Breaking News: Schultz Demands MSNBC Hire Joaquin Phoenix

In a desperate attempt to shore up his tattered image, Ed Schultz has demanded that MSNBC hire Joaquin Phoenix and make him his lead-in. So says, Chris Matthews’ Leg who overheard Schultz yelling at speakerphone yesterday.

Reading last weeks Leg Post was an eye-opener for Schultz.

“I’m done being ‘Shemp’ to Olbermann’s ‘Larry’ and Matthews’ ‘Moe,'” The Leg heard Schultz shout toward the phone. “I’m a Curly, dammit. Get Joaquin!”

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The Leg Beginning to Suspect Schultz Was Hired Solely to Make Chris and Olby Look Less Unhinged

The Leg finally thinks it has solved the mystery. The addition of Ed Schultz to the MSNBC evening line up has always been a bit of a puzzle to Chris Matthews’ Leg.

After all there’s an Ed Schultz in pretty much every union bar in America. He’s the loud mouth on the end stool with an opinion about everything that flashes across the television screen. He’s the guy who, if you have the misfortune of drawing the stool next to him, starts telling you how the “suits down and the factory” don’t have a clue about how to run a company, and pretty soon you’re pretending to get a call on your mobile and mouthing “I’ve got to take this,” and backing away as quickly as possible.

He’s that guy. When you see him on your television you expect him to be standing in front a big stack of mattresses wearing a giant Nerf cowboy hat shouting, “Nobody beats our prices! Come on down!”

According to the Wikipedia entry on Schultz (which appears to have been written by his publicist or his mother) his primary claim to fame prior to being picked to be the lead midget car in the Shriner’s parade that is MSNBC’s evening fare, was being a big honking deal on the radio in Fargo. The entry tells us:

Schultz’s News and Views radio show was very similar to his WDAY Viewpoint program and quickly grew into a regional broadcast dominating the North Dakota airwaves, with additional listeners in South Dakota, western Minnesota, Montana, Manitoba, and Saskatchewan.

(Emphasis added.)

Perhaps mere domination of the North Dakota airwaves might not have been justification enough to add Schultz to the sinking ratings ship called MSNBC. It was probably that part about additional listeners in Western Minnesota and Saskatchewan that sealed the deal.

“Who are we kidding?” The Leg intejects. “Shultz presence on our television sets makes no sense.  At any level. The only possible rationale is that he makes the other guys on the channel look rational and thoughtful by comparison.”

That, of course, is no small feat given Matthews’ recent feverish fear-mongering about the Tea Party grandmothers being a bunch para-military neo-nazi’s and Olbermann’s spittle-flecked, nostril-flaring obsessions with Bill O’Reilly and Rush Limbaugh.

It’s a daunting task. But, given headlines like this one in the New York Post, it seems Schultz is up to it:

MSNBC’s Ed Schultz Goes Bonkers

But at least The Leg’s universe makes sense once more.