Chris Matthews’ Leg has been sorely vexed by the major news magazines’ shameful refusal to put Barack Obama’s noble visage on their covers. This scandalous neglect was highlighted in an article on MSNBC today:
Time has featured Obama on its cover 14 times since Jan. 1. Newsweek was close behind, featuring the now-president-elect on 12 of its issues. Time has had 52 issues in 2008, so Obama has been featured on more than one-in-four of its covers, or about 27% of the time.
That number, though, goes even higher if you include how many times Obama has appeared in the “skybox” — 11 times. That means Obama’s face or name has somehow made it onto the cover of Time just about half of the time this year (25 out of 52 issues — 48%)
Newsweek has had 49 issues this year so far (through Dec. 22), so Obama has been featured on about a quarter of its covers as well.
Thus it restored the sensitive limb’s tingly faith in cosmic justice to see the President-Elect’s reassuring image on Time’s “Person of the Year” issue today. But the sprinkles on this hope-filled cupcake were the newly discovered college pics of the future President sporting a panama hat, a cigarette, and a little something we used to call moxie . . .
“I’m feeling more hopeful by the minute,” The Leg said to no one in particular.
The sensitive appendage doesn’t recall what put the idea in it’s mind but it was suddenly siezed with an irrestistable urge to kick off a J&M tassel loafer and send it flying toward the back of Keith Olbermann’s head today as he walked through the MSNBC commisary.
The cordovan leather missile grazed the Countdown host’s left ear, caught David Schuster square in the forehead and dropped into Rachel Maddow’s bowl of organic quinoa.
Tom Brokaw saw the whole thing and remarked, “In the words of Austin Powers, ‘Who throws a shoe?’“
Found by a cleaning lady at MSNBC studios . . . a piece of executive-sized stationery with the initials K.O.
__ Browbeat the interns.
__ Call the Dale Carnegie people. Demand refund.
__ Check Daily Kos threads to find out what the kids want to hear tonight.
__ Repeatedly stab photo of Bill O’Reilly muttering oaths and curses.
__ Taunt CM, RM about my salary increase.
__ Renew “Verbal Advantage” subscription.
__ Send vocabulary out to be waxed.
__ Hit GoDaddy. Register InsufferableTwit.com and PompousGeek.tv
__ Hit Netflix. Put “Reds” at the top of the queue. Again.
“What the heck!” the excitable appendage was heard to yell from a makeup chair at MSNBC studios this afternoon. The head had just been briefed about the arrest of Illinois Democratic governor Blagojovich for, among other things, attempting to auction off President Elect Barack Obama’s vacant Senate seat to the highest bidder.
“There are guys who will sell you a Senate seat? Why, in the name of Boss Tweed, are we putting an organization together in Pennsylvania?!” The Leg growled.
The makeup artist tactfully weighed in: “I think that’s just a Chicago thing, Mr. Matthews’ Leg.”
“And Louisiana!” an intern from Baton Rouge chimed in. “Or it used to be back when the state was run by Democrats. My Dad says that back in the day a guy could become Lt. Governor of the Sportsman’s Paradise for $250 and a case of Coors.”
The Leg wasn’t around to hear that last part. It had already run off to see what the going rate was on Senate seats in the Keystone state.
Chris Matthews’ Leg has a fever. And the only prescription, apparently, is . . . more power and attention.
Thus, Chris Matthews is planning to run for the United States Senate.
If you’re a manic bloviater who considers the sound of his own voice a rare and beautiful gift to all mankind, and deems every thought that pops into his head worthy of robust vocalization, then sitting at a network that gets lower ratings than The Colonoscopy Channel is just wandering in the wilderness.
The promised land is the club for pompous gasbags like Teddy Kennedy and Robert Byrd. You belong in the Senate.
Or so a certain self-aware appendage has been telling the man to whom it’s attached.
Sometimes a leg just has to run. As does the mouth.