Dozens of Shootings in Chicago Over the Weekend. Chris Matthews Suspects Link to Tea Party, Conservatives

As news reports revealed that at least 40 people were shot in Chicago this last weekend, Chris Matthews couldn’t help but see it as a clear validation of his recently unveiled Grand Unified Theory of Conservative Scariness.

Chris and his Excitable Limb didn’t realize that Chicago’s West and South sides had become hot beds of Tea Party activity but, given all the shooting and bloodshed there, they quickly surmised that these areas must have been caught up in the maddening fever for limited government and fiscal responsibility that has swept up so many  grandmothers and soccer moms across the nation.

“I’ll bet there are ‘Don’t Tread on Me’ flags flying all over the Englewood and Calumet Heights neighborhoods.” The Leg opined.

The Leg senses that Chris is on to something with his new Grand Unified Theory of Conservative Scariness. Sure only a handful of left-wing zealots still bother to watch MSNBC anymore. But for those guys, Matthews’ new hobby horse is like a hot-oil foot massage with Olbermann’s Countdown program serving as the “happy ending.”

“I vow that Chris Matthews’ Head and I will remain vigilant and bold in our quest to keep America safe for runaway government growth, soaring deficits, and nanny-like control  over every aspect of human activity by incompetent, corrupt bureaucrats,” the Leg declared with leg hairs standing on end.

Advertisement

Matthews’ Leg Agrees with President, Oil Spill Just Like 9/11, Both Involved Fire and Stuff

The Leg felt that old familiar thrill once more yesterday when President Obama passed up a perfectly good tee time in order to visit a beach in Mississippi and sample a bold and innovative variety of local culinary offerings.

In between the Shrimp Po’ Boy course and the Lemon Sno Cone that was forced to stand in as a sorbet palate cleanser, the President suggested that this crisis was his “9/11.”

The Leg totally agreed and added: “The parallels are obvious.”

Indeed, the Deepwater Horizon spill is the result of a too-cozy relationship between federal inspectors and the drilling companies they were supposed to be inspecting. Likewise, 9/11 resulted from a too-cozy relationship between Islamic jihadis and their all-consuming zeal for killing Jews, Christians and Westerners in general.

“The similarities are uncanny,” The Leg enthused. “It’s kinda like Lincoln had a secretary named Kennedy and Kennedy had a secretary, too.”

Later, the President, standing atop a pile of shrimp nets with the bullhorn, addressed a half-dozen noisy pelicans standing on the posts of a nearby pier. “Yes, I do hear you,” the President shouted into the bullhorn. “And soon those arrogant British imperialists who oppressed and exploited Kenya for decades will hear you too!” The pelicans expressed their obvious approval and appreciation for the President by fighting over the remains of the President’s crab cake.

“I swear to you on the square grooves of my favorite lob wedge,” The President vowed, appearing to choke up a little.”I will not rest until the ineffective and corrupt federal bureaucrats who failed to enforce the safety regulations that would have prevented this catastrophe have many additional complex regulations to not enforce.”

Elsewhere, catching the presidential spirit of Brit-bashing and narcissistic preening, the Nu-metal band Korn announced that its buses would be boycotting BP fuel on its tour this summer. (h/t DailyGut.com) Korn’s publicist also took the opportunity to announce the new sponsor for the band’s summer tour, The Ethanol Lobby. “Isn’t it perfect?” Korn’s manager beamed. “It’s the most beautiful tie-in between artist and sponsor I’ve seen since Ke$ha picked up both Jack Daniels and Clear Blue Easy for her Tik Tok tour.”