With Olbermann Gone, Chris Steps Up and Brings The Crazy. Hard.

Keith Olbermann’s sudden departure left a vacuum of bizarre, vitriolic, non-sequitorial pronouncements fueled by spittle-flecked ideological obsession. This week Chris Matthews’ Head stepped boldly into the void:

Good evening. I`m Chris Matthews in Washington.

Leading off tonight: Unrest in Egypt. Proving the Iraq war wasn’t needed, these protests in Egypt, as well as in Yemen and Tunisia, are all aimed at dictators supported by the U.S. The demonstrations have not yet turned anti-American, but they could. These are the events the Bush administration hoped to encourage by lying about weapons of mass destruction and invading Iraq.

We feared KO’s departure meant creative, bizzaro-world analysis like the above was a thing of that past at MSNBC. We should have known there were dimensions of Chris “Are You Hypnotized?” Matthews yet to be revealed. Odd, odd dimensions.

Good Night and Good Luck in Your New Real Estate Career

It is the end of an error. MSNBC has shown the door to both Keith Olbermann and the dry shriveled husk of his sense of shame.

The Leg is going to miss the preening, pretentious, pompous fire hose of self-righteousness and bluster. And Chris Matthew’s Head liked having him around if only because he tended to make Matthew’s look like a model of proportionality and reason by comparison.

But when even Jon Stewart is finding you embarrassing to the liberal cause, it’s probably time for America’s most liberal news network to serve up a heaping helping of canned Olby.

The Leg has seen this coming for some time. Olbermann had not been the same since George W. Bush’s departure from the White House. (See: “Olbermann in Post-Bush Crisis. Must Find New Focus for 17 Million Gigawatts of Incandescent Hate or Risk Spontaneous Human Combustion.”

It was a little sad when, just moments ago, Chris Matthews’ Leg stopped by Olbermann’s desk and found only a scrap of paper containing an old “To Do” list:

To Do

__ Browbeat the interns.

__ Call the Dale Carnegie people. Demand refund.

__ Check Daily Kos threads to find out what the kids want to hear tonight.

__ Repeatedly stab photo of Bill O’Reilly muttering oaths and curses.

__ Taunt CM, RM about my salary increase.

__ Renew “Verbal Advantage” subscription.

__ Send vocabulary out to be waxed.

__ Hit GoDaddy. Register InsufferableTwit.com and PompousGeek.tv

__ Hit Netflix. Put “Reds” at the top of the queue. Again.

Sadly, those days are over. And The Leg is feeling a little blue.

The Leg Cramping Over Olbermann Suspension

Today Chris Matthews’ Leg expressed deep concern that the revelations about Keith Olbermann donating money to several liberal candidates for public office will damage MSNBC’s hard-won reputation for objectivity and fairness in covering the news.

“This is a blow,” The Leg shared over martinis and dim sum at a trendy midtown watering hole last night. “I know the American people by the millions look to MSNBC for cool-headed, even-handed, integrity-enriched handling of the news of the day. That’s why the no-contributions policy was in place. Chris, Keith, Rachel, and especially Sgt. Schultz have all worked very hard to build our sterling reputation for scrupulous detachment. I’m afraid this news that Keith actually has liberal sympathies will come as a huge, huge  shock to most people. I guess all we can do from here is pick up the pieces and start rebuilding.”

Fear and Loathing and Hypnotism at MSNBC

Interns spent all day Wednesday and most of Thursday in the studios of MSNBC with brooms and dustpans, sweeping up tiny remnants of the news network’s shattered journalistic credibility.

Yes it’s been in tatters for some time, but at some point during MSNBC’s jeering, sophomoric coverage of the election returns the ghost of Edward R. Murrow manifested in the studio and began to weep–softly at first, but ever more violently until, during a commercial break, a mournful shriek was heard and the last sad bits of MSNBC’s legitimacy exploded into thousands of little shards.

Listen carefully in the background of this clip of Chris Matthews interviewing Michelle Bachman and you can hear Murrow’s sobs, as well as the sound of Keith Olbermann giggling like a guy who has dared his friend to make a prank phone call and his friend, is like, totally doing it. He’s totally gonna ask a member of Congress if her refrigerator is running and whether she has Prince Albert in a can:

It has not yet been determined what the network will use in place of its journalistic credibility going forward.

GE has put a suggestion box by the water cooler and so far there are three votes for “fierce ennui,” two votes for “irony” (although someone pointed out that Jon Stewart owns that), and one vote for “off-putting neediness.”

Over to you Bernie:

Chris Matthews’ Leg Aches for Shot on Dancing With the Stars

Chris Matthews’ Leg doesn’t think it could ever get Chris Matthews’ Head to agree to it–not after the Ellen DeGeneres dancing debacle of 2008 (known around MSNBC studios as Spazgate, or occasionally, Grope-aquiddick, and in military circles, the embarrassing “Bay of Legs” fiasco).

Nevertheless, The Leg is itching to replace The Situation and do some more rug cutting on national TV. And this time, without that clumsy Ellen holding it back and leg-cramping its style.

The Pluperfect Storm

It wasn’t pretty.

Yesterday Chris Matthews’ Leg was chatting with the dry, shriveled husk of Keith Olbermann’s sense of proportionality and watching the live feed of the President’s Townhall. That voice was working its electric magic on the senstive appendage once more.

Suddenly some intern came running through the room waving a news release from the Rasmussen polling people. The Leg wasn’t sure but it appeared the girl had been crying.

“What’s that about?” The Leg asked a passing card-carrying-union-member-in-good standing teleprompter operator.

She explained that the release contained survey data revealing that more people say their views are more closely aligned with those of Sarah Palin than with those of “The One” (may higher approval ratings be upon him.)

“Was it close?” the dry, shriveled husk of Olbermann’s sense of proportionality asked hopefully. The intern just burst into tears and ran from the room, which, come to think of it, happens with Keith a lot.

The news quickly sent a chill through the overwhelmingly white staff at MSNBC and Matthews’ overwhelmingly white Leg turned a whiter shade of pale. Olbermann stormed off in search of a staff member to browbeat.

From somewhere deep in the bowels of 30 Rock, Leslie Stahl let out a long, mournful primal scream. The smell of scotch and frying bratwurst started wafting from Ed Schulz office.

Suddenly, The Leg’s attention was drawn back to the live feed of the President’s Townhall. A nice-looking African-American woman was speaking. “This is more like it,” The Leg thought. “Now we’re going to hear someone make some sense.” The Leg turned up the volume and heard:

“I’m one of your middle class Americans. And quite frankly, I’m exhausted. Exhausted of defending you, defending your administration, defending the mantle of change that I voted for.”

At that moment a huge muscle cramp seized the calf of The Leg and it didn’t hear the rest. Just something about “hot dogs and beans” and the “new reality.”

“Let the doubters doubt,” The Leg muttered. “I’m keeping hope alive.”

Indeed, Chris Matthews’ Leg is clinging to its belief that Obama is a great president harder than a defeated Alaska Senator clings to power and privilege.

Breaking News: Schultz Demands MSNBC Hire Joaquin Phoenix

In a desperate attempt to shore up his tattered image, Ed Schultz has demanded that MSNBC hire Joaquin Phoenix and make him his lead-in. So says, Chris Matthews’ Leg who overheard Schultz yelling at speakerphone yesterday.

Reading last weeks Leg Post was an eye-opener for Schultz.

“I’m done being ‘Shemp’ to Olbermann’s ‘Larry’ and Matthews’ ‘Moe,'” The Leg heard Schultz shout toward the phone. “I’m a Curly, dammit. Get Joaquin!”

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