While many observers attributed the stunning failure of the House measure designed to shore up tottering credit markets on Nancy Pelosi’s partisan primal scream immediately before the vote–Chris Matthews Leg floated an alternative theory.
The sensitive appendage believes it has traced the waves of negative energy that permeated the House chambers today to their source–a point about four inches south of one the Massachusetts congressman’s chins. “What the deuce is going on with that tie?” the Leg asked with a mixture of fear and revulsion. “Is that a single Windsor . . . a four-in-hand . . . I can’t tell, but it’s just wrong.”
The Leg wondered out loud if there might be less tension between the parties on this issue if there wasn’t so much tension on Frank’s top collar button.
The Oracle — interpreter and translator for Chris Matthews’ Leg–has grown accustomed to hearing lefty blowhards spout nonsense analysis and bogus political theorums. After all, consistent proximity to Keith Olbermann provides a steady diet of passionate malarkey.
But yesterday’s blog post by CNN’s Jack Cafferty was absurd enough to peg the needle on even The Oracle’s jaded Gas-o-meter.
In it, Cafferty claims to have discovered why the race for the presidency is currently so darned close. Echoing what seems to be the new official talking point — it’s Racism! Cafferty wrote:
Race is arguably the biggest issue in this election, and it’s one that nobody’s talking about.
The differences between Barack Obama and John McCain couldn’t be more well-defined. Obama wants to change Washington. McCain is a part of Washington and a part of the Bush legacy. Yet the polls remain close. Doesn’t make sense…unless it’s race.
Time magazine’s Michael Grunwald says race is the elephant in the room.
The Oracle is still working through the logic on this one:
“Let’s see. In 2000, in a race between a white liberal and white conservative, the nation was evenly split. In 2004, again a race between a white liberal and white conservative, the electorate was again divided 50-50. So now that the race is between a black liberal and a white conservative and the polls are once again showing a roughly tied race, the elephant-in-the-room explanation is racism? Really?”
The Oracle suspects that the real elephant in the room is the truth that desperation to swing this election is driving guys like Cafferty and Olbermann to become ridiculous parodies of their already ridiculous selves.
Update: Hot Air has moving pictures of the gas-baggery.
The Leg is encouraged.
“Sure, the Obama-Biden ticket was already losing the support of suburban moms because of that crazy perception that he is elitist and out-of-touch,” The Leg admits. “Yes, those McCain ‘Celebrity/Paris Hilton’ ads really stung.”
“And, of course, McCain’s pick of a hockey mom with five kids–one of them a special-needs baby– made all of Michelle’s whining about how unfair and hard life is when you have to juggle two kids and a $1 million-a-year job a little, well . . . elitist and out of touch.
But now The Leg is confident things are going to turn around. Why? Because nothing is as sure to rally busy thirty and forty-something moms back to the Obama cause like hearing Sarah Palin trashed by Pamela Anderson, Lindsey Lohan, and Pink.
“Having all these pampered, badly-educated celebs joining the Palin pile on Is just the thing to get those rubes in flyover country back on the plantation,” The Leg enthused. “I’m all tingly about it.”
The Leg overheard a couple of Hardball interns talking about some seedy story they read on Drudge and got one of its scathingly brilliant ideas: “Why not sacrifice my virtue in the noble cause of the Obama campaign?”
Yes, since Chris Matthews’ Leg only became self aware a few months ago when it was stirred to tingly sentience by the harmonic good vibrations emanating from Obami Wan Kenobi’s larynx–The Leg is (technically) a virgin. (In contrast to Chris Matthews’ head which daily demonstrates almost no self awareness whatsoever.)
The Leg expects a major bidding war and ultimately to make a huge contribution to some 527 group working to mock John McCain’s physical limitations or dig for dirt on Sarah Palin.
The Oracle–gifted interpreter of the bio-electric pulses racing up and down Chris Matthews’ sciatic nerve–is pleased to announce that getting the hook has jerked The Leg awake.
The Oracle has been around quite a while. He’s been following politics and punditry so long, he can remember when Andrew Sullivan was intellectually honest. Why, he can even remember when David Letterman was funny. He’s been around that long.
Nevertheless he was still shocked to see Chris Matthews Leg thrilled into a catatonic state by the mere anticipation of hearing Barack Obama’s convention acceptance speech. But the news that Chris (the nation’s leading cheerleader for Senator Obama); and Keith Olbermann (the “nation’s televised face of sneering, drooling Bush hatred“); had been invited to vacate the anchor chairs of MSNBC’s election coverage snapped the sensitive appendage back to tingly consciousness.
After “The Great Injustice” as Chris is calling it, The Leg called an emergency meeting with the dry, shriveled husk of Keith Olbermann’s sense of shame in hopes of formulating a unified response strategy.
This proved to be impossible, however, as it quickly became apparent that the shock of MSNBC’s move to salvage it’s few, remaining wispy threads of journalistic credibility had pushed Olby utterly over the edge.
Thus, the Countdown Host’s long, heartbreaking descent into madness is seemingly complete. The last frayed mooring lines tethering the ex-sportscaster to the docks of reason have snapped and he is now adrift in the foaming sea of rage-fueled paranoia that is the comment threads at The Daily Kos, The Democratic Underground and the Huffington Post.
Chris Matthews’ Leg, though still stinging from the demotion, is ready to hum like a tuning fork at every messianic pronouncement from the world’s most famous community organizer. And Chris is ready to use the ever-diminishing influence of the Hardball pulpit to do his part for the holy cause.