David and Bathsheba. Cleopatra and Antony. King Edward and Wallace Simpson. These are some of the great romances of history. It is clear that we can now add to that list of legendary hookups: “MSNBC and The Obama White House.”
Not since a sidewalk collision got someone’s peanut butter on someone else’s chocolate have two entities been more treacly sweet on each other.
It’s been no secret that most of MSNBC’s “journalists” have had gigantic, giggly crushes on B.O.A.H.T. (Barack Obama and His Teleprompter) since the primaries. But then so did most of the rest of the post-journalism media. No, what makes this love story special is that when Chris, Keith, Rachel, et. al. slipped the Obama a White House this note:
Do you like us? ___Yes ___No ___For a Friend
. . . it came back with the “Yes” box checked. This was confirmed by White House advisor Kareem Dale on C-SPAN the other day. The White House’s true feelings are revealed at about the 1:51 mark in this video:
This explains why Rachel Maddow was recently heard singing Roberta Flack’s “The First Time Ever I Saw His Face.”
Oh, the tingles and thrills Chris Matthews’ Leg has been feeling in recent days as it has seemed increasingly likely that a majority of Americans were actually about to take a flyer on a community organizer with poor taste in friends and even worse taste in preachers-and in volatile, dangerous times, no less.
For a few minutes the other day, The Leg even thought it was feeling that righteous wind spoken of by “He Who Will Punish the Productive Through Wealth Spread-age.”
Unfortunately, the warm breeze just turned out to be Olbermann being juvenile (what’s new) after gorging himself on spicy tapas at Bobby Flay’s “Bolo” over on East 22nd. Giggling and giddy, the Countdown host proudly declared his productivity, “Worst Gas in the World.”
The Leg was not inclined to dispute that designation.
The Oracle — interpreter and translator for Chris Matthews’ Leg–has grown accustomed to hearing lefty blowhards spout nonsense analysis and bogus political theorums. After all, consistent proximity to Keith Olbermann provides a steady diet of passionate malarkey.
But yesterday’s blog post by CNN’s Jack Cafferty was absurd enough to peg the needle on even The Oracle’s jaded Gas-o-meter.
In it, Cafferty claims to have discovered why the race for the presidency is currently so darned close. Echoing what seems to be the new official talking point — it’s Racism! Cafferty wrote:
Race is arguably the biggest issue in this election, and it’s one that nobody’s talking about.
The differences between Barack Obama and John McCain couldn’t be more well-defined. Obama wants to change Washington. McCain is a part of Washington and a part of the Bush legacy. Yet the polls remain close. Doesn’t make sense…unless it’s race.
Time magazine’s Michael Grunwald says race is the elephant in the room.
The Oracle is still working through the logic on this one:
“Let’s see. In 2000, in a race between a white liberal and white conservative, the nation was evenly split. In 2004, again a race between a white liberal and white conservative, the electorate was again divided 50-50. So now that the race is between a black liberal and a white conservative and the polls are once again showing a roughly tied race, the elephant-in-the-room explanation is racism? Really?”
The Oracle suspects that the real elephant in the room is the truth that desperation to swing this election is driving guys like Cafferty and Olbermann to become ridiculous parodies of their already ridiculous selves.
Update: Hot Air has moving pictures of the gas-baggery.
The Oracle–gifted interpreter of the bio-electric pulses racing up and down Chris Matthews’ sciatic nerve–is pleased to announce that getting the hook has jerked The Leg awake.
The Oracle has been around quite a while. He’s been following politics and punditry so long, he can remember when Andrew Sullivan was intellectually honest. Why, he can even remember when David Letterman was funny. He’s been around that long.
Nevertheless he was still shocked to see Chris Matthews Leg thrilled into a catatonic state by the mere anticipation of hearing Barack Obama’s convention acceptance speech. But the news that Chris (the nation’s leading cheerleader for Senator Obama); and Keith Olbermann (the “nation’s televised face of sneering, drooling Bush hatred“); had been invited to vacate the anchor chairs of MSNBC’s election coverage snapped the sensitive appendage back to tingly consciousness.
After “The Great Injustice” as Chris is calling it, The Leg called an emergency meeting with the dry, shriveled husk of Keith Olbermann’s sense of shame in hopes of formulating a unified response strategy.
This proved to be impossible, however, as it quickly became apparent that the shock of MSNBC’s move to salvage it’s few, remaining wispy threads of journalistic credibility had pushed Olby utterly over the edge.
Thus, the Countdown Host’s long, heartbreaking descent into madness is seemingly complete. The last frayed mooring lines tethering the ex-sportscaster to the docks of reason have snapped and he is now adrift in the foaming sea of rage-fueled paranoia that is the comment threads at The Daily Kos, The Democratic Underground and the Huffington Post.
Chris Matthews’ Leg, though still stinging from the demotion, is ready to hum like a tuning fork at every messianic pronouncement from the world’s most famous community organizer. And Chris is ready to use the ever-diminishing influence of the Hardball pulpit to do his part for the holy cause.
With a mixture of shock and sadness, Chris Matthews’ Leg watched colleague Keith Olbermann’s “Special Comment” Wednesday night as the last remaining threads connecting the former sportscaster to the world of reality snapped like rotted mooring lines.
In a 15-minute snarling, spittle-flecked primal-scream of a rant, Olbermann accused President Bush of personally inventing disease, birth defects, sorrow, death and the way decaying garbage smells solely for his perverse entertainment.
“Hey, I’m no fan of Bush. And I’m fully in the tank for Obama, too. So, I’m sympathetic.” The Leg confided later. “But sweet smoking Judas, that was just embarassing. And sad.”
This, apparently, is what living for the approval of the Daily Kos and HuffPo mobs will do to you. It’s takes ever more incendiary rhetoric and Bush-slander to get the rage-drunk commenters at those sites to post your praises. And when they are pretty much the only people in the world who praise you (or even watch your show), it leads to a powerful cycle of addiction.
Later, a weeping Tom Brokaw was seen in the Countdown studio sweeping up the shards of what had been the tiny remnant of MSNBC’s journalistic credibility.
The day didn’t start out great. First Olber R. Furrow had to endure what he loudly and pompously declared “the worst waffle in the world.” And finding out about that “chickens” saying was a little embarrassing.
But things turned around big time when he finally got around to reading Sunday’s New York Times op-ed page (or as he fondly calls it “checking in with HQ”) and he saw Frank Rich’s attempt to get some heat off of our man Obama by pointing at John McCain’s endorsement by San Antonio pastor John Hagee. Olby thought it made perfect sense.
“It’s the exact same situation, yet McCain gets a pass,” Olby fumed.
What about the fact that McCain’s never actually attended Hagee’s church or even heard one of his sermons, whereas Obama attended Wright’s church for 20 years?
“Hairsplitting,” Olby says.
And the fact that Obama repeatedly claimed Wright as a inspiration and spiritual adviser, while McCain barely even knows Hagee?
But what about the tens of thousands of dollars the Obama’s have donated to Wright’s church?
“A Red herring.”
“And what’s with all the questions, anyway! Look, Obama’s two decades joined at the hip with Wright are the exact same thing as McCain’s 15-minute brush-by of that Hagee fellow. And anyone who can’t see that is obviously the worst person in the world.”
“And you sir, are worse than Hitler.”
Chris Matthews’ Leg (and the body to which it is attached) threw down the gauntlet yesterday amid galling observations that Keith Olbermann was exhibiting way more over-the-top adoration and gushing school-girl infatuation for candidate Obama than has Matthews.
“I will not be out-fawned by some beady-eyed, over-groomed geek who keeps his Smug knob cranked to ’11′ at all times.” declared Chris Matthews’ Head to a startled auto parts salesman on an adjacent barstool. “If you think I’ve been deferential and cheerleader-y up to this point, you just wait. You’re about to see the verbal equivalent of a hot oil foot rub every night. I’ll leave Gooberman in my dust.”
When told of Matthews’ trash-talking, Olbermann shot back:
“Matthews will never be in my league until he drops that quaint, old-school attachment to trying to appear fair every once in a while. You don’t become an iconic champion of the fevered, frothing, raging, Daily Kos comment swarms without abandoning all pretext of fairness, detachment, and reason.” Olbermann lectured. Smugly.
To illustrate his point, Olbermann pointed to the time Matthews stumped an Obama supporter by asking a reasonable question.
“What was that?, What, he couldn’t prep the guy a little? Give a brother a heads up?” Olbermann wailed. “Come on, pick a side and stay on it! Amateur.“
Ever since yesterday’s bombshell by Montana sheep rancher and future purchaser of the U.N. on Ebay, Ted Turner, in which he confidently predicted that global warming will result in cannibalism as a way of life. . . Chris Matthews’ Leg keeps thinking that Olbermann is “looking at me kinda weird.”
It wasn’t reassuring that Olbermann changed up his usual program format last night in order to declare The Leg–”Juiciest Appendage in the World.”
Chris Matthews’ Leg declared Keith Olbermann “right on” when the clearly-baked cable pundit issued the above pronouncement. Olbermann also predicted that Obama would dismantle the Defense Department and replace it with “The Ministry of Harmony and Understanding, Sympathy and Trust Abounding” or HUSTA.
Former Army Paratrooper Donald Clouston, a combat veteran of World War II and Korea, was confronted by a knife-wielding teenage thug near his home in the San Francisco Bay area. The 81-year-old declined the opportunity to hand over his wallet and opted to kick the mugger’s sorry hindquarters instead.
Hot Air has the report.
Chris Matthews’ Leg wasn’t sure how it was supposed to react to the incident. Part of it thought the whole thing was cool. It was like, “Whooo Hoo! Go super-old Army dude!” But another part remembered that violence was bad, especially when perpetrated by privileged white males. . .”The fascists. . .” The Leg muttered to Olbermann’s soul-void.
Thus conflicted, The Leg decided to wait to see what The Radiant One had to say about it.
“I’m guessing Obama will bring a hopeful message of reconciliation and bridge-building between elderly pedestrians and knife-brandishing teen muggers,” The Leg mused. “He’ll say something really deep like. . .”
“These two groups–elderly pedestrians and knife-wielding muggers–have been divided for too long in this great nation. For too many years they have been allowed to hide behind walls of cynicism and mistrust. Knife-weilding teens must be encouraged to no longer view the elderly only a source of quick cash for drugs. And America’s octogenenarians must be challenged to break free from their hardened stereotypes about young men who wave knives at them and demand cash. It’s time for the healing to begin.”
Meanwhile, leaders for Code Pink in the Bay Area were planning to divert some of their woman-power–currently deployed in Berkley harrassing Marine recruiters–to Santa Rosa to set up outside the old soldier’s home.
“This is why we can’t allow our children to be tempted into military service,” a Code Pink spokes-shrew declared. “It produces these testosterone-crazed Rambo’s like old Mr. Clouston walking around defending themselves. I bet he didn’t even stop to think about the root causes of why that poor young man felt the need to threaten him with a knife.”
At this writing, the gals were headed to Home Depot for fresh cans of fake “blood” to throw on the old man’s porch in the hopes that their courageous truth-speaking to power would help him “listen to reason.”