Chris Matthews’ Leg, Head Divided Over McClellan Book

In a rare instance of disunity, the incessantly talking Head and thrill-sensing Leg of Chris Matthews have come down on different sides on the issue of former White House spokeshuman, Scott McClellan.

At issue is: Was Scott McClellan a weaselly, disingenuous shill back when he was working in the White House? Or is he a weaselly, disengenous shill now that he wants to sell books?

The Head has clearly come down in favor of the former theory. Whereas The Leg, like Democrat strategist Terry McAulliff, has a visceral distrust for ungrateful backstabbers and therefore assumes it’s the latter.

Both the Leg and the Head agree, however–it has to be one or the other.

The Oracle is with Bob Dole on this one.

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Obama Team Ponders Shifting Campaign Theme from “Hope” to “Befuddlement”

On the heels of a painfully long series of gaffes, verbal fumbles, “mis-speaks,” and factually-challenged pronouncements, the Obama inner-circle is considering some modifications to the campaign’s themes and branding.

Top level campaign strategists are furiously working to adjust to the fact that Candidate Obama produces more gaffes in a typical week than Dan Quayle did during the entire Bush 41 presidency.

These include claiming to have visited 57 states (with “one more to go!”); shouting “Thank you, Sioux City” in Sioux Falls; placing Kentucky adjacent to Arkansas; and claiming that his parents met at a civil rights event that occured 4 years after his birth.

Thus, the nimble campaign is currently reviewing a number of possible moves, including scrapping the central themes of “Hope: and “Change.” Replacements currently being tested with focus groups include Befuddlement, Bewilderment and Chronic Disorientation.

Also, the slogan “Change you can believe in” could possibly become “Gaffes you may be bemused by.”

Also being tested are:

“I’d like to clarify my previous comments.”
“I can understand why some people were offended or confused by my earlier remarks.”

“I said that wrong.”

And Michelle Obama’s contribution:

“This conversation doesn’t help my children.”

Ever Gracious and Fair Minded, Keith Olbermann Has Change of Heart on Scott McClellan’s Credibility. All Forgiven New BFF.

Sure, Keith Olbermann spent years vilifying Scott McClellan as a pathological liar, an unscrupulous shill, and as the “False Prophet” to George W. Bush’s “Beast of Revelation.” Yes, Olby repeatedly and unfailingly assured us that every McClellan utterance was a guarenteed fabrication.

But word that McClellan’s about-to-be-released memoir contains some cheap knees to the groinal areas of Bush, Cheney, Rove and Rice has triggered a rapid reconsideration in the former sportscaster’s wide stance on the man.

“He’s a walking tower of credibility,” Olbermann gushed today. “Integrity oozes from his pores. Waves of soothing veracity emanate from the virtue-saturated core of his being. He’s my BFF.”

To Olby’s annoyment, MIchelle Malkin is pointing out a little irony-clad hypocrisy in McClellan’s freshly-revealed-for-your-reading-pleasure concerns. But Olby can’t go typically ballistic over it. As a Time Magazine blog post recently pointed out, Hillary’s RFK assassination comment resulted in Olbermann blowing his “Last Remaining Gasket.”

The Leg Assures Absolutely No Offense Will Be Taken If Candidate Obama Calls It “Sweetie”

In several public places frequented by Obama campaign insiders, Chris Matthews’ Leg has been heard casually but loudly mentioning that it wouldn’t be the least bit offended if the Senator happened to address it as “sweetie.”

“He can also call me Sioux Falls, Sioux City, the 57th state, or a Typical White Person’s Leg if he wants,” The Leg is also on record as stating.

“Just call me.”

The Leg “Concerned” About Olbermann; Laments Countdown Host’s Heartbreaking Descent Into Madness

With a mixture of shock and sadness, Chris Matthews’ Leg watched colleague Keith Olbermann’s “Special Comment” Wednesday night as the last remaining threads connecting the former sportscaster to the world of reality snapped like rotted mooring lines.

In a 15-minute snarling, spittle-flecked primal-scream of a rant, Olbermann accused President Bush of personally inventing disease, birth defects, sorrow, death and the way decaying garbage smells solely for his perverse entertainment.

“Hey, I’m no fan of Bush. And I’m fully in the tank for Obama, too. So, I’m sympathetic.” The Leg confided later. “But sweet smoking Judas, that was just embarassing. And sad.”

This, apparently, is what living for the approval of the Daily Kos and HuffPo mobs will do to you. It’s takes ever more incendiary rhetoric and Bush-slander to get the rage-drunk commenters at those sites to post your praises. And when they are pretty much the only people in the world who praise you (or even watch your show), it leads to a powerful cycle of addiction.

Later, a weeping Tom Brokaw was seen in the Countdown studio sweeping up the shards of what had been the tiny remnant of MSNBC’s journalistic credibility.

John Edwards’ Follicles Issue Subliminal Shout Out to Chris Matthews’ Leg

It is a little-known and poorly-understood fact that John Edwards’ hair follicles have evolved to perform essentially the same function for him as the left leg has for Chris Matthews. That is, serve as a ultra-sensitive antenna-receptor for the cosmic good vibrations emanating from the cigarette-smoke-fogged voice box of Barack Obama.

For example, as Obami Wan Kenobi healed all our nation’s racial wounds with his Philadelphia speech a few months ago, Edwards scalp was tingling like. . . well, like his feet used to do whenever an ambulance would go by with it’s siren on.

Thus it’s no surprise that a savvy political observer like Michelle Malkin has been wondering what The Leg makes of speculation that Edwards voted for Obama in the North Carolina primary.

Michelle has pointed to speculation at the New York Times’ political blog that Edwards, while trying to be coy about which democrat he voted for, accidentally spilled the beans to MSNBC’s Mika Brzezinski. Apparently, at one point in the interview, Edwards said, “…I just voted for him on Tuesday. . .”

As it turns out, Chris Matthews’ Leg perceived a subliminal message from Edwards’ hair follicles during the interview. The hair sent a hearty greeting and then confided that the “him” Edwards voted for was not Obama. He had, in fact, voted for himself as a write-in candidate.

“John is a man of principle and had to vote for the very best person available,” the Follicles revealed. “John intends to keep his future political prospects shiny and manageable.”

And that, of course, will probably mean glomming onto and sucking up to the presumptive winner.

Update: Michelle Malkin on “Silky Hearts Obambi.“

Chris Matthews’ Head calls Hillary “The Al Sharpton of white people.” The Leg Calls Chris, “the Jar Jar Binks of real people.”

The Leg cramped up a little the other night when The Head got worked up and referred to Hillary Clinton as “the Al Sharpton of white people.”

This prompted the snappy rejoinder from The Leg about Chris’s favorite Star Wars character during a commercial break; and further devolved into name calling after Chris called The Leg “the Alf Landon of body parts.”

A chair-throwing melee broke out when The Leg accused Keith Olbermann of being “the Keith Olbermann of Keith Olbermanns.”

Poultry-phobic Olbermann Relieved to Learn, “Chickens Coming Home to Roost” is Just a Metaphor.

The day didn’t start out great. First Olber R. Furrow had to endure what he loudly and pompously declared “the worst waffle in the world.” And finding out about that “chickens” saying was a little embarrassing.

But things turned around big time when he finally got around to reading Sunday’s New York Times op-ed page (or as he fondly calls it “checking in with HQ”) and he saw Frank Rich’s attempt to get some heat off of our man Obama by pointing at John McCain’s endorsement by San Antonio pastor John Hagee. Olby thought it made perfect sense.

“It’s the exact same situation, yet McCain gets a pass,” Olby fumed.

What about the fact that McCain’s never actually attended Hagee’s church or even heard one of his sermons, whereas Obama attended Wright’s church for 20 years?

“Hairsplitting,” Olby says.

And the fact that Obama repeatedly claimed Wright as a inspiration and spiritual adviser, while McCain barely even knows Hagee?

“Irrelevant.”

But what about the tens of thousands of dollars the Obama’s have donated to Wright’s church?

“A Red herring.”

“And what’s with all the questions, anyway! Look, Obama’s two decades joined at the hip with Wright are the exact same thing as McCain’s 15-minute brush-by of that Hagee fellow. And anyone who can’t see that is obviously the worst person in the world.”

“And you sir, are worse than Hitler.”

Chris Matthews’ Leg Boldly Predicts “As Guam Goes, So Goes Pitcairn Island.”

Following Barack Obama’s narrow, 7-vote victory over Hillary Rodham Clinton in the Guamian caucuses yesterday, The Leg was feeling. . .if not a full fledged thrill . . . at least a warm glow of satisfaction.

“It was a Gaum-Obama-Rama!” enthused The Leg, unmoved by the reality that Obama and Clinton both came away with two delegates. “A win is a win! This totally offsets getting clobbered in Pennsylvania. And likely future shellackings in Indiana, West Virginia and Kentucky.”

Leg Seeks Rev. Wright’s Analysis of Chris’s Clapping Style, Marching Moves

Chris and The Leg have been re-listening to Rev. Jeremiah Wright’s speech to the NAACP in hopes of harvesting more of the sage philosopher’s pearls of wisdom and cutting-edge socio-scientific insights on topics like marching bands, baby mobiles, and the funny way white people talk and sing.

“It’s an intellectual, inspirational tour-de-force,” enthused The Leg. “Except for the parts Sen. Obama didn’t like,” it quickly added. “Those were terrible.”

Chris was especially impacted by the Reverend’s theme of “Different is not Deficient.” This has been a transformative revelation for Chris. Why, just last night he shared it with a police officer who had pulled him over for weaving across the center line and driving on the sidewalk.

“My driving is different, not deficient!” he declared as the handcuffs were attached. “Guy probably claps on 1 and 3,” he muttered as he slid into the back seat of the cruiser.

The Leg is now looking forward to riding in elevaators and driving on bridges designed by engineers who don’t feel bound by rigid, “European-American” modes of math and physics. “I want to fly in an airplane built by people who have rejected the imperialistic oppression of ‘right’ answers and the slavery of Western science!” The Leg has declared.

“And you know what, some black stand up comics should pick up on that “white folks do x, but black folks do y’ schtick. It’s hilarious. They could learn to mimic a nerdy white guy’s voice and then contrast it with some hard core urban vulgarity. That stuff would kill. Seriously. Someone should do that.”