it was kind of cute . . .they way K-Olb would get all red-faced, twitchy, and big-wordy when in high dudgeon against Republican sins against liberal sensibliities . . . sins like deposing tyrants and trying to catch terrorists.

If nothing else, the spectacle of Uber-Olber’s all-consuming, reason-draining obsession with Bill O’Reilly and Fox News tended to provide some entertainment value.

But lately his indignant-dillweed-with-a-thesaurus schtick has started to wear thin . . . even with natural allies like The Leg. And apparently with Jon Stewart:

Stewart Spanks Olbermann

Now The Leg is pondering a question: Will being publicly pantsed by America’s Mocker-in-Chief move Olbermann to ratchet down the hate? The Leg is doubtful.

CM’s Leg Declares Limbaugh Quotes: “Fake But Satisfying”

While receiving a deep tissue massage at NBC’s “30 Rock Day Spa and Zen Retreat,” Chris Matthews’ Leg was overheard sleepily musing about Rush Limbaugh’s touchiness about being libeled and slandered.

As the masseuse applied an invigorating lavender-sage exfoliant, The Leg recalled with admiration the Dan Rather/Mary Mapes defense of their fabricating damaging stuff about President George W. Bush . . . “Fake but accurate,” they’d declared.

“Sure these quotes were purely the product of a fevered, conservative-loathing, wikipedia grafitti artist,” The Leg opined. “But that’s irrelevant. The quotes were perfectly consistent with the caricature of Rush we have all worked so hard to create over the last 20 years. Therefore, they were ‘authentic’ in the best, postmodern sense of the word.”

“So, the quotes fit the preferred narrative?” the masseuse piped up, hoping for a tip (for a change.)

“Exactly!” The Leg spasmed. “For all the people that matter, the quotes were fake but satisfying.”

“Fake but delicious,” the masseuse offered as he applied a moisturizing emollient, but the The Leg didn’t respond. It had drifted off to sleep.

{Quote of the day: “People to not believe lies because they have to, but because they want to.”–Malcolm Muggeridge}

Leg Cancels Waxing Appt. to Protest IOC Decision

Chris Matthews’ Leg pretty much went through all five stages of grief (and sort of free-styled a sixth) after hearing the stunning news that the International Olympic Committee had chosen Rio as the site for the 2016 Olympics–thus snubbing Chicago, the cocoon from which President Obama (higher approval ratings be upon Him) emerged like a glorious butterfly just a few short years ago.

“How is this possible?” The Leg sputtered. “The members of the committee experienced the the full soul-healing and psyche-massaging sounds of His voice. In person!”

Still stinging at the injustice of it all, The Leg called and canceled his monthly leg-hair removal session at Brazilian Bob’s Day Spa and Depilatory Hut.

Legs Need Healthcare, Too

The Leg thinks it’s awesome that the President, between Rose Garden cigarette breaks, has come up with a plan to fix the nation’s heatlh care system.

“I’m uber stoked.” the self-aware appendage recently told the make up lady at MSNBC studios. “I’m looking forwward to enjoying the same efficiency and excellence in my doctor’s visits as I experience when interacting with the IRS or the Social Security Administration.”

“Let’s face it,” The Leg gushed. “Nothing fosters streamlined, hassle-free excellence like government oversight and colossal paperwork burdens. Just ask a car dealer.”

“Wise Doughy Leg” Endorses Sotomayor

Recently, Chris Matthews’ sensitive, self-aware limb pronounced that “a wise, doughy leg with rich tingly experiences will always reach better conclusions than will a more tanned, muscular leg that hasn’t felt those thrills.”

This is why The Leg gave its most vigorous endorsement to Sonia Sotomayor for SCOTUS today. “I think the President (high approval ratings be upon him) made a brilliant choice,” The Leg enthused. “Empathy rules! We need justices who won’t allow themselves to be constricted by trivialities like the actual words of the Constitution or the intent of elected lawmakers. We need judges who will make rulings based on whom they feel sorriest for.”

Tweety’s Leg Twitters

Follow the everyday tingles, thrills, and chills of “The Leg” over at the Chris Matthews’ Leg Twitter feed.

Tweety’s Leg Twitters!

The Oracle says:

Since the Paul Harvey book project, things have been too quiet around here. Sorry about that. The book is off to the publisher now. And to make up for the neglect, The Oracle has launched a Twitter feed for The Leg.

You’ll find it here.

What could be more appropriate that regular tweeting by Tweety’s Leg? Go follow the tingle!

The Leg Applauds Dem Strategy to Fiddle Sad Songs About Rush Limbaugh While Economy Burns

When you don’t know what to do, change the subject. Find a scapegoat. Demonize somebody.

That’s been a tried and true tactic for despots and demagogues through the ages and Chris Matthews’ Leg is thrilled to see that Chris, Keith and Rachel got the talking points memo from Rahm Emanuel about diverting attention from the devastating effects of the Pelosi-Reid-Obama TARPorkalypse.

The unexpected bonus for The Leg was seeing RNC chairman Micheal Steele stumble into the trap–inexplicably allowing Rush to be the topic instead of turning the tables and pointing to the staggering hypocrisy of liberals crying about a politically biased voice in the media.

Keith and Chris got some rich guffaws out of that one.