81-Year-Old Veteran Fends Off Mugger. Code Pink Vows Protests.

Former Army Paratrooper Donald Clouston, a combat veteran of World War II and Korea, was confronted by a knife-wielding teenage thug near his home in the San Francisco Bay area. The 81-year-old declined the opportunity to hand over his wallet and opted to kick the mugger’s sorry hindquarters instead.

Hot Air has the report.

Chris Matthews’ Leg wasn’t sure how it was supposed to react to the incident. Part of it thought the whole thing was cool. It was like, “Whooo Hoo! Go super-old Army dude!” But another part remembered that violence was bad, especially when perpetrated by privileged white males. . .”The fascists. . .” The Leg muttered to Olbermann’s soul-void.

Thus conflicted, The Leg decided to wait to see what The Radiant One had to say about it.

“I’m guessing Obama will bring a hopeful message of reconciliation and bridge-building between elderly pedestrians and knife-brandishing teen muggers,” The Leg mused. “He’ll say something really deep like. . .”

“These two groups–elderly pedestrians and knife-wielding muggers–have been divided for too long in this great nation. For too many years they have been allowed to hide behind walls of cynicism and mistrust. Knife-weilding teens must be encouraged to no longer view the elderly only a source of quick cash for drugs. And America’s octogenenarians must be challenged to break free from their hardened stereotypes about young men who wave knives at them and demand cash. It’s time for the healing to begin.”

Meanwhile, leaders for Code Pink in the Bay Area were planning to divert some of their woman-power–currently deployed in Berkley harrassing Marine recruiters–to Santa Rosa to set up outside the old soldier’s home.

“This is why we can’t allow our children to be tempted into military service,” a Code Pink spokes-shrew declared. “It produces these testosterone-crazed Rambo’s like old Mr. Clouston walking around defending themselves. I bet he didn’t even stop to think about the root causes of why that poor young man felt the need to threaten him with a knife.”

At this writing, the gals were headed to Home Depot for fresh cans of fake “blood” to throw on the old man’s porch in the hopes that their courageous truth-speaking to power would help him “listen to reason.”

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Leg Apologizes for Key Role It Played in “Ellen” Dancing Spectacle

Chris Matthews’ Leg appeared genuinely grieved and, at times, wracked with remorse as it issued an apology to the TV-watching nation for facilitating the act of extreme rug-cutting Chris Matthews engaged in on Ellen Degeneris program the other day.

This, even as Matthews’ Head continued to defend the credibility-draining jiggage.

New Obama Girl Video Causes Chris Matthews’ Leg to Explode Into Thousands of Tiny Shards

The exhiliratory effects of Barack Obama’s voice on The Leg are widely known  and fairly well understood. Less well known are the effects images of Hillary Clinton have on the appendage, as Chris Matthews’ Head has not seen fit to reveal that information, but it is assumed the results are not positive.

Nevertheless, it stunned and horrified onlookers when, as a group of MSNBC staff was huddled around a monitor viewing the new Obama Girl video, Chris Matthew’s Leg made a series of sizzling and popping noises and then exploded.

Forensic political scientists, in consultation with Feng Shui practitioners, theorize that the video’s numerous images of Senator Obama interposed with those of Senator Clinton, overlain with a heaping helping of frolicking, T-shirt stretching, and bad singing by Obama Girl, were simply too much for The Leg to process.

This incendiary mixture of positive, frightening and arousing inputs to The Leg resulted in cascading failure at the molecular level. Not to mention a hell of a mess in the MSNBC break room.

As of this writing, a team of college interns were working into the night to gather and reassemble the thousands of splintery fragments of America’s most excitable and liberal limb.

Chris Matthews’ Leg Momentarily Thrilled to Learn “It’s the One’s It’s Been Waiting For.”

When The Leg first heard the conundrumic pronouncement from the Radiant One, he was totally stoked. But the more he pondered it, the more the mood ring on it’s toe drifted toward the colors of bewilderment and irritation. Meanwhile 10th grade girls, stoners of all ages, and Andrew Sullivan still thought it was “totally deep.”

Chris Matthews’ Leg Recalls Visiting Pizza Place Under Sniper Fire

Chris Matthews’ Leg shared memories of some of his more thrilling adventures in journalism with a group of D.C. middle schoolers yesterday:

“I remember back in ’96 when me, James Carville, and the rest of Chris Matthews went to check out this new pizza place we’d heard about over by Dupont Circle. On the way over we heard a radio report of possible snipers in the trees around  Q Street. We jumped out of the car and kept our head’s down as we ran for our calzones. It was crazy.”

Afterwards, the students in Mrs. Sokolosky’s 5th grade Social Studies class appeared evenly divided on the question of whether Chris Matthews’ Leg was full of crap or genuinely delusional.

Update!:As it turns out, The Leg may have mis-remembered the incident. Carville says it wasn’t guerilla fighters. It was teenage boys. And they were on the sidewalks, not in the trees.

Oh, and they were hurling insults, not bullets.

Carville also compared Chris Matthews’ Leg to James-the-Son-of-Alpheus—the member of Jesus’ disciples that was a big emotional dork.

The Leg Wowed by Andrew Sullivan’s Flexibility

Chris Matthews’ Leg was talking to the lifeless shriveled husk of Keith Olbermann’s sense of shame the other day. They were both totally in awe of the way ex-conservative Andrew Sullivan can turn his histrionic self-righteousness on a dime.

“It’s freaking incredible,” The Leg enthused. “I mean, one day he’s in his regular mode of demonizing any Republican politician who happens to be on speaking terms with a Baptist preacher unwilling to dance in Provincetown’s Gay Days parade dressed as Marlene Dietrich. The next day he’s calling his favored presidential candidate’s 20-year connection to a racist, hate-spewing, anti-American preacher a sign of maturity and broadmindedness. That’s flexibility a contortionist would envy.” 

Olbermann’s pallid, emaciated sense of decency agreed. “It’s a thing of beauty, man. The complete immunity to irony; the utter absence of self-awareness; the endless self-congratulatory citations of those who agree with him. . . sure we have all that in common. But oh, those rationalizing pirouettes! He’s in a class by himself there.”

Chris Matthews’ Leg said, “Amen, brother.” 

The Light Dawns

The Oracle: “So. . .What Mr. Obama is saying is that he smoked Rev. Wright’s hate and paranoia for 20 years, but never inhaled?”

Chris Matthews Leg:  “Exactly.”

The Leg Feels Thrill Again as Obama Throws Sweet Grandma Under the Bus

Never in the history of American oratory has such soaring rhetoric been deployed so majestically in the service of campaign damage control.

That’s why Chris Matthews’ Leg felt “it” again today. That electric surge of hope-change-love-peace running from his toes up his sciatic nerve. “I am healed,” The Leg declared serenely.

The Leg couldn’t help but admire the brilliant timing of Obama’s decision to bravely lead the nation in a frank discussion about race—choosing the very moment in which he is forced to talk about race to get his backside out of a sling.

Only a statesman of Obama’s skill and stature could successfully excuse himself for sitting under the teaching of a racist conspiracy nut for two decades simply by equating him with the little white grandmother who raised him and who apparently used a few racial terms considered politically incorrect now 40 years later.

“I totally buy it,” The Leg exclaimed before joining Andrew Sullivan in a group swoon.  “End of story. Issue settled. Yep. Nothing else to see here. We’re good. Let’s move on.”

“I thought all the flags were a nice touch, too. A little one would make a nice lapel pin. I’ll have to suggest that next time I see the Senator.”

Chris Matthews’ Leg to Obama: “You Make Me Want to Be a Better Limb.”

The Leg has looked into the wise and compassionate eyes of Barack Obama and been transformed. Thanks to the Senator of Light, The Leg has shed it’s cynicism and a not-insignificant amount of unsightly hair.

Michelle Malkin has dubbed him “Glowbama.” Hot Air has the goods on the Radiant One’s spiritual mentor and inspiration.

Gore as Mediator? The Leg Feels No Thrill

 

Today Chris Matthews’ Leg overheard The Head discussing a New York Post article which suggested only Al Gore has the stature and detachment to come to rescue of the Democratic Party:

If Al Gore can pull himself away from saving the planet long enough, he might want to consider rescuing the Democratic Party from the clutches of utter self-destruction. . . That leaves Al Gore as the only person with the experience to answer the red phone and force a peaceful end to this civil war.

The Leg’s immediate reaction?

“Right. The guy who refused to admit defeat for the good of COUNTRY is going to convince a Clinton to admit defeat for the good of a PARTY. Ummm, what’s your Plan B?”

The Leg Breaks News to Olbermann: “‘Stimulus Package’ Doesn’t Mean What You Think It Does”

A disappointed and red-faced Keith Olbermann was seen walking away from Chris Matthews’ Leg today. Later, The Leg said, “I drew the short straw in the office pool. We just couldn’t let the guy go on embarrassing himself that way. We want to see him continue to embarrass himself in other, more entertaining ways.”

Chris Matthews’ Leg Will “Take John Hagee’s Endorsement if McCain Doesn’t Want It”

Rev. John Hagee, Pastor of  a San Antonio megachurch and host of a nationwide television broadcast publically endorsed presidential candidate John McCain back on February 28th. But it was not clear how excited the candidate was about getting the minister’s blessing.

“Heck, I’ll take it.” Chris Matthews Leg was heard to remark. “No sense letting a perfectly good endorsement go to waste. Especially if the guy doesn’t really appreciate it.”

At this writing, Pastor Hagee’s level of interest in shifting his seal of approval to Chris Matthews’ Leg was unknown.

“Nacho Cuba Libre”: Sometimes when you’re a dictator, you like to wear stretchy pants. Just for fun.

And, the Oracle notes, sometimes when you’re a dictator who is the darling of the Hollywood, “War-is-not-the-answer” crowd, you embarrassingly act like the war-mongering tin-pot despot that you are.

Thus The Oracle wonders: Are the same sensitivities that send a thrill up Chris Matthews’ Leg when MesmerO starts speaking equally responsive to the blustery holdings forth “Hugo the Beneficent?” (A recent recipient of some big time tax breaks courtesy of Pelosi & Co.)

One thing’s certain. The Leg is getting tired of the way Chris Matthews’ Head snickers like an adolescent schoolboy in staff meetings every time someone mentions the Columbian terrorist group “FARC.”

The Leg Flummoxed by “The French Correction”

Chris Matthews’ Leg is accustomed to responding positively to anything involving French actresses. But The Leg doesn’t quite know what to make of recent Oscar winner Marion Cotillard’s bizzaro-world conspiracy theories.

The blog “Blather. Wince. Repeat.” is on the case with a post titled, “It’s Springtime in Paris and the Idiots are Blooming.” 

She apparently believes 9/11 had something to do with urban renewal. 

Leg Declares Shuster “Way Over-Groomed”

 

“Look, I’m all for hygiene and attention to appearance,” Chris Matthews’ Leg was heard muttering today. “But, Sweet Paul Mitchell’s Back Wax. . . what’s the deal with Shuster?”

“Have you seen the guy’s skin?” The Leg continued, ramping up the volume and the general level of worked-uppedness, “He’s like one of those dolls they sell on QVC. Aren’t dudes supposed to have, like, pores and stuff? Not a hair out of place. Not a wrinkle in the suit. How much time do you have to spend. . .?  No wonder he says stupid stuff  like “pimping out” on the air.

“Then The Leg muttered something partially inaudible but the Oracle thought he heard the words “primping out.”

Calming down, The Leg said it much preferred Chris’s kind-of-rumpled, mussed, slightly hung-over frat boy thing he usually has going.