CM’s Leg “Ecstatic” to be Part of America’s First Media Coup D’Etat

Chris Matthew’s Leg was partying with Barney Frank’s Tie and the dry, shriveled husk of Keith Olbermann’s sense of shame last night after the Palin-Biden debate.

Why a celebration – even after Sarah Palin clearly failed to live down to the caricature the MSM had furiously been painting for weeks ? Because it didn’t matter.

Chris’s Tingle Spot, Keith’s shame void, Barney’s poor, over-strained collar button . . .  they all know that the fix is in. And baby it feels good.

“It’s very exciting,” The Leg gushed. “We’re making history here. We, the members of the National Press Club, the Screen Actors Guild, and a few honorary members like Oprah and Soros, are going to install a President of the United States because, clearly, the American people can’t be trusted to pick one on their own.”

“We’re totally unified this time,” Olby’s soul-shaped vacuum chimed in. “It’s very cool to be a part of something bigger than my . . . well, almost bigger than myself. This is what it must have been like to be a campus radical in the ’60s . . .except we’re all rich and powerful and pretty.”

“And we bath,” The Leg Chimed in. “Well, most of us,” The Leg said jerking a toe over in the direction of Barney Frank’s neck.

“Right now we control everything but Talk Radio. And we’ll be shutting that nuisance down shortly after the election,” it said catching a high five from Olbermann’s shame void and shouting “Fairness Doctrine, baby!”

“Are we about to swing a close election via a complete abandonment of all pretense of objectivity?” The Leg asks. “Heck yeah. And if you don’t like it, then you must be a racist.”

Chris Matthews’ Leg to Auction Off Virginity to Aid Obama Campaign

The Leg overheard a couple of Hardball interns talking about some seedy story they read on Drudge and got one of its scathingly brilliant ideas: “Why not sacrifice my virtue in the noble cause of the Obama campaign?”

Yes, since Chris Matthews’ Leg only became self aware a few months ago when it was stirred to tingly sentience by the harmonic good vibrations emanating from Obami Wan Kenobi’s larynx–The Leg is (technically) a virgin.  (In contrast to Chris Matthews’ head which daily demonstrates almost no self awareness whatsoever.)

The Leg expects a major bidding war and ultimately to make a huge contribution to some 527 group working to mock John McCain’s physical limitations or dig for dirt on Sarah Palin.

Jesse Jackson Reaction: Chris Matthews’ Leg Strongly Condemns All Talk Of Cutting Off Body Parts

“As a body part attached to high-profile figure who takes strong political stands, I want to express my solidarity with Senator Obama’s kahones,” Chris Matthews’ Leg announced today. “I must deplore in the strongest possible terms Rev. Jackson’s ‘hot-mike’ expression of a wish to surgically separate the presidential candidate’s huevos from his rancheros.”

[The Oracle would like to add that Senator Obama is certainly going to need them if he is going to continue making campaign promises he cannot keep and "refining" his positions every couple of days.]

The Leg was later heard muttering, “This is how it starts. ‘They came first for the gonads, but I did not speak up because I was not a gonad. . .’”

Dejected, CM’s Leg Vows to “Get Me One of Those Hindu Monkey-god Charms Like Obama Carries”

It wasn’t the best of weeks for Chris Matthews or his leg.

First, The Leg took hard the news that it would be Tom Brokaw’s leg tucked under Tim Russert’s desk for the forseeable future. Then, “The Head” mixed up the names Obama and Osama not once, but twice! To top it off, the Brokaw thing seemed to accelerate Olbermann’s heartbreaking descent into self-important madness.

It was the kind of craptacular week that makes a Leg restless for hope and change.

Hope dawned in the form of a news report from India that political party officials there were preparing a special gift for Barack Obama.

As The Leg learned from a Times of India news article:

Obama’s representative Carolyn Sauvage-Mar on Tuesday received a gold-plated two-feet-high idol which she will pass it on to the Obama after it is sanctified.

The idol is being presented to Obama as he is reported to be a Lord Hanuman devotee and carries with him a locket of the monkey god along with other good luck charms.

At first, The Leg was a little skeptical about the notion of a serious contender for the presidency carrying a little Hindu monkey charm around for good vibes. But then it remembered a Time Magazine photo essay it saw a while back–one which revealed what the presidential candidates carry in their pockets for luck.

What we have here, according to the Time essay, is:

• A U.S. soldier’s bracelet (currently deployed in Iraq)
• A gambler’s “lucky chit”
• A “Madonna and Child” charm
• “A tiny monkey god”
• And three or four other unidentified items, among which seems to be a slug, an angel coin, yet another Virgin Mary charm, and some other coin-y detritus.

It seems that Senator Lightworker believes in hedging his bets. The Leg chose to view it as an example of Senator Obama’s commitment to diversity. A commitment that clearly extends even to his pocket mojo amulets.

Chris Matthews’ Leg needs to have a better week next week. Thus the search for a good, used Lord Hanuman monkey charm this weekend.

{Cross-posted at Olbermann Watch}

Chris Matthews’ Leg Briefly Achieves Elevated State of Consciousness During Obama Speech

As Barack Obama finally laid claim to the Democratic nomination in his speech the other night, The Leg was vibrating like a tuning fork.

Each soaring, ambiguous platitude took the sensitive appendage to a higher level of harmonic resonance. Each thrilling-though-utterly-undeliverable promise sent electric thrills radiating up the Hardball host’s tibia and femur.

As the speech culminated with a level of grandiosity and humble self-importance rarely heard outside a high school valedictory speech. . .

“We will be able to look back and tell our children that this was the moment when we began to provide care for the sick and good jobs to the jobless; this was the moment when the rise of the oceans began to slow and our planet began to heal; this was the moment when we ended a war and secured our nation and restored our image as the last, best hope on Earth.”

. . . The Leg momentarily entered a state of super-consciousness which resulted in Chris Matthews’ head getting a fresh case of. . .

The giggles.

Obama Team Ponders Shifting Campaign Theme from “Hope” to “Befuddlement”

On the heels of a painfully long series of gaffes, verbal fumbles, “mis-speaks,” and factually-challenged pronouncements, the Obama inner-circle is considering some modifications to the campaign’s themes and branding.

Top level campaign strategists are furiously working to adjust to the fact that Candidate Obama produces more gaffes in a typical week than Dan Quayle did during the entire Bush 41 presidency.

These include claiming to have visited 57 states (with “one more to go!”); shouting “Thank you, Sioux City” in Sioux Falls; placing Kentucky adjacent to Arkansas; and claiming that his parents met at a civil rights event that occured 4 years after his birth.

Thus, the nimble campaign is currently reviewing a number of possible moves, including scrapping the central themes of “Hope: and “Change.” Replacements currently being tested with focus groups include Befuddlement, Bewilderment and Chronic Disorientation.

Also, the slogan “Change you can believe in” could possibly become “Gaffes you may be bemused by.”

Also being tested are:

“I’d like to clarify my previous comments.”
“I can understand why some people were offended or confused by my earlier remarks.”

“I said that wrong.”

And Michelle Obama’s contribution:

“This conversation doesn’t help my children.”

John Edwards’ Follicles Issue Subliminal Shout Out to Chris Matthews’ Leg

It is a little-known and poorly-understood fact that John Edwards’ hair follicles have evolved to perform essentially the same function for him as the left leg has for Chris Matthews. That is, serve as a ultra-sensitive antenna-receptor for the cosmic good vibrations emanating from the cigarette-smoke-fogged voice box of Barack Obama.

For example, as Obami Wan Kenobi healed all our nation’s racial wounds with his Philadelphia speech a few months ago, Edwards scalp was tingling like. . . well, like his feet used to do whenever an ambulance would go by with it’s siren on.

Thus it’s no surprise that a savvy political observer like Michelle Malkin has been wondering what The Leg makes of speculation that Edwards voted for Obama in the North Carolina primary.

Michelle has pointed to speculation at the New York Times’ political blog that Edwards, while trying to be coy about which democrat he voted for, accidentally spilled the beans to MSNBC’s Mika Brzezinski. Apparently, at one point in the interview, Edwards said, “…I just voted for him on Tuesday. . .”

As it turns out, Chris Matthews’ Leg perceived a subliminal message from Edwards’ hair follicles during the interview. The hair sent a hearty greeting and then confided that the “him” Edwards voted for was not Obama. He had, in fact, voted for himself as a write-in candidate.

“John is a man of principle and had to vote for the very best person available,” the Follicles revealed. “John intends to keep his future political prospects shiny and manageable.”

And that, of course, will probably mean glomming onto and sucking up to the presumptive winner.

Update: Michelle Malkin on “Silky Hearts Obambi.“

Leg, Olby Conflicted as Rev. Jeremiah Wright Sets Black Progress Back 125 Years.

These are times that try Obama Media Cheerleaders’ souls (or in the case of Keith Olbermann, that soul-shaped vacuum adjacent to the lifeless shriveled husk of his sense of shame.)

20 years and 4 months after Jimmy “The Greek” Snyder was fired by CBS and made a national pariah for suggesting that genetic differences between blacks and whites made the former better natural athletes, Jeremiah “The America Damner” Wright confidently asserted that the brains of African-Americans learn differently than the brains of “European-Americans.”

Rev. Wright didn’t favor us with his theories on the brain function of Asian-Americans, Native-Americans, Hispanics or the Australian Aboriginal peoples.

Just when The Leg and his fellow cheerleaders were feeling what they thought was a maximum possible level of awkwardness, Rev. Wright stopped by the National Press Club to share some more pastorly comfort and healing wisdom.

As Olby was heard to say afterwards, “It’s hard out here for an Obama pimp.”

The Leg and Olbermann Still Traumitized by ABC Debate

Though it’s been a full week since the sad and shocking events transpired in Philadelphia, Chris Matthews’ Leg remains in state of indignation mixed with bewilderment sprinkled on top with sparkly bits of white hot envy.

I’m referring to the so-called debate in which those vile inquisitors George Stephanopolous and Charlie Gibson abandoned all party-discipline and violated the unwritten MSM code of conduct by asking the Dem candidates questions that were actually on people’s minds. Hard questions! Embarrassing, relevant questions.

Traitors.

And what about our generation’s petulant answer to Edward R. Morrow? Keith Olbmermann seems to be suffering from some form of post-debate traumatic-stress disorder. He swings wildly between the spittle-flecked rage that is his default mode, and crying like a little girl. During both extremes he tends to mutter things about “George…how could you. . .?”

It is difficult to overstate how disorienting the ABC News-led debate was for Mr. Good Night & Good Luck.

For decades it’s been understood: Republicans get hard questions. Dems get softballs.

Now the natural order of things has been set on it’s head. And some people are having a very hard time dealing with it.

Oops. Chris Matthews Head Mangles Obama’s Name

When you’re excited, you get sloppy.

Here, The Head adds a creative classic to the growing list of ways to mispronounce Barack Obama’s name. This one comes off something like, “Baccarat Bok Obama.”

Link here.

Re: Obama–Chris Matthews Vows Not to Be “Out-Fawned” by Olbermann. K.O. Retorts “Now THAT’S the Audacity of Hope”

Chris Matthews’ Leg (and the body to which it is attached) threw down the gauntlet yesterday amid galling observations that Keith Olbermann was exhibiting way more over-the-top adoration and gushing school-girl infatuation for candidate Obama than has Matthews.

“I will not be out-fawned by some beady-eyed, over-groomed geek who keeps his Smug knob cranked to ’11′ at all times.” declared Chris Matthews’ Head to a startled auto parts salesman on an adjacent barstool. “If you think I’ve been deferential and cheerleader-y up to this point, you just wait. You’re about to see the verbal equivalent of a hot oil foot rub every night. I’ll leave Gooberman in my dust.”

When told of Matthews’ trash-talking, Olbermann shot back:

“Matthews will never be in my league until he drops that quaint, old-school attachment to trying to appear fair every once in a while. You don’t become an iconic champion of the fevered, frothing, raging, Daily Kos comment swarms without abandoning all pretext of fairness, detachment, and reason.” Olbermann lectured. Smugly.

To illustrate his point, Olbermann pointed to the time Matthews stumped an Obama supporter by asking a reasonable question.

“What was that?, What, he couldn’t prep the guy a little? Give a brother a heads up?” Olbermann wailed. “Come on, pick a side and stay on it! Amateur.“

Olbermann Predicts Obama Administration Will Feature “Mystic Crystal Revelation and the Mind’s True Liberation”

Chris Matthews’ Leg declared Keith Olbermann “right on” when the clearly-baked cable pundit issued the above pronouncement. Olbermann also predicted that Obama would dismantle the Defense Department and replace it with “The Ministry of Harmony and Understanding, Sympathy and Trust Abounding” or HUSTA.

New Obama Girl Video Causes Chris Matthews’ Leg to Explode Into Thousands of Tiny Shards

The exhiliratory effects of Barack Obama’s voice on The Leg are widely known  and fairly well understood. Less well known are the effects images of Hillary Clinton have on the appendage, as Chris Matthews’ Head has not seen fit to reveal that information, but it is assumed the results are not positive.

Nevertheless, it stunned and horrified onlookers when, as a group of MSNBC staff was huddled around a monitor viewing the new Obama Girl video, Chris Matthew’s Leg made a series of sizzling and popping noises and then exploded.

Forensic political scientists, in consultation with Feng Shui practitioners, theorize that the video’s numerous images of Senator Obama interposed with those of Senator Clinton, overlain with a heaping helping of frolicking, T-shirt stretching, and bad singing by Obama Girl, were simply too much for The Leg to process.

This incendiary mixture of positive, frightening and arousing inputs to The Leg resulted in cascading failure at the molecular level. Not to mention a hell of a mess in the MSNBC break room.

As of this writing, a team of college interns were working into the night to gather and reassemble the thousands of splintery fragments of America’s most excitable and liberal limb.

Chris Matthews’ Leg Momentarily Thrilled to Learn “It’s the One’s It’s Been Waiting For.”

When The Leg first heard the conundrumic pronouncement from the Radiant One, he was totally stoked. But the more he pondered it, the more the mood ring on it’s toe drifted toward the colors of bewilderment and irritation. Meanwhile 10th grade girls, stoners of all ages, and Andrew Sullivan still thought it was “totally deep.”

The Light Dawns

The Oracle: “So. . .What Mr. Obama is saying is that he smoked Rev. Wright’s hate and paranoia for 20 years, but never inhaled?”

Chris Matthews Leg:  “Exactly.”