CM’s Leg Initially Excited to Hear Obama Banking Plan Involves “Swedish Model”

The Oracle had assumed that The Leg’s ardor for the new president could not possibly burn any brighter. But for a few minutes today, a certain sensitive limb’s admiration for the Light-Worker-in-Chief pushed into the ultraviolet spectrum when it caught a glimpse of the main headline on Drudge:

“Obama Moves Toward Swedish Model for Banks.”

For a while there, The Leg was convinced Britt Ekland was about to be named new head of the FDIC.

The Oracle found another news headline much more interesting:

“Attorney General: U.S. a “nation of cowards” on racial matters.”

To the contrary, in the Oracle’s experience, regular folks in America feel free to have frank and meaningful conversations about race all the time . . . that is UNLESS there is a self-appointed member of the civil rights, professional-grievance-mongering class in the room–the very tribe of Jesse Jackson, Al Sharpton wannabes that Attorney General Holder and President Obama have spent most of their adult lives hanging with.

With one of these humorless scold-o-matics in the area, everyone suddenly pretends there is no such thing as race; or that they were born with a genetic defect that makes them oblivious to skin tones.

Thus most Americans have learned the hard way that when in the presence of one of these aggrieved prosecutors of white America’s ancient sins there are only three things that are permissible to say:

“I’m sorry.”

“Of course, nothing’s your fault.”

“Who should I make the check payable to.”

Matthews, Olbermann: We meant to say ‘Assent’ is the highest form of patriotism. Or is it ‘Consent?’

Precisely what constitutes the highest form of patriotism has been the focus of robust debate at 30 Rock since inauguration day. So reports, “The Oracle”–the official interpreter of the thoughts and thrills of Chris Matthews’ Leg.

Sure, for eight years the journalistic industrial complex and the intensely earnest comment throngs at DU, Daily Kos, and HuffPo have operated in breezy metaphysical certitude about patriotism. Dissent was the thing. A hundred thousand Suburu bumper stickers couldn’t be wrong.

That fragrant little orthodoxy meant that throughout the Bush 43 administration guys like Bill Maher and Olbermann could feel like the love child of Thomas Paine and Betsy Ross in suggesting that Dick Cheney eats the heads of live puppies for breakfast. It was awesome.

But then the day of bliss happened. Which led to “the conundrum.”

Chris suggested changing the bumper sticker beatitude to: Helping make this administration a success is the highest form of patriotism. Olbermann felt that was too wordy and countered with: Genuflecting is the highest form of patriotism. Maddow offered: Screaming “You’re freaking awesome Mr. President!” is the highest form of patriotism.

Other h.f.o.p. contenders were:

Giving the president a verbal hot oil foot rub . . . (Andrea Mitchell)

Abandoning all pretense of objectivity . . . (David Shuster)

Among America’s news men and women you’ll find a few holdouts stubbornly clinging to old fashioned notions of objectivity and journalistic integrity.  Throw backs like ABC’s Jake Tapper–who told Charlie Rose the other night:

I would say for a lot of my colleagues, it’s perhaps an unrequited love between them and the president. He’s — you know, he’s a cool customer. You know, I think that there are some of us that, you know, maybe try to report on our feet a little bit more than on our knees and he doesn`t necessarily know what to make of us all the time. You know, he eyes us warily.

That comment gave The Leg an idea for his bumper sticker:

Reporting on your knees is the highest form of patriotism.

Then The Leg went online to order three pairs of kneepads for some friends who will need them.

Olbermann in Post-Bush Crisis. Must Find New Focus for 17 Million Gigawatts of Incandescent Hate or Risk Spontaneous Human Combustion.

The Leg is concerned about colleague Keith Olbermann. From the moment Air Force One disappeared over the western horizon on inauguration day (also known at MSNBC HQ as “Mission Accomplished Day,” “The Dawning of Perfect Joy,” and “The Day of Indescribable Bliss-y Goodness) carrying outgoing President Bush to Midland, Texas, the Countdown host seemed to slip into a bewildered funk.

“He’s like a little lost boy now,” one perky intern observed. “Albeit, a boy that will grope you then scream at you fetch him a Powerbar.”

Since Countdown debuted on March 31, 2003, George W. Bush has done the world a service by serving (along with Bill O’Reilly and Rush Limbaugh) as a safety valve-like target for Keith’s bombastic, self-important, spittle-flecked rage.

But now the locus of 70 percent of that irrational, Daily Kos-fueled hate energy has been removed and the laser of loathing must find a new outlet or risk melting down. But whom to unfailingly impute bad faith to? Whose difficult decisions to put the the worst possible construction upon? Whom to label a “liar” every time they are merely mistaken?

In desperation, Olbermann has recently lashed out at targets as innocuous as John Gibson, pro-lifers, the infield fly rule, and beets. But it just wasn’t the same.

And so an anxious world watches and wonders as the East Coast’s answer to the Yellowstone caldera builds up pressure. To turn some old Queen lyrics on their head, The Leg wonders, “Won’t somebody find KO, somebody to hate?”

Random Restless Leg Thoughts

• So MSNBC has banned Ann Coulter for life. The Leg is sooooo relieved to hear this. It would be such a shame if the network gave air time to anyone being screedy, ideologically shrill, hyper-partisan, or mean.

• It seems Minnesotans have finally equaled the electoral trick of putting Jesse Ventura in the governor’s mansion for four disastrous years. It took a little creative bookkeeping by the state canvassing board and some magically appearing ballots, but Al “The Body” Franken is poised . . . as crazy as this sounds . . . to be seated in the most important deliberative body on planet earth. The Leg says, “You gotta love Minnesota. They always have a critical mass of half-toasted ice fishermen willing to vote for the novelty candidate. And the Twin Cities are like a big, frozen Berkeley, California but with Swedes, Norwegians and lutefisk.”

• The Leg wonders if MSNBC can get a ratings bailout. “It sucks that we’re always in last place among the cable news networks,” The Leg whines. “Some FoxNews viewers should be shifted to us. They’ve got millions of them. In the words of a certain President-elect, ‘It’s a question of fairness.’”

CML Enjoying the Leg Warmers Santa Brought. Reflects Back on an Awesome Year.

Dear Diary,

Three words . . . Best. Year. Ever.

Okay, actually it’s my only year ever. As you know, I spontaneously achieved self-awareness back in February during a speech by Barack Ob . . . oops . . . I mean President-Elect Barack Obama. (woo hoo!) Those beautifully vague platitudes; those soaring, unkeepable promises; those mesmerizingly affected oratorical cadences . . . well they combined powerfully to jolt me into sentience.

Like the rest of the “professional” press corps (wink, wink, nudge, nudge), Chris and I spent most of the rest of the year solely focused on getting our guy elected. And we did it. The price was our credibility, journalistic integrity and self-respect. Totally worth it!

Just when I thought the year couldn’t get any better, I was recently the recipient of a major award!

What will 2009 hold? A run for the Senate? Hard to say. Right now it seems like Chris may be getting cold feet, er . . . foot.

Chris Matthews’ Leg Stunned, Excited to Learn They’re Now Selling Senate Seats

“What the heck!” the excitable appendage was heard to yell from a makeup chair at MSNBC studios this afternoon. The head had just been briefed about the arrest of Illinois Democratic governor Blagojovich for, among other things, attempting to auction off President Elect Barack Obama’s vacant Senate seat to the highest bidder.

“There are guys who will sell you a Senate seat? Why, in the name of Boss Tweed, are we putting an organization together in Pennsylvania?!” The Leg growled.

The makeup artist tactfully weighed in: “I think that’s just a Chicago thing, Mr. Matthews’ Leg.”

“And Louisiana!” an intern from Baton Rouge chimed in. “Or it used to be back when the state was run by Democrats. My Dad says that back in the day a guy could become Lt. Governor of the Sportsman’s Paradise for $250 and a case of Coors.”

The Leg wasn’t around to hear that last part. It had already run off to see what the going rate was on Senate seats in the Keystone state.

Memo: From The Office of the Leg of the Guy Who Totally Considers It His Job to Make The President-Elect a Success

From The Office of the Leg of the Guy Who Totally Considers

It His Journalistic Duty to Make The President-Elect a Success

Memo:

Re: Lost My Number?

First let me say, Mr. President-Elect . . . Love, love, love the new web site. Seeing that dot-gov behind the word “change” makes me tingle like a wet squirrel on a high-tension power line.

Now, I’m not fishing for a “thank you” or anything, but I was just wondering when I might be getting a call from you; or one of the top members of your transition team–maybe Rahm or Joe. I’ve made sure Chris’s Head has kept the phone close at all times. (He’s been putting it in a ziplock when he showers.)

I certainly understand how busy you guys must be. Just sorting through the mountain of bogus and dicey online credit card donations alone must be a major undertaking. (Disabling all fraud-prevention measures was genius, IMHO. And egalitarian! Kudos!)

By the way, if you come across donations from “Miss Inga Tooth,” “Joaquin Closet,” “Ariel Payne Diaz,” “Diana Boredom,” “Mahatma Coat,” “Constance Ubervision,” and “Pikup Andropov”–all charged to the same credit card number–well . . . you’re welcome.

I’m not looking for a high-profile, paid position, necessarily. I’m thinking I could be one of your secret, stealth advisers. You know, one of those controversial guys that you denounce publicly (wink, wink, nudge, nudge) but still talk to on your mobile.

Then it occurred to me that you may have lost my number. My mobile is 555-THRILL-ME.  I’ll be looking forward to your call!  Anytime is good. Really.

Warm Tingly Regards,

Chris Matthews’ Leg

Chris Matthews Appoints Self to Obama Team. Flustered Obama Team Responds, “Uhhh, No, We’re Good. Really. But Thanks.”

On this morning’s edition of MSNBC’s “Morning Joe” program, Chris Matthews told Joe Scarborough, “I want to do everything I can . . . to make this presidency work. My job . . . is to make this work successfully.” A clearly stunned Scarborough tried to remind Matthews that here in America, we sort of have a tradition of a free and independent press that some people are fond of.

Behold:

more about “Matthews: My Job Is To Make Obama Pre…“, posted with vodpod

Yes, after spending eight years bloviating about how he and his courageous colleagues in the fourth estate were the people’s vangard against government lies and over-reaching, Chris Matthews has suddenly decided that his “job” is to help the president succeed.

Especially precious was Matthews’ somber lecture at the first of the clip about how serious journalists like him never speculate about people’s motives. That’s right. Motive-speculating has always been beneath Chris on Hardball–unless, of course, the person under discussion was Hillary Clinton, Bill Clinton, any Republican, any conservative or a person with a pulse. Then it was pretty all motive-speculating all the time.

Nevertheless, Chris and the Leg are totally stoked to be members of the Obama team. Self-appointed, unofficial, informal, ad hoc, virtual members, to be sure. But still members.

“We’re totally a part of the President-elect’s inner circle,” The Leg boasted. “We’re just the very far outer edges of the inner circle. And the circle is pretty big. Huge, actually.”

Olby Fails to “Get” SNL Skit. The Leg Tries to Explain, Fails.

The dry, shriveled husk of Keith Olbermann’s sense of shame was pretty stoked to learn that Saturday Night Live was planning, in Keith’s words, “a tribute” to the Countdown host, and that the great Ben Affleck was “doing” him. (btw, it never caught on to why The Leg giggled every time Olbermann would boast to someone, “Ben Affleck is going to do me on SNL!”)

However, after Affleck’s dead-on, 8 minute, 42 second spittle-flecked, psychosis-fueled rendition, Olby’s soul-void seemed genuinely perplexed: “What was so funny about that? And why was the audience laughing? They could have just run a clip of my show.”

The Leg wasn’t sure how to break it to Keith that he and Chris are so completely out of control with mindless partisanship that even their friends and allies are starting to be embarrassed by them.

The Oracle of the Leg notes that the humorless, seething comment mobs at The Daily Kos and The Huffington Post weren’t amused either. He suspects they’ve been living in the “progressive” echo chamber for so long that they, like Keith, have lost the capacity for self-awareness. Sort of like the way certain species of shrimp that live in underwater caverns have evolved without eyes, color, or ability to communicate without using bombastic, self-important cliches.

Leg Bummed to Discover “Righteous Wind” at its Back is Just Olbermann Being Gross

Oh, the tingles and thrills Chris Matthews’ Leg has been feeling in recent days as it has seemed increasingly likely that a majority of Americans were actually about to take a flyer on a community organizer with poor taste in friends and even worse taste in preachers-and in volatile, dangerous times, no less.

For a few minutes the other day, The Leg even thought it was feeling that righteous wind spoken of by “He Who Will Punish the Productive Through Wealth Spread-age.”

Unfortunately, the warm breeze just turned out to be Olbermann being juvenile (what’s new) after gorging himself on spicy tapas at Bobby Flay’s “Bolo” over on East 22nd. Giggling and giddy, the Countdown host proudly declared his productivity, “Worst Gas in the World.”

The Leg was not inclined to dispute that designation.

CM’s Leg “Ecstatic” to be Part of America’s First Media Coup D’Etat

Chris Matthew’s Leg was partying with Barney Frank’s Tie and the dry, shriveled husk of Keith Olbermann’s sense of shame last night after the Palin-Biden debate.

Why a celebration – even after Sarah Palin clearly failed to live down to the caricature the MSM had furiously been painting for weeks ? Because it didn’t matter.

Chris’s Tingle Spot, Keith’s shame void, Barney’s poor, over-strained collar button . . .  they all know that the fix is in. And baby it feels good.

“It’s very exciting,” The Leg gushed. “We’re making history here. We, the members of the National Press Club, the Screen Actors Guild, and a few honorary members like Oprah and Soros, are going to install a President of the United States because, clearly, the American people can’t be trusted to pick one on their own.”

“We’re totally unified this time,” Olby’s soul-shaped vacuum chimed in. “It’s very cool to be a part of something bigger than my . . . well, almost bigger than myself. This is what it must have been like to be a campus radical in the ’60s . . .except we’re all rich and powerful and pretty.”

“And we bath,” The Leg Chimed in. “Well, most of us,” The Leg said jerking a toe over in the direction of Barney Frank’s neck.

“Right now we control everything but Talk Radio. And we’ll be shutting that nuisance down shortly after the election,” it said catching a high five from Olbermann’s shame void and shouting “Fairness Doctrine, baby!”

“Are we about to swing a close election via a complete abandonment of all pretense of objectivity?” The Leg asks. “Heck yeah. And if you don’t like it, then you must be a racist.”

Leg Blames Failure of Bailout Bill on Barney Frank’s Inability to Tie a Proper Necktie

Nice cravat.

While many observers attributed the stunning failure of the House measure designed to shore up tottering credit markets on Nancy Pelosi’s partisan primal scream immediately before the vote–Chris Matthews Leg floated an alternative theory.

The sensitive appendage believes it has traced the waves of negative energy that permeated the House chambers today to their source–a point about four inches south of one the Massachusetts congressman’s chins. “What the deuce is going on with that tie?” the Leg asked with a mixture of fear and revulsion. “Is that a single Windsor . . . a four-in-hand . . . I can’t tell, but it’s just wrong.”

The Leg wondered out loud if there might be less tension between the parties on this issue if there wasn’t so much tension on Frank’s top collar button.

Chris Matthews’ Leg to Auction Off Virginity to Aid Obama Campaign

The Leg overheard a couple of Hardball interns talking about some seedy story they read on Drudge and got one of its scathingly brilliant ideas: “Why not sacrifice my virtue in the noble cause of the Obama campaign?”

Yes, since Chris Matthews’ Leg only became self aware a few months ago when it was stirred to tingly sentience by the harmonic good vibrations emanating from Obami Wan Kenobi’s larynx–The Leg is (technically) a virgin.  (In contrast to Chris Matthews’ head which daily demonstrates almost no self awareness whatsoever.)

The Leg expects a major bidding war and ultimately to make a huge contribution to some 527 group working to mock John McCain’s physical limitations or dig for dirt on Sarah Palin.

Chris Matthews’ Leg is Asleep. . .

apparently. The Oracle predicts renewed transmissions from the sensitive appendage in the near future, and thanks you for you patience.

Jesse Jackson Reaction: Chris Matthews’ Leg Strongly Condemns All Talk Of Cutting Off Body Parts

“As a body part attached to high-profile figure who takes strong political stands, I want to express my solidarity with Senator Obama’s kahones,” Chris Matthews’ Leg announced today. “I must deplore in the strongest possible terms Rev. Jackson’s ‘hot-mike’ expression of a wish to surgically separate the presidential candidate’s huevos from his rancheros.”

[The Oracle would like to add that Senator Obama is certainly going to need them if he is going to continue making campaign promises he cannot keep and "refining" his positions every couple of days.]

The Leg was later heard muttering, “This is how it starts. ‘They came first for the gonads, but I did not speak up because I was not a gonad. . .’”