In a stunning revelation that is likely to increase pressure on the state of Hawaii to release the full version of the President’s birth certificate, Chris Matthews told the Today show’s Ann Curry that President Barack Obama was “the last Kennedy brother.”
Though it wasn’t picked up by NBC microphones, The Leg quickly added, “And in my heart, he’s the fifth Beatle; the eighth wonder of the world; and the fourth member of the Godhead.”
The Leg thinks it’s awesome that the President, between Rose Garden cigarette breaks, has come up with a plan to fix the nation’s heatlh care system.
“I’m uber stoked.” the self-aware appendage recently told the make up lady at MSNBC studios. “I’m looking forwward to enjoying the same efficiency and excellence in my doctor’s visits as I experience when interacting with the IRS or the Social Security Administration.”
“Let’s face it,” The Leg gushed. “Nothing fosters streamlined, hassle-free excellence like government oversight and colossal paperwork burdens. Just ask a car dealer.”
Chris Matthews Leg is thrilled to welcome to the Club of the Mesmerized novelist Christopher Buckley.
As The Leg knows well, there are many paths to enlightenment about “The One.” The Leg isn’t quite sure how a smart guy like Buckley, who claims to prize small government and conservative/libertarian principles, gets up that hill, but it’s totally stoked about it.
Not everyone is as tingly about Buckely’s awakening: Check out The Childlike Faith of Christopher Buckley.
The Oracle–gifted interpreter of the bio-electric pulses racing up and down Chris Matthews’ sciatic nerve–is pleased to announce that getting the hook has jerked The Leg awake.
The Oracle has been around quite a while. He’s been following politics and punditry so long, he can remember when Andrew Sullivan was intellectually honest. Why, he can even remember when David Letterman was funny. He’s been around that long.
Nevertheless he was still shocked to see Chris Matthews Leg thrilled into a catatonic state by the mere anticipation of hearing Barack Obama’s convention acceptance speech. But the news that Chris (the nation’s leading cheerleader for Senator Obama); and Keith Olbermann (the “nation’s televised face of sneering, drooling Bush hatred“); had been invited to vacate the anchor chairs of MSNBC’s election coverage snapped the sensitive appendage back to tingly consciousness.
After “The Great Injustice” as Chris is calling it, The Leg called an emergency meeting with the dry, shriveled husk of Keith Olbermann’s sense of shame in hopes of formulating a unified response strategy.
This proved to be impossible, however, as it quickly became apparent that the shock of MSNBC’s move to salvage it’s few, remaining wispy threads of journalistic credibility had pushed Olby utterly over the edge.
Thus, the Countdown Host’s long, heartbreaking descent into madness is seemingly complete. The last frayed mooring lines tethering the ex-sportscaster to the docks of reason have snapped and he is now adrift in the foaming sea of rage-fueled paranoia that is the comment threads at The Daily Kos, The Democratic Underground and the Huffington Post.
Chris Matthews’ Leg, though still stinging from the demotion, is ready to hum like a tuning fork at every messianic pronouncement from the world’s most famous community organizer. And Chris is ready to use the ever-diminishing influence of the Hardball pulpit to do his part for the holy cause.
“As a body part attached to high-profile figure who takes strong political stands, I want to express my solidarity with Senator Obama’s kahones,” Chris Matthews’ Leg announced today. “I must deplore in the strongest possible terms Rev. Jackson’s ‘hot-mike’ expression of a wish to surgically separate the presidential candidate’s huevos from his rancheros.”
[The Oracle would like to add that Senator Obama is certainly going to need them if he is going to continue making campaign promises he cannot keep and "refining" his positions every couple of days.]
The Leg was later heard muttering, “This is how it starts. ‘They came first for the gonads, but I did not speak up because I was not a gonad. . .’”
As Barack Obama finally laid claim to the Democratic nomination in his speech the other night, The Leg was vibrating like a tuning fork.
Each soaring, ambiguous platitude took the sensitive appendage to a higher level of harmonic resonance. Each thrilling-though-utterly-undeliverable promise sent electric thrills radiating up the Hardball host’s tibia and femur.
As the speech culminated with a level of grandiosity and humble self-importance rarely heard outside a high school valedictory speech. . .
“We will be able to look back and tell our children that this was the moment when we began to provide care for the sick and good jobs to the jobless; this was the moment when the rise of the oceans began to slow and our planet began to heal; this was the moment when we ended a war and secured our nation and restored our image as the last, best hope on Earth.”
. . . The Leg momentarily entered a state of super-consciousness which resulted in Chris Matthews’ head getting a fresh case of. . .
In several public places frequented by Obama campaign insiders, Chris Matthews’ Leg has been heard casually but loudly mentioning that it wouldn’t be the least bit offended if the Senator happened to address it as “sweetie.”
“He can also call me Sioux Falls, Sioux City, the 57th state, or a Typical White Person’s Leg if he wants,” The Leg is also on record as stating.
“Just call me.”
These are times that try Obama Media Cheerleaders’ souls (or in the case of Keith Olbermann, that soul-shaped vacuum adjacent to the lifeless shriveled husk of his sense of shame.)
20 years and 4 months after Jimmy “The Greek” Snyder was fired by CBS and made a national pariah for suggesting that genetic differences between blacks and whites made the former better natural athletes, Jeremiah “The America Damner” Wright confidently asserted that the brains of African-Americans learn differently than the brains of “European-Americans.”
Rev. Wright didn’t favor us with his theories on the brain function of Asian-Americans, Native-Americans, Hispanics or the Australian Aboriginal peoples.
Just when The Leg and his fellow cheerleaders were feeling what they thought was a maximum possible level of awkwardness, Rev. Wright stopped by the National Press Club to share some more pastorly comfort and healing wisdom.
As Olby was heard to say afterwards, “It’s hard out here for an Obama pimp.”
When you’re excited, you get sloppy.
Here, The Head adds a creative classic to the growing list of ways to mispronounce Barack Obama’s name. This one comes off something like, “Baccarat Bok Obama.”
Senator Obama’s “Condescension Tour” got off to a rocky start in San Francisco late last week. But The Leg can’t figure out what the rubes in flyover country are all chafe-y and hacked about.
It seems small town Americans are prickly about having their feelings caricatured by hyper-ambitious, Harvard-educated, self-styled Messiahs for the entertainment and ego-massaging of Left Coast beautiful people. As crazy as that sounds.
In spite of this little bump in the road, Chris Matthews’ Leg is confident Obama is going to win it all by a landslide. Why, The Leg doesn’t know a single person in the best zip codes of New York, DC or Los Angeles who isn’t voting for him.
Chris Matthews’ Leg (and the body to which it is attached) threw down the gauntlet yesterday amid galling observations that Keith Olbermann was exhibiting way more over-the-top adoration and gushing school-girl infatuation for candidate Obama than has Matthews.
“I will not be out-fawned by some beady-eyed, over-groomed geek who keeps his Smug knob cranked to ’11′ at all times.” declared Chris Matthews’ Head to a startled auto parts salesman on an adjacent barstool. “If you think I’ve been deferential and cheerleader-y up to this point, you just wait. You’re about to see the verbal equivalent of a hot oil foot rub every night. I’ll leave Gooberman in my dust.”
When told of Matthews’ trash-talking, Olbermann shot back:
“Matthews will never be in my league until he drops that quaint, old-school attachment to trying to appear fair every once in a while. You don’t become an iconic champion of the fevered, frothing, raging, Daily Kos comment swarms without abandoning all pretext of fairness, detachment, and reason.” Olbermann lectured. Smugly.
To illustrate his point, Olbermann pointed to the time Matthews stumped an Obama supporter by asking a reasonable question.
“What was that?, What, he couldn’t prep the guy a little? Give a brother a heads up?” Olbermann wailed. “Come on, pick a side and stay on it! Amateur.“
Chris Matthews’ Leg declared Keith Olbermann “right on” when the clearly-baked cable pundit issued the above pronouncement. Olbermann also predicted that Obama would dismantle the Defense Department and replace it with “The Ministry of Harmony and Understanding, Sympathy and Trust Abounding” or HUSTA.
Former Army Paratrooper Donald Clouston, a combat veteran of World War II and Korea, was confronted by a knife-wielding teenage thug near his home in the San Francisco Bay area. The 81-year-old declined the opportunity to hand over his wallet and opted to kick the mugger’s sorry hindquarters instead.
Hot Air has the report.
Chris Matthews’ Leg wasn’t sure how it was supposed to react to the incident. Part of it thought the whole thing was cool. It was like, “Whooo Hoo! Go super-old Army dude!” But another part remembered that violence was bad, especially when perpetrated by privileged white males. . .”The fascists. . .” The Leg muttered to Olbermann’s soul-void.
Thus conflicted, The Leg decided to wait to see what The Radiant One had to say about it.
“I’m guessing Obama will bring a hopeful message of reconciliation and bridge-building between elderly pedestrians and knife-brandishing teen muggers,” The Leg mused. “He’ll say something really deep like. . .”
“These two groups–elderly pedestrians and knife-wielding muggers–have been divided for too long in this great nation. For too many years they have been allowed to hide behind walls of cynicism and mistrust. Knife-weilding teens must be encouraged to no longer view the elderly only a source of quick cash for drugs. And America’s octogenenarians must be challenged to break free from their hardened stereotypes about young men who wave knives at them and demand cash. It’s time for the healing to begin.”
Meanwhile, leaders for Code Pink in the Bay Area were planning to divert some of their woman-power–currently deployed in Berkley harrassing Marine recruiters–to Santa Rosa to set up outside the old soldier’s home.
“This is why we can’t allow our children to be tempted into military service,” a Code Pink spokes-shrew declared. “It produces these testosterone-crazed Rambo’s like old Mr. Clouston walking around defending themselves. I bet he didn’t even stop to think about the root causes of why that poor young man felt the need to threaten him with a knife.”
At this writing, the gals were headed to Home Depot for fresh cans of fake “blood” to throw on the old man’s porch in the hopes that their courageous truth-speaking to power would help him “listen to reason.”
When The Leg first heard the conundrumic pronouncement from the Radiant One, he was totally stoked. But the more he pondered it, the more the mood ring on it’s toe drifted toward the colors of bewilderment and irritation. Meanwhile 10th grade girls, stoners of all ages, and Andrew Sullivan still thought it was “totally deep.”
The Leg has looked into the wise and compassionate eyes of Barack Obama and been transformed. Thanks to the Senator of Light, The Leg has shed it’s cynicism and a not-insignificant amount of unsightly hair.
Michelle Malkin has dubbed him “Glowbama.” Hot Air has the goods on the Radiant One’s spiritual mentor and inspiration.