Former Army Paratrooper Donald Clouston, a combat veteran of World War II and Korea, was confronted by a knife-wielding teenage thug near his home in the San Francisco Bay area. The 81-year-old declined the opportunity to hand over his wallet and opted to kick the mugger’s sorry hindquarters instead.
Hot Air has the report.
Chris Matthews’ Leg wasn’t sure how it was supposed to react to the incident. Part of it thought the whole thing was cool. It was like, “Whooo Hoo! Go super-old Army dude!” But another part remembered that violence was bad, especially when perpetrated by privileged white males. . .”The fascists. . .” The Leg muttered to Olbermann’s soul-void.
Thus conflicted, The Leg decided to wait to see what The Radiant One had to say about it.
“I’m guessing Obama will bring a hopeful message of reconciliation and bridge-building between elderly pedestrians and knife-brandishing teen muggers,” The Leg mused. “He’ll say something really deep like. . .”
“These two groups–elderly pedestrians and knife-wielding muggers–have been divided for too long in this great nation. For too many years they have been allowed to hide behind walls of cynicism and mistrust. Knife-weilding teens must be encouraged to no longer view the elderly only a source of quick cash for drugs. And America’s octogenenarians must be challenged to break free from their hardened stereotypes about young men who wave knives at them and demand cash. It’s time for the healing to begin.”
Meanwhile, leaders for Code Pink in the Bay Area were planning to divert some of their woman-power–currently deployed in Berkley harrassing Marine recruiters–to Santa Rosa to set up outside the old soldier’s home.
“This is why we can’t allow our children to be tempted into military service,” a Code Pink spokes-shrew declared. “It produces these testosterone-crazed Rambo’s like old Mr. Clouston walking around defending themselves. I bet he didn’t even stop to think about the root causes of why that poor young man felt the need to threaten him with a knife.”
At this writing, the gals were headed to Home Depot for fresh cans of fake “blood” to throw on the old man’s porch in the hopes that their courageous truth-speaking to power would help him “listen to reason.”
Chris Matthews’ Leg appeared genuinely grieved and, at times, wracked with remorse as it issued an apology to the TV-watching nation for facilitating the act of extreme rug-cutting Chris Matthews engaged in on Ellen Degeneris program the other day.
This, even as Matthews’ Head continued to defend the credibility-draining jiggage.
The exhiliratory effects of Barack Obama’s voice on The Leg are widely known and fairly well understood. Less well known are the effects images of Hillary Clinton have on the appendage, as Chris Matthews’ Head has not seen fit to reveal that information, but it is assumed the results are not positive.
Nevertheless, it stunned and horrified onlookers when, as a group of MSNBC staff was huddled around a monitor viewing the new Obama Girl video, Chris Matthew’s Leg made a series of sizzling and popping noises and then exploded.
Forensic political scientists, in consultation with Feng Shui practitioners, theorize that the video’s numerous images of Senator Obama interposed with those of Senator Clinton, overlain with a heaping helping of frolicking, T-shirt stretching, and bad singing by Obama Girl, were simply too much for The Leg to process.
This incendiary mixture of positive, frightening and arousing inputs to The Leg resulted in cascading failure at the molecular level. Not to mention a hell of a mess in the MSNBC break room.
As of this writing, a team of college interns were working into the night to gather and reassemble the thousands of splintery fragments of America’s most excitable and liberal limb.
When The Leg first heard the conundrumic pronouncement from the Radiant One, he was totally stoked. But the more he pondered it, the more the mood ring on it’s toe drifted toward the colors of bewilderment and irritation. Meanwhile 10th grade girls, stoners of all ages, and Andrew Sullivan still thought it was “totally deep.”
Chris Matthews’ Leg shared memories of some of his more thrilling adventures in journalism with a group of D.C. middle schoolers yesterday:
“I remember back in ’96 when me, James Carville, and the rest of Chris Matthews went to check out this new pizza place we’d heard about over by Dupont Circle. On the way over we heard a radio report of possible snipers in the trees around Q Street. We jumped out of the car and kept our head’s down as we ran for our calzones. It was crazy.”
Afterwards, the students in Mrs. Sokolosky’s 5th grade Social Studies class appeared evenly divided on the question of whether Chris Matthews’ Leg was full of crap or genuinely delusional.
Update!:As it turns out, The Leg may have mis-remembered the incident. Carville says it wasn’t guerilla fighters. It was teenage boys. And they were on the sidewalks, not in the trees.
Oh, and they were hurling insults, not bullets.
Carville also compared Chris Matthews’ Leg to James-the-Son-of-Alpheus—the member of Jesus’ disciples that was a big emotional dork.
Chris Matthews’ Leg was talking to the lifeless shriveled husk of Keith Olbermann’s sense of shame the other day. They were both totally in awe of the way ex-conservative Andrew Sullivan can turn his histrionic self-righteousness on a dime.
“It’s freaking incredible,” The Leg enthused. “I mean, one day he’s in his regular mode of demonizing any Republican politician who happens to be on speaking terms with a Baptist preacher unwilling to dance in Provincetown’s Gay Days parade dressed as Marlene Dietrich. The next day he’s calling his favored presidential candidate’s 20-year connection to a racist, hate-spewing, anti-American preacher a sign of maturity and broadmindedness. That’s flexibility a contortionist would envy.”
Olbermann’s pallid, emaciated sense of decency agreed. “It’s a thing of beauty, man. The complete immunity to irony; the utter absence of self-awareness; the endless self-congratulatory citations of those who agree with him. . . sure we have all that in common. But oh, those rationalizing pirouettes! He’s in a class by himself there.”
Chris Matthews’ Leg said, “Amen, brother.”
The Oracle: “So. . .What Mr. Obama is saying is that he smoked Rev. Wright’s hate and paranoia for 20 years, but never inhaled?”
Chris Matthews Leg: “Exactly.”