With Olbermann Gone, Chris Steps Up and Brings The Crazy. Hard.

Keith Olbermann’s sudden departure left a vacuum of bizarre, vitriolic, non-sequitorial pronouncements fueled by spittle-flecked ideological obsession. This week Chris Matthews’ Head stepped boldly into the void:

Good evening. I`m Chris Matthews in Washington.

Leading off tonight: Unrest in Egypt. Proving the Iraq war wasn’t needed, these protests in Egypt, as well as in Yemen and Tunisia, are all aimed at dictators supported by the U.S. The demonstrations have not yet turned anti-American, but they could. These are the events the Bush administration hoped to encourage by lying about weapons of mass destruction and invading Iraq.

We feared KO’s departure meant creative, bizzaro-world analysis like the above was a thing of that past at MSNBC. We should have known there were dimensions of Chris “Are You Hypnotized?” Matthews yet to be revealed. Odd, odd dimensions.

Good Night and Good Luck in Your New Real Estate Career

It is the end of an error. MSNBC has shown the door to both Keith Olbermann and the dry shriveled husk of his sense of shame.

The Leg is going to miss the preening, pretentious, pompous fire hose of self-righteousness and bluster. And Chris Matthew’s Head liked having him around if only because he tended to make Matthew’s look like a model of proportionality and reason by comparison.

But when even Jon Stewart is finding you embarrassing to the liberal cause, it’s probably time for America’s most liberal news network to serve up a heaping helping of canned Olby.

The Leg has seen this coming for some time. Olbermann had not been the same since George W. Bush’s departure from the White House. (See: “Olbermann in Post-Bush Crisis. Must Find New Focus for 17 Million Gigawatts of Incandescent Hate or Risk Spontaneous Human Combustion.”

It was a little sad when, just moments ago, Chris Matthews’ Leg stopped by Olbermann’s desk and found only a scrap of paper containing an old “To Do” list:

To Do

__ Browbeat the interns.

__ Call the Dale Carnegie people. Demand refund.

__ Check Daily Kos threads to find out what the kids want to hear tonight.

__ Repeatedly stab photo of Bill O’Reilly muttering oaths and curses.

__ Taunt CM, RM about my salary increase.

__ Renew “Verbal Advantage” subscription.

__ Send vocabulary out to be waxed.

__ Hit GoDaddy. Register InsufferableTwit.com and PompousGeek.tv

__ Hit Netflix. Put “Reds” at the top of the queue. Again.

Sadly, those days are over. And The Leg is feeling a little blue.

The Leg Cramping Over Olbermann Suspension

Today Chris Matthews’ Leg expressed deep concern that the revelations about Keith Olbermann donating money to several liberal candidates for public office will damage MSNBC’s hard-won reputation for objectivity and fairness in covering the news.

“This is a blow,” The Leg shared over martinis and dim sum at a trendy midtown watering hole last night. “I know the American people by the millions look to MSNBC for cool-headed, even-handed, integrity-enriched handling of the news of the day. That’s why the no-contributions policy was in place. Chris, Keith, Rachel, and especially Sgt. Schultz have all worked very hard to build our sterling reputation for scrupulous detachment. I’m afraid this news that Keith actually has liberal sympathies will come as a huge, huge  shock to most people. I guess all we can do from here is pick up the pieces and start rebuilding.”

Fear and Loathing and Hypnotism at MSNBC

Interns spent all day Wednesday and most of Thursday in the studios of MSNBC with brooms and dustpans, sweeping up tiny remnants of the news network’s shattered journalistic credibility.

Yes it’s been in tatters for some time, but at some point during MSNBC’s jeering, sophomoric coverage of the election returns the ghost of Edward R. Murrow manifested in the studio and began to weep–softly at first, but ever more violently until, during a commercial break, a mournful shriek was heard and the last sad bits of MSNBC’s legitimacy exploded into thousands of little shards.

Listen carefully in the background of this clip of Chris Matthews interviewing Michelle Bachman and you can hear Murrow’s sobs, as well as the sound of Keith Olbermann giggling like a guy who has dared his friend to make a prank phone call and his friend, is like, totally doing it. He’s totally gonna ask a member of Congress if her refrigerator is running and whether she has Prince Albert in a can:

It has not yet been determined what the network will use in place of its journalistic credibility going forward.

GE has put a suggestion box by the water cooler and so far there are three votes for “fierce ennui,” two votes for “irony” (although someone pointed out that Jon Stewart owns that), and one vote for “off-putting neediness.”

Over to you Bernie:

Chris Matthews’ Leg Aches for Shot on Dancing With the Stars

Chris Matthews’ Leg doesn’t think it could ever get Chris Matthews’ Head to agree to it–not after the Ellen DeGeneres dancing debacle of 2008 (known around MSNBC studios as Spazgate, or occasionally, Grope-aquiddick, and in military circles, the embarrassing “Bay of Legs” fiasco).

Nevertheless, The Leg is itching to replace The Situation and do some more rug cutting on national TV. And this time, without that clumsy Ellen holding it back and leg-cramping its style.

The Pluperfect Storm

It wasn’t pretty.

Yesterday Chris Matthews’ Leg was chatting with the dry, shriveled husk of Keith Olbermann’s sense of proportionality and watching the live feed of the President’s Townhall. That voice was working its electric magic on the senstive appendage once more.

Suddenly some intern came running through the room waving a news release from the Rasmussen polling people. The Leg wasn’t sure but it appeared the girl had been crying.

“What’s that about?” The Leg asked a passing card-carrying-union-member-in-good standing teleprompter operator.

She explained that the release contained survey data revealing that more people say their views are more closely aligned with those of Sarah Palin than with those of “The One” (may higher approval ratings be upon him.)

“Was it close?” the dry, shriveled husk of Olbermann’s sense of proportionality asked hopefully. The intern just burst into tears and ran from the room, which, come to think of it, happens with Keith a lot.

The news quickly sent a chill through the overwhelmingly white staff at MSNBC and Matthews’ overwhelmingly white Leg turned a whiter shade of pale. Olbermann stormed off in search of a staff member to browbeat.

From somewhere deep in the bowels of 30 Rock, Leslie Stahl let out a long, mournful primal scream. The smell of scotch and frying bratwurst started wafting from Ed Schulz office.

Suddenly, The Leg’s attention was drawn back to the live feed of the President’s Townhall. A nice-looking African-American woman was speaking. “This is more like it,” The Leg thought. “Now we’re going to hear someone make some sense.” The Leg turned up the volume and heard:

“I’m one of your middle class Americans. And quite frankly, I’m exhausted. Exhausted of defending you, defending your administration, defending the mantle of change that I voted for.”

At that moment a huge muscle cramp seized the calf of The Leg and it didn’t hear the rest. Just something about “hot dogs and beans” and the “new reality.”

“Let the doubters doubt,” The Leg muttered. “I’m keeping hope alive.”

Indeed, Chris Matthews’ Leg is clinging to its belief that Obama is a great president harder than a defeated Alaska Senator clings to power and privilege.

Breaking News: Schultz Demands MSNBC Hire Joaquin Phoenix

In a desperate attempt to shore up his tattered image, Ed Schultz has demanded that MSNBC hire Joaquin Phoenix and make him his lead-in. So says, Chris Matthews’ Leg who overheard Schultz yelling at speakerphone yesterday.

Reading last weeks Leg Post was an eye-opener for Schultz.

“I’m done being ‘Shemp’ to Olbermann’s ‘Larry’ and Matthews’ ‘Moe,'” The Leg heard Schultz shout toward the phone. “I’m a Curly, dammit. Get Joaquin!”

The Leg Beginning to Suspect Schultz Was Hired Solely to Make Chris and Olby Look Less Unhinged

The Leg finally thinks it has solved the mystery. The addition of Ed Schultz to the MSNBC evening line up has always been a bit of a puzzle to Chris Matthews’ Leg.

After all there’s an Ed Schultz in pretty much every union bar in America. He’s the loud mouth on the end stool with an opinion about everything that flashes across the television screen. He’s the guy who, if you have the misfortune of drawing the stool next to him, starts telling you how the “suits down and the factory” don’t have a clue about how to run a company, and pretty soon you’re pretending to get a call on your mobile and mouthing “I’ve got to take this,” and backing away as quickly as possible.

He’s that guy. When you see him on your television you expect him to be standing in front a big stack of mattresses wearing a giant Nerf cowboy hat shouting, “Nobody beats our prices! Come on down!”

According to the Wikipedia entry on Schultz (which appears to have been written by his publicist or his mother) his primary claim to fame prior to being picked to be the lead midget car in the Shriner’s parade that is MSNBC’s evening fare, was being a big honking deal on the radio in Fargo. The entry tells us:

Schultz’s News and Views radio show was very similar to his WDAY Viewpoint program and quickly grew into a regional broadcast dominating the North Dakota airwaves, with additional listeners in South Dakota, western Minnesota, Montana, Manitoba, and Saskatchewan.

(Emphasis added.)

Perhaps mere domination of the North Dakota airwaves might not have been justification enough to add Schultz to the sinking ratings ship called MSNBC. It was probably that part about additional listeners in Western Minnesota and Saskatchewan that sealed the deal.

“Who are we kidding?” The Leg intejects. “Shultz presence on our television sets makes no sense.  At any level. The only possible rationale is that he makes the other guys on the channel look rational and thoughtful by comparison.”

That, of course, is no small feat given Matthews’ recent feverish fear-mongering about the Tea Party grandmothers being a bunch para-military neo-nazi’s and Olbermann’s spittle-flecked, nostril-flaring obsessions with Bill O’Reilly and Rush Limbaugh.

It’s a daunting task. But, given headlines like this one in the New York Post, it seems Schultz is up to it:

MSNBC’s Ed Schultz Goes Bonkers

But at least The Leg’s universe makes sense once more.

Dozens of Shootings in Chicago Over the Weekend. Chris Matthews Suspects Link to Tea Party, Conservatives

As news reports revealed that at least 40 people were shot in Chicago this last weekend, Chris Matthews couldn’t help but see it as a clear validation of his recently unveiled Grand Unified Theory of Conservative Scariness.

Chris and his Excitable Limb didn’t realize that Chicago’s West and South sides had become hot beds of Tea Party activity but, given all the shooting and bloodshed there, they quickly surmised that these areas must have been caught up in the maddening fever for limited government and fiscal responsibility that has swept up so many  grandmothers and soccer moms across the nation.

“I’ll bet there are ‘Don’t Tread on Me’ flags flying all over the Englewood and Calumet Heights neighborhoods.” The Leg opined.

The Leg senses that Chris is on to something with his new Grand Unified Theory of Conservative Scariness. Sure only a handful of left-wing zealots still bother to watch MSNBC anymore. But for those guys, Matthews’ new hobby horse is like a hot-oil foot massage with Olbermann’s Countdown program serving as the “happy ending.”

“I vow that Chris Matthews’ Head and I will remain vigilant and bold in our quest to keep America safe for runaway government growth, soaring deficits, and nanny-like control  over every aspect of human activity by incompetent, corrupt bureaucrats,” the Leg declared with leg hairs standing on end.

Matthews’ Leg Agrees with President, Oil Spill Just Like 9/11, Both Involved Fire and Stuff

The Leg felt that old familiar thrill once more yesterday when President Obama passed up a perfectly good tee time in order to visit a beach in Mississippi and sample a bold and innovative variety of local culinary offerings.

In between the Shrimp Po’ Boy course and the Lemon Sno Cone that was forced to stand in as a sorbet palate cleanser, the President suggested that this crisis was his “9/11.”

The Leg totally agreed and added: “The parallels are obvious.”

Indeed, the Deepwater Horizon spill is the result of a too-cozy relationship between federal inspectors and the drilling companies they were supposed to be inspecting. Likewise, 9/11 resulted from a too-cozy relationship between Islamic jihadis and their all-consuming zeal for killing Jews, Christians and Westerners in general.

“The similarities are uncanny,” The Leg enthused. “It’s kinda like Lincoln had a secretary named Kennedy and Kennedy had a secretary, too.”

Later, the President, standing atop a pile of shrimp nets with the bullhorn, addressed a half-dozen noisy pelicans standing on the posts of a nearby pier. “Yes, I do hear you,” the President shouted into the bullhorn. “And soon those arrogant British imperialists who oppressed and exploited Kenya for decades will hear you too!” The pelicans expressed their obvious approval and appreciation for the President by fighting over the remains of the President’s crab cake.

“I swear to you on the square grooves of my favorite lob wedge,” The President vowed, appearing to choke up a little.”I will not rest until the ineffective and corrupt federal bureaucrats who failed to enforce the safety regulations that would have prevented this catastrophe have many additional complex regulations to not enforce.”

Elsewhere, catching the presidential spirit of Brit-bashing and narcissistic preening, the Nu-metal band Korn announced that its buses would be boycotting BP fuel on its tour this summer. (h/t DailyGut.com) Korn’s publicist also took the opportunity to announce the new sponsor for the band’s summer tour, The Ethanol Lobby. “Isn’t it perfect?” Korn’s manager beamed. “It’s the most beautiful tie-in between artist and sponsor I’ve seen since Ke$ha picked up both Jack Daniels and Clear Blue Easy for her Tik Tok tour.”

Rare Sighting Today – Obama Answering Reporter Questions. The Leg “Totally Jazzed.”

It was Chris Matthews’ Leg’s favorite holiday today. It was “President Agrees to Take a Couple of Questions Day.”

It’s kind of like Groundhog Day. Once a year President Obama comes out from behind a teleprompter and, if he hears a reporter’s question, answers it (sort of). This is thought to indicate there will be six more weeks of honeymoon with the press–at least at MSNBC.

“It was tops and taps,” The Leg enthused afterward. “This president is so accessible. I can access him on my television almost any time, day or night. He’s everywhere.”

The Leg looks forward to the President’s next freewheeling, no-holds-barred encounter with the Fourth Estate, sometime in the Spring of 2011. It’ll be here before we know it.

Sweet Mother of Cheese, Even Jon Stewart is Finding Olbermann Embarassing.

The Leg used to think it was kind of cute . . .they way K-Olb would get all red-faced, twitchy, and big-wordy when in high dudgeon against Republican sins against liberal sensibliities . . . sins like deposing tyrants and trying to catch terrorists.

If nothing else, the spectacle of Uber-Olber’s all-consuming, reason-draining obsession with Bill O’Reilly and Fox News tended to provide some entertainment value.

But lately his indignant-dillweed-with-a-thesaurus schtick has started to wear thin . . . even with natural allies like The Leg. And apparently with Jon Stewart:

Stewart Spanks Olbermann

Now The Leg is pondering a question: Will being publicly pantsed by America’s Mocker-in-Chief move Olbermann to ratchet down the hate? The Leg is doubtful.

The Leg Suspects Chris and Olbermann Competing to Out-Stupid Each Other (Update: Olby Wins!)

The Leg is beginning to suspect that Chris and Olbermann made some sort of wager while The Leg was asleep. The bet?

Who can make the most absurd pronouncement in the run up to and aftermath of the Massachusetts Miracle.

This is the only possible explanation for the non-stop gusts of straight-faced howlers proceding from the mouths of America’s most earnest cheerleaders for the Obama-Pelosi-Reid agenda.

Olbermann opened strong by calling Scott Brown: “irresponsible, homophobic, racist, reactionary, ex-nude model, tea bagging, supporter of violence against women and against politicians with whom he disagrees.” Ahhh, just like Edward R. Murrow used to do.

Chris, ever the zen master of measured understatement, countered with an assertion that a vote for Brown is the equivalent of “deliberate, premeditated murder for health care!”

Olby saw Chris’s hysteria and raised on election night by teasing before a break that he would be apologizing to Scott Brown. Later he smugly apologized for forgetting to include the word “sexist” in his list of slanders. The apology was contrived and superfluous because most folks probably assume that a charge of sexism is fully covered under “supporter of violence against women.”

At that point, Chris realized that he was completely out of his league in the jackassery Olympics and threw in the towel.

Why? Because, as The Leg knows, Chris has a fatal character flaw for an MSNBC show host. He has occasional fits of intellectual honesty . . .  like this one that compelled him point out that Howard Dean is either full of crap or crazy.

The Leg & Chris Simultaneously Mesmerized, Horrified by Coakley Senate Cluster-Schtupp

Chris Matthews’ Leg watched a pervasive cloud of gloom descend over the MSNBC studios over the last few days as poll after poll showed Republican Scott Brown’s campaign prospects rising faster than Conan O’Brien’s bank balance; and Martha Coakley’s cause staggering and stumbling across the finish line like Courtney Love after a sleepover at Amy Winehouse’s.

As the returns from Massachusetts rolled in tonight, The Leg begin to cramp up and spasm to a degree not experienced since Chris decided to dance with Ellen DeGeneres on her television show. Meanwhile, Chris Matthews’ head joined the chorus of liberal media voices and Dem Party honchos turning on poor Martha Coakley like a school of piranhas devouring a wounded one of their own.

Bus wheels . . . meet Martha.  Martha . . . bus wheels.

The Leg noted that both Olbermann and Maddow seemed to be taking their cues from the commenters at the Democratic Underground. The sage and savvy post election analysis there seemed to be: “Coakley lost because the Democrats aren’t being liberal enough.”

The Leg isn’t so sure that was the problem.

CM’s Leg Declares Limbaugh Quotes: “Fake But Satisfying”

olby

While receiving a deep tissue massage at NBC’s “30 Rock Day Spa and Zen Retreat,” Chris Matthews’ Leg was overheard sleepily musing about Rush Limbaugh’s touchiness about being libeled and slandered.

As the masseuse applied an invigorating lavender-sage exfoliant, The Leg recalled with admiration the Dan Rather/Mary Mapes defense of their fabricating damaging stuff about President George W. Bush . . . “Fake but accurate,” they’d declared.

“Sure these quotes were purely the product of a fevered, conservative-loathing, wikipedia grafitti artist,” The Leg opined. “But that’s irrelevant. The quotes were perfectly consistent with the caricature of Rush we have all worked so hard to create over the last 20 years. Therefore, they were ‘authentic’ in the best, postmodern sense of the word.”

“So, the quotes fit the preferred narrative?” the masseuse piped up, hoping for a tip (for a change.)

“Exactly!” The Leg spasmed. “For all the people that matter, the quotes were fake but satisfying.”

“Fake but delicious,” the masseuse offered as he applied a moisturizing emollient, but the The Leg didn’t respond. It had drifted off to sleep.

{Quote of the day: “People to not believe lies because they have to, but because they want to.”–Malcolm Muggeridge}