Leg Cramps

Here are a few of the news items and events that gave Chris Matthews’ Leg a wicked cramp this week.

  • Hillary Confirmed as Pick for State Dept.–Chris’s “issues” with Sen. Clinton are well known, though poorly understood.  He was sure all his hard work shamelessly shilling for Obama over the last year had finished the Clintons. Taking a brighter view of the appointment was The Oracle of The Leg who looks forward to fresh accounts of our new Secretary of State ducking sniper finer in numerous world capitals, American urban areas, and some of the more harrowing suburban shopping malls.  As long-time readers know, Chris has been there.
  • Gov. Palin and The Silence of the Turkeys–This is what they would make PETA members watch if they were being held at Guantanamo. The YouTube of Sarah Palin giving an interivew with turkey dispatchment as a backdrop was the other source of buzz around the office today. “Clearly, I picked the wrong day to pack a turkey sandwich in the brown bag,” Chris muttered. “Hey Shuster, wanna trade?”
  • Al Qaeda Dares to Dis “He Who Must Succeed”–Osama Bin Laden’s #2 used a racial slur to insult America’s soon-to-be #1. This story was Leg cramp-inducing for two reasons. First of all The Leg loves Barack Obama the way Keith Olbermann loves . . . everything about Keith Olbermann. It’s profoundly hurtful to hear anyone speak ill of the Light Worker-elect. Second, Chris’s brain has a devil of a time keeping the words Osama and Obama from swapping file drawers in his mind’s vocabular storage facility. About twice a month, Chris refers to the worlds most wanted terrorist as “Obama” and the president elect as “Osama.” See here, here and here, for example. Chris has been undergoing expensive hynotherapy to break this infernal curse but now, with both names appearing in the same news item, it will be back to square one.

Memo: From The Office of the Leg of the Guy Who Totally Considers It His Job to Make The President-Elect a Success

From The Office of the Leg of the Guy Who Totally Considers

It His Journalistic Duty to Make The President-Elect a Success


Re: Lost My Number?

First let me say, Mr. President-Elect . . . Love, love, love the new web site. Seeing that dot-gov behind the word “change” makes me tingle like a wet squirrel on a high-tension power line.

Now, I’m not fishing for a “thank you” or anything, but I was just wondering when I might be getting a call from you; or one of the top members of your transition team–maybe Rahm or Joe. I’ve made sure Chris’s Head has kept the phone close at all times. (He’s been putting it in a ziplock when he showers.)

I certainly understand how busy you guys must be. Just sorting through the mountain of bogus and dicey online credit card donations alone must be a major undertaking. (Disabling all fraud-prevention measures was genius, IMHO. And egalitarian! Kudos!)

By the way, if you come across donations from “Miss Inga Tooth,” “Joaquin Closet,” “Ariel Payne Diaz,” “Diana Boredom,” “Mahatma Coat,” “Constance Ubervision,” and “Pikup Andropov”–all charged to the same credit card number–well . . . you’re welcome.

I’m not looking for a high-profile, paid position, necessarily. I’m thinking I could be one of your secret, stealth advisers. You know, one of those controversial guys that you denounce publicly (wink, wink, nudge, nudge) but still talk to on your mobile.

Then it occurred to me that you may have lost my number. My mobile is 555-THRILL-ME.  I’ll be looking forward to your call!  Anytime is good. Really.

Warm Tingly Regards,

Chris Matthews’ Leg

First Ever Tingle Poll of CML Readers

Be heard. Smooth Jazz the Vote!

Chris Matthews Appoints Self to Obama Team. Flustered Obama Team Responds, “Uhhh, No, We’re Good. Really. But Thanks.”

On this morning’s edition of MSNBC’s “Morning Joe” program, Chris Matthews told Joe Scarborough, “I want to do everything I can . . . to make this presidency work. My job . . . is to make this work successfully.” A clearly stunned Scarborough tried to remind Matthews that here in America, we sort of have a tradition of a free and independent press that some people are fond of.


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Yes, after spending eight years bloviating about how he and his courageous colleagues in the fourth estate were the people’s vangard against government lies and over-reaching, Chris Matthews has suddenly decided that his “job” is to help the president succeed.

Especially precious was Matthews’ somber lecture at the first of the clip about how serious journalists like him never speculate about people’s motives. That’s right. Motive-speculating has always been beneath Chris on Hardball–unless, of course, the person under discussion was Hillary Clinton, Bill Clinton, any Republican, any conservative or a person with a pulse. Then it was pretty all motive-speculating all the time.

Nevertheless, Chris and the Leg are totally stoked to be members of the Obama team. Self-appointed, unofficial, informal, ad hoc, virtual members, to be sure. But still members.

“We’re totally a part of the President-elect’s inner circle,” The Leg boasted. “We’re just the very far outer edges of the inner circle. And the circle is pretty big. Huge, actually.”

Chris Matthews’ Leg Vibrates at 250 MHz. Causes Matthews to Slide Randomly Around MSNBC Set Like Electric Football Man.

Barack Obama’s victory speech overstimulated the sensitive neuro-receptors in Chris Matthews’ lower left extremity and caused it to hum like a tuning fork.

The Leg couldn’t help feeling it had played a small role in making this historic night possible.

Yes, Chris, MSNBC and pretty much the entire broadcast news industry traded the last bits of their journalistic credibility in the bacchanal of fawning coverage. Sure, Matthews’ and Olbermann’s Bush-Derangement and over-the-top Obama water-carrying during the election made them a national punchline.

But as the nation’s union bosses, trial lawyers, greivance mongers, Israel haters, and global warming hysterics uncorked the champagne and prepared their legislative agendas–The Leg could be heard to whisper:

“Totally, worth it, man . . . totally worth it.”

Olby Fails to “Get” SNL Skit. The Leg Tries to Explain, Fails.

The dry, shriveled husk of Keith Olbermann’s sense of shame was pretty stoked to learn that Saturday Night Live was planning, in Keith’s words, “a tribute” to the Countdown host, and that the great Ben Affleck was “doing” him. (btw, it never caught on to why The Leg giggled every time Olbermann would boast to someone, “Ben Affleck is going to do me on SNL!”)

However, after Affleck’s dead-on, 8 minute, 42 second spittle-flecked, psychosis-fueled rendition, Olby’s soul-void seemed genuinely perplexed: “What was so funny about that? And why was the audience laughing? They could have just run a clip of my show.”

The Leg wasn’t sure how to break it to Keith that he and Chris are so completely out of control with mindless partisanship that even their friends and allies are starting to be embarrassed by them.

The Oracle of the Leg notes that the humorless, seething comment mobs at The Daily Kos and The Huffington Post weren’t amused either. He suspects they’ve been living in the “progressive” echo chamber for so long that they, like Keith, have lost the capacity for self-awareness. Sort of like the way certain species of shrimp that live in underwater caverns have evolved without eyes, color, or ability to communicate without using bombastic, self-important cliches.