Jesse Jackson Reaction: Chris Matthews’ Leg Strongly Condemns All Talk Of Cutting Off Body Parts

“As a body part attached to high-profile figure who takes strong political stands, I want to express my solidarity with Senator Obama’s kahones,” Chris Matthews’ Leg announced today. “I must deplore in the strongest possible terms Rev. Jackson’s ‘hot-mike’ expression of a wish to surgically separate the presidential candidate’s huevos from his rancheros.”

[The Oracle would like to add that Senator Obama is certainly going to need them if he is going to continue making campaign promises he cannot keep and "refining" his positions every couple of days.]

The Leg was later heard muttering, “This is how it starts. ‘They came first for the gonads, but I did not speak up because I was not a gonad. . .’”

Dejected, CM’s Leg Vows to “Get Me One of Those Hindu Monkey-god Charms Like Obama Carries”

It wasn’t the best of weeks for Chris Matthews or his leg.

First, The Leg took hard the news that it would be Tom Brokaw’s leg tucked under Tim Russert’s desk for the forseeable future. Then, “The Head” mixed up the names Obama and Osama not once, but twice! To top it off, the Brokaw thing seemed to accelerate Olbermann’s heartbreaking descent into self-important madness.

It was the kind of craptacular week that makes a Leg restless for hope and change.

Hope dawned in the form of a news report from India that political party officials there were preparing a special gift for Barack Obama.

As The Leg learned from a Times of India news article:

Obama’s representative Carolyn Sauvage-Mar on Tuesday received a gold-plated two-feet-high idol which she will pass it on to the Obama after it is sanctified.

The idol is being presented to Obama as he is reported to be a Lord Hanuman devotee and carries with him a locket of the monkey god along with other good luck charms.

At first, The Leg was a little skeptical about the notion of a serious contender for the presidency carrying a little Hindu monkey charm around for good vibes. But then it remembered a Time Magazine photo essay it saw a while back–one which revealed what the presidential candidates carry in their pockets for luck.

What we have here, according to the Time essay, is:

• A U.S. soldier’s bracelet (currently deployed in Iraq)
• A gambler’s “lucky chit”
• A “Madonna and Child” charm
• “A tiny monkey god”
• And three or four other unidentified items, among which seems to be a slug, an angel coin, yet another Virgin Mary charm, and some other coin-y detritus.

It seems that Senator Lightworker believes in hedging his bets. The Leg chose to view it as an example of Senator Obama’s commitment to diversity. A commitment that clearly extends even to his pocket mojo amulets.

Chris Matthews’ Leg needs to have a better week next week. Thus the search for a good, used Lord Hanuman monkey charm this weekend.

{Cross-posted at Olbermann Watch}

Chris Matthews Leg Amused, Appalled by Clumsy Jockeying for Russert Seat

The Leg operates under a very simple values system.

Every potential action is weighed against one question: Is this good for Barack Obama’s election prospects?

Thus, you can understand The Leg’s consternation at the escalating Machiavellian maneuvering between Keith Olbermann and Chris Matthews’ Head following the sudden opening of the lead position on “Meet the Press”–a real news show that actually airs on a real network with viewers other than seething, rage-drunk, conspiracy-nut commenters from the Daily Kos and the Huffington Post.

Tim Russert’s sad, sudden passing severed Olbermann’s and Matthews’ main connection to journalistic credibility (Tom Brokaw’s occasional fly-bys are too infrequent to undo much of the credibility-draining damage done every time one of the two opens his mouth.)

“Yes, the prize is tempting,” The Leg muses. “But these guys need to keep their eyes on the ball! It’s not about us. It’s about Him!” The Leg points heavenward. . . toward the Obama “HOPE” poster on the wall.

The Leg is really worked up now. “THIS CRAP ISN’T HELPING MICHELLE OBAMA’S KIDS!”

The Leg thinks Chris should stay focused on running for the Senate in Pennsylvania in two years. As Chris was clearly doing when he chose to desecrate a Tim Russert tribute with a selfish rant about Bush and the Iraq war.

“The “Meet the Press” gig should go to someone who actually cares about looking somewhat objective. And rational. Keith and Chris should stay in the fever swamp of naked partisanship where they belong,” says The Leg.

Shock and Sadness

On behalf of Chris Matthews’ Leg, The Oracle would like to express his deepest sympathies and prayers for comfort to the family and friends of Tim Russert–whose professionalism and journalistic integrity has seemed particularly rare and valuable over the last year or so.

Gone too soon. Missed already.

The Leg Profoundly Moved by Barack Obama’s History-Making Quest: To Become America’s First Utterly Unqualified President

As a student of history and long-time political junkie, Chris Matthews’ Leg is keenly aware of the historic implications of the Obama candidacy–and it has The Leg tingling from toe to hip joint.

Never has a person with so little experience running anything, or come to think of it, doing anything, come so close to running the most powerful nation on earth. And not since Jimmy Carter has naivete and hubris combined in such towering proportions in one person. “It’s truly exciting,” The Leg gushed.

“We’ve tried “experience” and what has it gotten us,” the sensitive appendage continued. “Nothing but victory in two world wars, victory in the Cold War, and Al Qaeda shattered and on the run all over the world.”

“I’m confident America is ready for a leader who doesn’t know what the crap he’s talking about, but says it in a truly beautiful and uplifting way. After all, we had the exact opposite for the last seven years. I’ve got that thrilling sense that we’re all witnesses to history.”

Chris Matthews’ Leg Briefly Achieves Elevated State of Consciousness During Obama Speech

As Barack Obama finally laid claim to the Democratic nomination in his speech the other night, The Leg was vibrating like a tuning fork.

Each soaring, ambiguous platitude took the sensitive appendage to a higher level of harmonic resonance. Each thrilling-though-utterly-undeliverable promise sent electric thrills radiating up the Hardball host’s tibia and femur.

As the speech culminated with a level of grandiosity and humble self-importance rarely heard outside a high school valedictory speech. . .

“We will be able to look back and tell our children that this was the moment when we began to provide care for the sick and good jobs to the jobless; this was the moment when the rise of the oceans began to slow and our planet began to heal; this was the moment when we ended a war and secured our nation and restored our image as the last, best hope on Earth.”

. . . The Leg momentarily entered a state of super-consciousness which resulted in Chris Matthews’ head getting a fresh case of. . .

The giggles.

Tailings by Private Investigators, Tax Evasion, Grudges, Intrigue – The Leg Helpless to Stop MSNBC’s Slide Into Bad Falconcrest Episode

Exhibit A – Keith Olbermann may have a ongoing problem remembering to pay his taxes.

Exhibit B -  Chris Matthews may be carrying a grudge against Arianna Huffington for allegedly hiring a private detective to tail Tim Russert.

Exhibit C – Keith Olbermann may have audibly slammed his hand down on his desk, on-air, when David Gregory started eating into his camera time.

Chris Matthews’ Leg – a sensitive and romantic little fellow – has always seen itself as living in the hub of a busy, professional news organization . . . as a vital sensory organ in a world-class newsman in the tradition of Edward R. Murrow’s “gut” and  David Brinkley’s “nose” for a story.

Which makes it all the more painful for The Leg to confront the dawning realization that it is actually trapped in a bad Steven Seagal movie.

The Leg had hoped to discuss the spreading credibility crisis with that little soul-shaped vacuum where Keith Olbermann’s sense of decency used to be. But he learned that the Countdown host was busy watching some Corbin Benson infomercial offering relief from IRS tax liens and wage garnishments.

New Alien Video Mystery Solved

Yesterday Chris Matthews’ Leg was shooting the breeze with the lifeless, shriveled husk of Keith Olbermann’s sense of shame as “the heads” (as The Leg affectionately calls them) were getting their makeup done.

Eventually, the subject of that new alien video came up.

The Leg said, “When I heard that someone had video tape of a menacing, bald, squinty little man leering through a residential window at night, my first thought was, ‘What’s Senator Leahy doing in Nebraska?”

Olbermann’s shame-void was not amused: “You, sir, are worse than Hitler’s leg.”

Clearly, the humorless Countdown host views all illegal aliens as future members of the new liberal electoral majority.

Chris Matthews’ Leg, Head Divided Over McClellan Book

In a rare instance of disunity, the incessantly talking Head and thrill-sensing Leg of Chris Matthews have come down on different sides on the issue of former White House spokeshuman, Scott McClellan.

At issue is: Was Scott McClellan a weaselly, disingenuous shill back when he was working in the White House? Or is he a weaselly, disengenous shill now that he wants to sell books?

The Head has clearly come down in favor of the former theory. Whereas The Leg, like Democrat strategist Terry McAulliff, has a visceral distrust for ungrateful backstabbers and therefore assumes it’s the latter.

Both the Leg and the Head agree, however–it has to be one or the other.

The Oracle is with Bob Dole on this one.

Obama Team Ponders Shifting Campaign Theme from “Hope” to “Befuddlement”

On the heels of a painfully long series of gaffes, verbal fumbles, “mis-speaks,” and factually-challenged pronouncements, the Obama inner-circle is considering some modifications to the campaign’s themes and branding.

Top level campaign strategists are furiously working to adjust to the fact that Candidate Obama produces more gaffes in a typical week than Dan Quayle did during the entire Bush 41 presidency.

These include claiming to have visited 57 states (with “one more to go!”); shouting “Thank you, Sioux City” in Sioux Falls; placing Kentucky adjacent to Arkansas; and claiming that his parents met at a civil rights event that occured 4 years after his birth.

Thus, the nimble campaign is currently reviewing a number of possible moves, including scrapping the central themes of “Hope: and “Change.” Replacements currently being tested with focus groups include Befuddlement, Bewilderment and Chronic Disorientation.

Also, the slogan “Change you can believe in” could possibly become “Gaffes you may be bemused by.”

Also being tested are:

“I’d like to clarify my previous comments.”
“I can understand why some people were offended or confused by my earlier remarks.”

“I said that wrong.”

And Michelle Obama’s contribution:

“This conversation doesn’t help my children.”

Ever Gracious and Fair Minded, Keith Olbermann Has Change of Heart on Scott McClellan’s Credibility. All Forgiven New BFF.

Sure, Keith Olbermann spent years vilifying Scott McClellan as a pathological liar, an unscrupulous shill, and as the “False Prophet” to George W. Bush’s “Beast of Revelation.” Yes, Olby repeatedly and unfailingly assured us that every McClellan utterance was a guarenteed fabrication.

But word that McClellan’s about-to-be-released memoir contains some cheap knees to the groinal areas of Bush, Cheney, Rove and Rice has triggered a rapid reconsideration in the former sportscaster’s wide stance on the man.

“He’s a walking tower of credibility,” Olbermann gushed today. “Integrity oozes from his pores. Waves of soothing veracity emanate from the virtue-saturated core of his being. He’s my BFF.”

To Olby’s annoyment, MIchelle Malkin is pointing out a little irony-clad hypocrisy in McClellan’s freshly-revealed-for-your-reading-pleasure concerns. But Olby can’t go typically ballistic over it. As a Time Magazine blog post recently pointed out, Hillary’s RFK assassination comment resulted in Olbermann blowing his “Last Remaining Gasket.”

The Leg Assures Absolutely No Offense Will Be Taken If Candidate Obama Calls It “Sweetie”

In several public places frequented by Obama campaign insiders, Chris Matthews’ Leg has been heard casually but loudly mentioning that it wouldn’t be the least bit offended if the Senator happened to address it as “sweetie.”

“He can also call me Sioux Falls, Sioux City, the 57th state, or a Typical White Person’s Leg if he wants,” The Leg is also on record as stating.

“Just call me.”

The Leg “Concerned” About Olbermann; Laments Countdown Host’s Heartbreaking Descent Into Madness

With a mixture of shock and sadness, Chris Matthews’ Leg watched colleague Keith Olbermann’s “Special Comment” Wednesday night as the last remaining threads connecting the former sportscaster to the world of reality snapped like rotted mooring lines.

In a 15-minute snarling, spittle-flecked primal-scream of a rant, Olbermann accused President Bush of personally inventing disease, birth defects, sorrow, death and the way decaying garbage smells solely for his perverse entertainment.

“Hey, I’m no fan of Bush. And I’m fully in the tank for Obama, too. So, I’m sympathetic.” The Leg confided later. “But sweet smoking Judas, that was just embarassing. And sad.”

This, apparently, is what living for the approval of the Daily Kos and HuffPo mobs will do to you. It’s takes ever more incendiary rhetoric and Bush-slander to get the rage-drunk commenters at those sites to post your praises. And when they are pretty much the only people in the world who praise you (or even watch your show), it leads to a powerful cycle of addiction.

Later, a weeping Tom Brokaw was seen in the Countdown studio sweeping up the shards of what had been the tiny remnant of MSNBC’s journalistic credibility.

John Edwards’ Follicles Issue Subliminal Shout Out to Chris Matthews’ Leg

It is a little-known and poorly-understood fact that John Edwards’ hair follicles have evolved to perform essentially the same function for him as the left leg has for Chris Matthews. That is, serve as a ultra-sensitive antenna-receptor for the cosmic good vibrations emanating from the cigarette-smoke-fogged voice box of Barack Obama.

For example, as Obami Wan Kenobi healed all our nation’s racial wounds with his Philadelphia speech a few months ago, Edwards scalp was tingling like. . . well, like his feet used to do whenever an ambulance would go by with it’s siren on.

Thus it’s no surprise that a savvy political observer like Michelle Malkin has been wondering what The Leg makes of speculation that Edwards voted for Obama in the North Carolina primary.

Michelle has pointed to speculation at the New York Times’ political blog that Edwards, while trying to be coy about which democrat he voted for, accidentally spilled the beans to MSNBC’s Mika Brzezinski. Apparently, at one point in the interview, Edwards said, “…I just voted for him on Tuesday. . .”

As it turns out, Chris Matthews’ Leg perceived a subliminal message from Edwards’ hair follicles during the interview. The hair sent a hearty greeting and then confided that the “him” Edwards voted for was not Obama. He had, in fact, voted for himself as a write-in candidate.

“John is a man of principle and had to vote for the very best person available,” the Follicles revealed. “John intends to keep his future political prospects shiny and manageable.”

And that, of course, will probably mean glomming onto and sucking up to the presumptive winner.

Update: Michelle Malkin on “Silky Hearts Obambi.“

Chris Matthews’ Head calls Hillary “The Al Sharpton of white people.” The Leg Calls Chris, “the Jar Jar Binks of real people.”

The Leg cramped up a little the other night when The Head got worked up and referred to Hillary Clinton as “the Al Sharpton of white people.”

This prompted the snappy rejoinder from The Leg about Chris’s favorite Star Wars character during a commercial break; and further devolved into name calling after Chris called The Leg “the Alf Landon of body parts.”

A chair-throwing melee broke out when The Leg accused Keith Olbermann of being “the Keith Olbermann of Keith Olbermanns.”